Snatches and Patches

BioNotes for Lab Peeps

2011-11-29T17:03:00.000-08:00

In one link posted by Mark Angeles and Lolito Go (two of my favorite contemporary poets), the website required writers to submit a write-up that does not bore the readers with a list of the writers’ achievements. Lolito came up with a bionote for someone and I followed suit. I couldn’t stop creating one and ended up with the following using the vernacular:

Colleen Kay Sanceda (moonchild): Mas sexy kay Darna. Mahilig maligo sa balon at di gumagamit ng conditioner. Seryoso kapag tulog.

Michael Arsolon (supermikong): Scientist na nagpapanggap na manunula. Fan ni Ron Jeremy. Bihasa sa lengguwahe ng mga elyen.

Francis Montesena (Manong Ninong): Matakaw sa kare-kare. Malimit mapagkamalang suplado. Pakipot pag nililigawan online ni Arnivorous.

Mark Angeles (Makoy Dacuycoy): Mahilig sa beef. Malabo ang mga mata. Masakit parati ang likod.

Lolito Go (bum): Mahilig magharana gamit ang cellphone. Dating gwapo pero nagpagupit para hindi maging kamukha ni Robin Padilla. Emo.

Harry Fiesta (Dyosa): Mas gwapo pag may lipstick sa nipples. Mataray kumatay. Maramdamin kapag bilog ang buwan.

Jennette Bongo (Phoebe): Patula-tula pag tulala. Nage-exercise pag nananaba. Pa-emcee-emcee o DJ pag walang magawa.

Michael Ian Lomongo (xn3ct): Masamang malasing at gumigiling. Mas gwapong di hamak kay Manny Pacquiao. Hindi halatang magaling mag-English.

Faustino Bunao (oni): Nagpapanggap na sabog. Mahilig bumarkada sa naglalako ng fishball. Malaki ang takot sa nanay niya at sa humahabol na asong ulol.

Raywollessen Fortes: (dyagwar): Napalipad niya lahat ang iba’t ibang uri ng eroplanong papel. Reincarnation n Major Dick Winters ng "Band of Brothers." Pussy (cat) lover.

Walrus Mucho Plaza (walrus): Mukhang walang asawa dahil totoy na totoy ang itsura. Madaling mapatawa pero hindi mababaw. Nagkukunwaring hindi kilala si Maria Ozawa.

Ronald Alisbo (jesusz): Sanay mag-costume na naka-straight jacket (leather pa yun!). Religious pag wala sa wisyo. Babysitter ng unico hijo niya.

Vener Santos (bungagerang_lola): Mas lalong naging macho nung magpagupit. Machonurin sa GF. Naghihintay pa ring maka-jamming si Matanglawin.

Randel Urbano (Randel): Palangiti para maipakita ang kanyang Close Up smile. Magaling makisama kahit walang imported chocolates na suhol. Hindi mapapaamin na mas cute siya kay Dyosang Tink.

Gen Carriedo (purple): Mahilig pumatay ng tao sa imahinasyon pag may tangang katabi. Hindi halatang mabait. Kayang kumain ng isang galong ice cream nang hindi tumataba.

Danilo Nino Calalang (xtopherdelux): Nagpapanggap na makamasa kahit elitista. May multiple personalities. Gahaman sa Reese's chocolates.

Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 8

2011-11-29T16:52:00.000-08:00

1) Enjoy umutot kapag nag-iisa. Pero mas enjoy pag may kasama nang sabay kayong tatawa.

2) Parang puwet ko'y naiiwan kapag naglalakad sa daan. Wag po n’yong pagtawanan kung ayaw ng kalmutan.

3) Huwag akong tinatanong kung bakit wala pang asawa. Ide-delete kita.

4) Ikaw ba'y napapangiwi, pag may iba akong nilalandi? Neknek mo.

5) Kapag nalaman kong girlfriend mo na ako, aba'y break na tayo.

6) You're cheesy and I'm lactose-intolerant. We'll never ever go out on a date.

7) One saying goes, "Men seldom make passes to girls who wear glasses." I say, "Men lose their senses to girls who wear lenses."

8) Do not claim to mesmerize if you do not deodorize.

9) What we post on our walls defines us: religious, funny, or plain ass.

10) At my nephew's wedding yesterday at Casa Real Ruby Hill Winery in Pleasanton, five people asked me to dance. My reply was the same every time: "I'm sorry I don't dance, but I'll write about it so you'll enjoy me more as a partner." Dancing was a traumatic experience for me. Writing funny is my therapy.

Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 7

2011-09-18T16:51:00.000-07:00

1) Magpasaya ng iba para mas maging masaya ka.

2) Huwag mo akong babatukan kung ayaw mo ng suntukan.

3) Ang tunay na kaibigan ay nanlilibre, hindi parating nagpapalibre.

4) Ahem. Ang mga girlfriends ay pagsabihan. Huwag akong pagselosan.

5) Ayoko ng BF na guwapo kasi selosa ako.

6) Huwag magreklamo kung di ka naman bumoto.

7) Mas mainam mangulit kesa manglait.

8) Masakit manakit kahit hindi pangit.

9) Huwag kang nanghihingi para magbigay ako. Nakaka-turn off eh. Lalo na pag pasalubong galing Tate. Hindi naman ako nangingitlog ng dolyar dito. Oo, joke lang sabi mo pero nakaka-turn off ang ganyang biro. Gusto ko lang malaman mo.

10) “Naiintindihan naman kita pero sana maintindihan mo rin ako.” Hindi ko maintindihan yan. Parang pa-guilty effect iyang mga linyang yan para magawa ng gustong magpaintindi sa ‘yo nang maintindihan mo. Naintindihan mo?

Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 6

2011-09-17T12:21:00.000-07:00

1) Uh, how do you save face once you’ve realized that you sent a break-up text to the wrong guy?

2) Perfect Excuse to Turn Down a Date: I don't think I'm your type. I'm not inflatable.

3) When I become thin, I'm ready for sin.

4) If playing word games could make me lose weight, I'd be sexy everyday.

5) Sarcasm is lost to the clueless.

6) What may be offensive to John may not be offensive to Juan.

7) Uh, did someone in California feel the earthquake? Or was that just our neighbors engaging in bedroom gymnastics?

8) Yes, I know it’s Cinco De Mayo, but yo no quiero taco.

9) Note to self: Catch people off guard by smiling at those who never bothered to smile at me. Wink and walk away.

10) Pssst! Made you read. Ahihihi.

Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 5

2011-09-07T22:13:00.000-07:00

1) Sometimes I don’t want to “intellectualize” for fear of losing my empathy. A desensitized me is nothing but eyes with blank stares, ears that hear but do not listen, hands that stay limp and refuse to move.

2) For some, writing is their bread and butter. For me, writing can’t even be my milk and cookies. Though I love to write, I can’t write when someone tells me what to write. My mind instantly turns into a white board with a marker nervously waiting in the wings. I always get this weird feeling that my work won’t turn out right. That I would fail to convey exactly what needs to be conveyed.

3) If you teach English, practice what you preach. Capitalize the first letter in a stat update, unless your name is the start of your sentence. Refrain from using jejemon and text spelling. Check your punctuations. Watch your grammar. Just a friendly reminder, my friends.

4) Pet Peeve of the Day: Scrolling through news feeds and reading stat updates displaying the abuse and misuse of the misunderstood ellipsis. An ellipsis is not equal to three periods controlling themselves from screaming. An ellipsis is not even a period with two clones. Neither is it a substitute for a period or a comma. Review your punctuations, please!

5) I’m so glad that I’m no longer an English teacher because I cringe every time I read “super agree” and “very like.” Naman. Naman.

Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 4

2011-09-05T18:33:00.000-07:00

1) No matter what online forum, message board or Facebook page I find myself active in, I always end up having enemies. That’s the reason why I’m the Arnivorous Arnimal. Meowr!

2) Just because you don’t know the meaning of “Maundy Thursday” doesn’t mean that the term does not exist. It also doesn’t mean you’re right. Your imagined brilliance is proof of your ignorance.

3) Your favorite show is “Wowowee” and you still have no clue why we’re not a couple. I give up.

4) Your being a UP alumnus does not impress me at all. Sadly, you don’t know the use of the past perfect tense. Yeah, just try and bite me.

5) If I click on your profile, I hope I can read something worthwhile. One time, I accidentally clicked on it and found out … man, it’s worth shit.

6) TROLLIAN LANGUAGE: a body of words/non-words and the system for their use common to the trolls who are of the same Trollian community. It is characterized by horrendous grammar and terrible spelling. This language is practiced by trolls who are infamous for their constant whinings, nonsensical arguments, lack of wit and a penchant for popping up with ho-hum profile fake names.

7) MANTRA FOR THE DAY: Don’t feed the trolls. Like gremlins, they multiple and turn ugly. They’re not worth shit. It would be insulting to the shit. Repeat 10x or as many as you like without giving The Finger.

8) ARNIVOROUS ADVISORY: Please be advised that there will be no intrusive BART Train Moments scrolling through your news feeds. Also, alliteration addicts will have to contain their addiction to the seduction of sequential syllables starting with the same sound. Yours truly will be watching the Maroon 5 concert tonight. Whoohoo!

9) Psst! Made you look.

10) Arnivorous Arnimal almost always amuses. Another alliteration? Amazing! Ahahaha! Annoying! Ahihihi.

Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 3

2011-09-04T17:57:00.000-07:00

1) Kapag hindi patas ang labanan, hindi dapat magalit. Magsulat na lang at ipakalat sa Facebook. “The pen is mightier than the sword,” di ba?

2) Kapag below-the-belt and labanan, grammar nila ang pagtawanan. Mwahahaha!

3) Nakakahawa ang wrong grammar sa Facebook. Tsk-tsk.

4) Huwag maliitin ang magagalitin. Baka ka sapakin at saka kagatin. Meowr!

5) Nung nawala ka sa FB list ko, naging maaliwalas ang newsfeed ko.

6) SA SIBUYAS MAY TIGAS: Ito raw ang Tagalog translation ng “In union, there is strength.”

7) Kapag nilagyan mo ng BETadine ang leeg mo at ika’y natuLOG, maaari ka na raw bansagan na BETLOG.

8) Pigilan akong huwag magtaray
Sa cyberspace ay hindi mangatay
Mahirap lalo pag may PMS
Sakong mo lang po ang walang daplis.

9) Merong isang tinatatamad
Pag pumapel ay malapad
Pag pinuri ay kanya raw
Kahit sa akin ninakaw

10) Walang wit mag-tweet ang twit.

Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 2

2011-08-31T21:39:00.000-07:00

1) Makipaglandian sa nilalandi ng iba pang malalandi.

2) Makipaglandiang muli sa nilalandi ng iba pang mas malanding nakikipaglandiang muli.

3) Pag ako’y walang magawa at nababato, nakikipaglandian ako.

4) Matutong makinig para maging kaibig-ibig. Akala mo lang ako’y kinikilig. Umikot ka naman sa iba pang daigdig.

5) Hindi pwedeng maging tayo sapagkat ikaw ay murahero.

6) Ang taong makulit ay kinikindatan na lang pag mapilit para di ka mabuwisit.

7) Nagkamali ako sa paghahabol. Wala ka pa lang kwenta at mistulang tukmol.

8) Pag nag-init ako, sasabog ka.

9) Mataba man ako, tanga ka pa rin.

10) Hindi lahat ng dilat ay mulat.

Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 1

2011-08-30T22:30:00.000-07:00

1) I don’t mind if you consider me ugly. I hope you don’t mind if I point out your horrendous grammar and constant misspelling. Witty trumps pretty.

2) Future Bumper Sticker for an Ex-BF: I think; therefore, you are not.

3) If my laughter could kill, all the men I’ve dated would’ve been dead by now.

4) Some people confuse self-confidence with arrogance. I love confusing those people.

5) Excuse me, I am not flirting with you. I just want your Facebook wall to be interesting to read.

6) Hey, stop thinking I’m flirting with you. Your wall was shit. I thought I’d inject some wit.

7) I’m not that smart. You just don’t read a lot.

8) Talk to the fist. The hand is pissed.

9) I am not above you; you just think you’re beneath me.

10) You can’t make me like my own status. I have friends who would do that.

The Myth That Is ala-Matt ... Not!

2009-08-01T13:02:00.000-07:00

Beating 13 other creative non-fiction writer wanna-be's in the first Laboratoryo Essay Writing Contest, ala-Matt killed the judges with laughter by his "Caution: Talking Paramecia At Work." His piece just winked at ciggyforbreakfast's "Hello, Party Line?" which placed second and nudged Dudong_Bilatski's "Rated X Essay" which placed third. His piece sent an up-yours- suckers message to those who thought cussing is plain crass indulged in only by the angry and the vocabulary-deficient. Pseudo-philosophical freaks and Marxist aficionados may dismiss his work as pseudo-cosmopolitan crock influenced by capitalists, but no one really cares.

His original presentation of his submitted entry toppled other styles which were mostly straight narratives. His description of the flamboyant Earl and the disgusting Jack leaves a mark in anyone who reads his piece from start to finish. Those who questioned his "puking scene" aren't laughing but that's because they didn't get ala-Matt's style. And now ala-Matt is laughing all the way to the bank and leaving those people still scratching their heads.

Quotable gems from his winning entry include the following:

"I bet he was such a non-fucking loser." (referring to Earl's delusional playboy image of himself)

"I thought your grandmother passed away last year," said Mrs. David in a declarative rather than in an interrogative voice. Suddenly, the very precocious Rica looked at me with her 'you-lied-I'm-gonna-rip-your-head' look. Jack and Earl appeared like two men with brains of a bird that I laughed hard inside, forgetting what Mrs. David had just said.

I'm sorry. What did you say?" (describing the scenario of being caught in a lie about his reason for not coming to Rica's party)

"We'll be there in a jifney!" (referring to the poseur Jack's stupid malapropism of the word jiffy)

If you're curious to know more about ala-Matt, read his interview below. If you're not, we don't really care. Bite us.

1) Tell me some personal stats:
- age and bday
Some damned evening of March, 1983, a bearded man interjaculated his ejaculation while having an intergalactic intercourse with a fine young lass and only one of the millions of fucking sperm cells fucked that woman's egg cell. Alas, nine months later, another Bourne was born.

- degree finished in college/MA in progress?
B.S. Cursing. Currently taking up M.A. in Profanity Studies Major in Vituperation.

- school attended/attending
former University of the Poor

- past occupations: where?
Copywriter-slash-marketing communications specialist-slash-your wrist; in the same company I mentioned in my fucking essay.

- present occupation: where?
Copywriter-slash-marketing communications specialist-slash-your wrist; in the same company I mentioned in my fucking essay. Don’t be an “Earl.” This is neither a fucking déjà vu nor a typo error, idiot. Yeah, right. I resigned and came back. I'm a real masochist by profession.

2) Why did you join the contest?
Nuts for dough, not for doughtnuts.

3) Who did you think would give you some serious competition? Why?
I thought Incense would give me some serious competition because of all the people in the Lab, he's the only one who is sensible enough not to make sense.

4) How long did it take you finish your entry?
I promise to compute the seconds I spent writing my entry. I would probably have the answer by next leap year. Although I guess the time I spent writing was the same as the length of time a sperm could survive in a lukewarm-water-filled bathtub.

5) How would you describe the style you used to narrate the paramecia in your workplace?
APA? MLA? If it’s not the footnotes we’re talking about, I really don’t know.

6) Did you check the laugh-o-meter of your piece by having someone read it first before submitting it as an entry? Why? Why not?
Actually, I asked someone to read it first but I didn’t know if her laughter reached even the first imaginary line of the laugh-o-meter. I was a bit reluctant at first because even my “other” self couldn’t find the laughing-gas attributes of the material. Subsequently, I told myself, “The hell I care!” and submitted my entry.

7) Describe your feelings a few minutes (or maybe an hour? day perhaps?) before posting your entry.
1 hour before posting: SBP and DBP: Normal
59 minutes: SBP and DBP: Fucking Normal
58 minutes: SBP and DBP: Moronic Normal
57 minutes: SBP and DBP: Idiotic Normal
56 minutes: SBP and DBP: Numbskull Normal
55 minutes: SBP and DBP: Dodo Normal
54 minutes: SBP and DBP: Dunderhead Normal
…
59 seconds: SBP and DBP: a bit higher
58 seconds: SBP and DBP: Normal
57 seconds: SBP and DBP: Abnormal
56 seconds: SBP and DBP: Back to normal
55 seconds: do I really have to do this?
…
Exact time of Posting: I thought I was fucking dead that I hadn’t been able to click POST.

8) Was there a particular reason for using English instead of Tagalog as your medium of expression?
It’s like choosing between “fuck” and “kantot.”
Imagine if I used Tagalog in sentences like these:
There was no fucking infernal place in the world than where I used to work.
Walang kumakantot na mala-impyernong lugar sa mundo kundi sa kung saan ako nagtatrabaho dati.
But one fucking day…
Pero isang kumakantot na araw…
Of course you cannot imagine anymore. I already showed you.

9) Are there any particular writers who influenced your writing style? Can you name some of them and give a brief description of their influence in your work.
None. What do you think I am—a pathetic palooka who doesn’t have the brain to produce ideas and style of his own like the mere anarchist who had brief interviews with hideous men who could talk pretty one day? In your face, WA, DFW and DS!
Raymond Romano and Michael Imperioli rule!

10) How did you learn about this lit community?
I’m still in the process.
Status: 1% PROGRESS. Not this lit community but the process of learning… process of learning... NOT of the people in this community but my own. Dig that, ostentatious, pseudo intellectuals!

11) What are you going to do with your cash prize?
I’m going to wipe my ass with each bill before buying it with stuff from the Indian-owned boutique across our office.

12) Are you going to join future Lab writing contests?
Only when the prize is right and the contest is worth the fucking feat of defecating rigmaroles out of my fucked-up brain cells.

13) Any parting shots?
Damn you, fucking apostrophe!
Whew! I thought I couldn’t do that paradoxical cuss.

NOTE: ala-Matt is a member of my Labable Lab Cats group.

What If

2009-07-18T11:31:00.000-07:00

Sponsoring the first Lab Essay Writing Contest has been giving me nightly nightmares. Three nights ago, I dreamt that many Labbers entered the contest and ciggyforbreakfast's "Australian Kangaroo" bagged first place. When I woke up and checked the Essay Lab, there were no new essays. Two nights ago, I dreamt that it was a Jesus Z sweep with first, second and third places for his winning entries, "Heckling and Getting Away With It Parts 1, 2 and 3." When I woke up and checked the Essay Lab, there were no new essays again.

However, last night proved to be really eerie. I dreamt that the Lab software had a mind of its own. Vivid messages on my screen kept blinking.

Your message, "Neknek na newbie" has been sent to Kaykay. Please note that she is not obliged to hit "reply" and answer your PM. If she is not online, of course she can't read your message. If she's not feeling well, she will not be in a mood to reply. If she has PMS, you're screwed. If she's mad, run for your life.

Your post has been successfully edited. You will now be returned to the original thread. Please know that no one cares if you're bolding or italicizing some words. Your OC personality slip is showing.

Your post has been successfully edited. Unfortunately, since you spent so much time editing, another Labber has quoted your original post. Please waste more time and edit the other member's quoted post to match your edited post. You know you want to. You're OC, remember?

You have successfully logged in. Your instinct tells you to post in the CSA your imagined masterpiece and not read the guidelines first. Do not be surprised if a law-abiding active member calls your attention to follow the one-post/two-crit policy ... unless Dyosa's keyboard screams "dugyot" ... or if a vigilant mod closes your thread. Whichever comes first.

You have successfully logged in as an altnick. You have another think coming if you think you can get away with it. Wipe that smug smile or pocket your pout. Indulge in a new hobby.

SQL-SERVER: SOCKET ERROR. This message is being displayed to you, the software program-challenged, to magnify your obvious ignorance and imagined brilliance. Please proceed to Facebook and engage in Mafia Wars. Or join a YM confe until someone else's PC crashes.

This website is down and is currently undergoing maintenance. You may contact (909)510-1234 but the phone will just keep ringing. Our voicemail service has been cut off and we have laid off our 20-something college drop-out computer geek workers. Refreshing this page every minute is not going to revive the previous page. Get a life. Have a nice day.

I woke up, smiled and saw three EWC entries.

The Pussylitarian Rules of Claw

2009-06-20T11:00:00.000-07:00

1) Acknowledge all bwisitors, hecklers, well-wishers and wanna-be's to The Cat House.

2) Dugyot posts in The Cat House will be ignored or ridiculed ad nauseam depending on our mood.

3) Think of quality, not quantity, when submitting works to the CSA. Check spelling, typos and grammatical horrors before uploading your piece.

4) Follow the one-post/two-crit policy (1 poem-2 crits of 2 poems; 1 essay-2 crits of 2 essays NOT 2 POEMS and 1 short story-2 crits of 2 short stories NOT 2 POEMS).

5) Support all Lab Cats' submissions to the CSA. Give praise when it's worthy; offer suggestions to the lousy.

6) Posting cut and pasted funny feline pics or links of hilarious hirsute hussies is allowed.

7) Under no circumstances is txt splng nor aLtErNaTiNg CaPs AlLoWeD.

8) Clean the litter box after every dugyot poop. (Read: If someone posts a dugyot entry, redirect the thread to be funny.)

9) Be a witty kitty. Make others laugh. Sniff in a jiff. Scratch and snatch. Pounce with a bounce.

Meowr!

Panatang Makalabcat

2009-05-30T10:32:00.000-07:00

(Para sa Pusang Ina Ko)

Iniibig ko ang Cat House,
Maging pusakal ma'y pipiliin itong tambayan,
Ito'y tahanan ng ngumingiyaw na angkan,
Sa piling ng pusang ina, ika'y kukupkupin at susuportahan,
Upang maging magaling at makapag-post ng kaabang-abang.

Bilang ganti, hindi ko gagamitin ang aking mga kuko
sa walang saysay na kalmutan,
Susundin ko ang mga alituntunin ng laboratoryong
aking kinabibilangan,
Tutuparin ko ang mga ito hanggang sa ang mga balahibo
ay magsilagasan.

Paglilingkuran ko itong Cat House nang walang pagdadamot
kahit tinik ng isda lang ang nasa hapag-kainan.
Sisikapin kong maging isang tunay na Labcat,
Sa CATalasan ng isip, CATalinhagaan ng salita,
at CATagumpayan ng gawa.

Meowrrr!

NOTE: This is the winning entry for my "Panatang Makalabcat" contest for my kitty cats. The author of our version of the cat oath of allegiance is the wily and wacky winsum82.

The Labable Lab Cats

2009-05-30T10:26:00.000-07:00

THE LAB CATS

1) will be composed of cute and cuddly, but smart and witty mods and members

2) will lick the wounds of the grammatically-challenged

3) will use upper and lower cases in sentence construction

4) will eliminate comma splices, run-on sentences, misplaced and dangling modifiers in our works

5) will proofread and edit our works at least three times before posting anything ... to avoid cyber humiliation and future flames from grammar freaks (

6) will be prepared to scratch the backs of those who scratch ours

7) will show claws only when attacked so that we can defend ourselves and the entire "kittendom"

8) will lead word game threads as mental exercise (ex: alliteration, ABC stories, nickronyms, etc.)

9) will aim to write essays that will make the readers go, "meow," este, "aaaw"

10) will promote class and not crass in The Lab (This means we refuse to post anything using expletives -- tangna, fuck you, etc. -- unless they are part of a dialogue or quote in a short story or essay.)

11) will remain cool and polite in our interaction with Labbers and Labsters in spite of the continued riling from attention-hungry members

12) will always thank members who post comments (may they be positive or negative) in our threads in the CSA Essay Lab

*arnivorous alliterates, changes into her catty cheerleader costume, claps and cheers*

Lab Cats can rule
They can all drool
Some think we're "prudes"
They're just rude dudes!

Meowr!

My Newly Coined LABable Words

2009-04-04T11:18:00.000-07:00

These words are based on the crazy characters (members and moderators) of the Laboratoryo website -- http://laboratoryo.invisionplus.net

Alambreonics - the science and philosophy of the Lab shaman; may involve the occasional magic of the altnicks

Arnivorous arnimal - the verbivore who devours words on sight in this site

Arntertainment - the art of amusing Kaykay the arnivorous way; usually involves word play, alliteration and rhyme streak style; done sometimes to irritate a chosen few

Bum-mer - a noun pertaining to bum's spot-on crit of a lousy or readable poem in the Poetry Lab

Busabosize - to dissect a poem the santongbusabos way; after effects may include any or all of the following -- frowning, bawling, cursing, leaving The Lab for good or sucking it up and trying to write a poem again till one gets it right

Crankquil - an adjective that describes majority of crankynoodles' posts which are cool, calm, collected and classy

Dyaggitry - the essence of being the nerdy but Labable dyaggy bee; includes a penchant for anything that flies and aversion to stinky goddesses

Echostrian - what we can call jerichogio if he continues to chronicle the Lab History of Writing by compiling the best and the worst that we all came up with; no horses involved

Kaykadorable - an adjective that describes the little things Kaykay does to make her still labable to the Lab Pussy

Kaykayatry - the philosophy and practice of being the Tiboli President; includes the ability to post off-topic comments but still remain labable; may involve on-and-off feelings of paranoia resulting in occasional Lab self-banishment

Kikomanicks - Kiko's posts depicting nightly and naughty left and right hand calisthenics with his nocturnal partner, Mariang Palad

Kulitics - a mod/member's practice of nonchalantly continuing to post off-topic comments in a thread despite some mod's determination and effort to redirect a thread back to the original topic

Laboteur - a noun indicating someone in the Lab who labotages, err, sabotages a thread by his/her nasty rejoinders; supported by some and loathed by a few; usually forces a mod to close a thread instead of just redirecting back to the original topic

Labdigger - a member or mod who resurrects an interesting thread (either in the CSA or any sub-forum) that is long forgotten; resurrected to amaze, amuse, inform or reform.

Lab pussy - the moderator monicker of the arnivorous arnimal; catty head of the Labable Lab Cats clan

Lab side commie - any member or mod who enters a thread and destroys the flow of that thread by his/her side comments; sometimes clueless, confused or just plain annoying.

Magicnick - an altnick created and used to diffuse a thread bomb that's about to explode

Mooner - the mod who swooned over the kaput Labteams of sb-sushi and kiko-arni

Jesuszifics/Jesuszisms - Jesus Z's witty posts that are scattered all over the Lab; characterized by out-of-the-blue spurts of wit and right timing

Jopolicious - an adjective describing all of the salacious and lascivious poems posted in the Poetry Lab by our very own celebrity, jopoguerrero

Onimated - an adjective that describes oni's hyperactive posts; usually punctuated with XD.

Placebic - an adjective describing short posts of Placeboo to make us feel her presence despite her busy school life and nocturnal hospital sked

Pun-ny pussy - a labable (sometimes unlabable but not labless) Lab Cat who has a penchant for creating Lab puns based on Lab funny, puny and pun-ny creatures; borders on the witty and the silly, but more often than not, the corny.

Pussykal - Lab cat na maangal at mahilig umatungal; kalmot mode on, never off

Stalkeries - series of witty essays written by stalker; includes her Good Guy series in three parts and her Bloody series, now on its fifth part

Stinkymology - the study of categorizing a thread/member by the Lab diyosa and his/her practice of entering a thread and posting the word "dugyot"

Sushiness - a noun pertaining to happiness upon reading sushi's lively, playful and thoughtful posts; devoid of sarcasm and hypocrisy

Tinkify - a verb signalling tink's pursuit of dyagwar; may involve aggressive fondling and constant bickering all over The Lab

Tinkology - the philosophy of the stinky goddess; involves praising the worthy, playing with the witty and dissing the silly

Tupendous - an adjective describing xtopherdelax's energetic grooves and grinds during videoke EBs; may also apply to his uncanny knack for cracking jokes with never-ending punch lines

Winsumness - a noun pertaining to winsum's keen observation of Lab mods and members

Zenterpretation - zenmarcus' amusing and amazing practice of interpreting Labsters' dreams and nightmares

The Labable Lab

2009-03-16T17:25:00.000-07:00

I've been living in the US for eleven years now and the year 2008 is so far the best year for me. So many significant events happened last year that I have a hard time picking which of those events is the best. Recently, I've made up my mind and The Labable Lab tops the list.

I've been wary of message boards since 2004 (been banned twice in two other message boards even if I was one of the moderators and a part-owner of one site) so when a certain keith_thanagar dropped by my blog sometime in May of 2008, I was reluctant to visit what we now fondly call The Lab. I almost dismissed the site as one of those new Filipino message boards that display a smorgasbord of lame posts, horrible text spelling and spam messages with product websites and porn links. However, my fingers were itching to engage in a cyber adventure so I checked out the site and registered on June 1, 2008. Didn't really roam around much that day but just posted a link to my blog hoping that someone could stumble on it and leave a comment on how I was doing as a blog writer. Nope. Didn't happen. So off I went to Canada for a much-needed vacation from June 5-12, 2008.

On my birthday, June 10, 2008, I asked permission from my best friend, Desil, if I could use her PC to go online and check my e-mail. She told me that I could use it for as long as I liked so I went online and remembered The Lab. I lurked for a bit and found out that some of the Lab members are from LIRA, a literary society where I was a workshop drop-out. Haha! So that I could get a feel of the different members' personalities, I read a lot of threads first before posting any of my "litter-rary monsterpieces." Intimidation was the first thing that gripped me. Wow, these people can write and are very knowledgeable about literature. And the fact that most of them are very young -- can you say 20s -- is amazing!

Being very careful with what I was writing, I posted in some threads which interested me and tried to interact with some who seem friendly (Kaykay, Beng, Tink, dyagwar, santongbusabos and alambre). I even thought that Karma Policeman owned the site so he was the first person I sent a private message to. Once I realized my mistake, I sent a PM to the Da Fuhrer/shaman, alambre, and befriended him.

I couldn't stop posting in different threads and I thought I was confident in posting in the Poetry Lab of the CSA. Like most assumptions, I was wrong. There was no member, who posted a comment, who liked my poem. Made me think that I was the most horrible poet there. (Somebody please, throw a potato at me. Thank you.) Shamefaced, I didn't set foot again in the Poetry Lab and read a few more threads. With burning cheeks, I checked out the Essay Lab and read all two essays: Tink's "Badessaphobia" and kuadobo's "Subject Required." "Oooh, now I know what I can do. This is where I can do some damage," I gleefully told myself. And the rest is a blazing history of a trade of wits, crits, and quips .

Thoughts on Teaching

2009-03-14T11:17:00.000-07:00

I was a teacher for seven years in a Catholic college (which became a coed university in 2005). My years of teaching were very fruitful because I vowed not to imitate the style of the worst teachers I've ever had. My motto was "End stupidity. Be a teacher."

Anyway, when the job to teach was offered to me by my former chairperson, I didn't grab it right there and then. I told her that although I came from the Advertising industry and would use my experience in the major subjects in Mass Communication that I would be teaching, I would like to take some Education units first because I had no idea how to teach.

I guess that's mostly the weakness of college instructors these days. Most of them get offered the job to teach a major subject but they lack the knowledge on how to teach.

Based on my experience with some co-teachers, they lack the following:

1) Teaching Strategies - Being in your field of expertise is not enough to qualify you to teach. If you take Education units (especially a Certificate in Teaching Program which is offered to degree holders), you would know which teaching strategy to use with the freshmen and the seniors. You would know how to be understood by the stupidest in class and still catch the interest of the smartest.

College instructors who are well known for their works in film and literature are sometimes the worst teachers. They are better read than seen and heard.

2) Measurement, Evaluation and Research - This is often the waterloo of those who don't have Education units. Some instructors make up a test the way they want to. Some even give a bonus question like: "What brand of cigarette do I smoke?" Yeah right. Like that would make your students less stupid.

3) Mastery of Filipino and English - Most young teachers I know these days don't have any mastery of either Filipino or English. When they teach, they use Taglish. They also incorporate showbiz words in the classroom in their day-to-day lessons. I'm all for communication being dynamic, but please know which has class and which is crass.

Pinto

2009-01-12T17:50:00.000-08:00

Bukas 'yan dati
labas-masok ka pa nga.
Ni walang paalam
kahit na biglaan.
Dala mo kasi ang susi.
Pero nung huli mong pag-alis
iniwan mo ang susi.
Naisipan kong ikandado.
Pero kahit hindi ka kumatok
bakit ka nakapasok?
Aah ...
nagpa-duplicate ka pala.

The Women of Lab: An Interview of Arnivorous by Alambre

2008-09-06T11:30:00.000-07:00

1. Tell us about your lineage.
- I'm an American citizen but I'm still a full-blooded Pinoy. At airports, people think I'm Chinese. Must be because I'm mestizang hilaw.

2. Your vital stats please.
- Is this similar to ASL? Then mine is Alien, Saturn, Lightyears.

3. How was your life like growing up?
- Uber Nerd: always an outcast, always beaten up by big girls in class, always topped academic exams

4. Have you experienced being swooned by a lot of guys?
- Yep, I've had my share of this but the ones who swooned seemed to be the married kind. Sheez.

5. Where's the most unforgettable place you've ever been?
- 17-mile scenic drive in Monterey, California. There's this island that looks like it's covered with white cement. Turns out that the white stuff is just accumulated bird shit.

6. Still any place you haven't been and want to go to?
- I'd love to go Venice, ride a gondola and sing "Like A Virgin" by Madonna.

7. What should a guy do to have your attention(except this interview of course)?
- Just be witty ... and maybe you'll catch me. Unless, I catch you first.

8. Heard any good jokes lately?

From Woody Allen's Without Feathers:
I ran into my brother today at a funeral. We had not seen one another for 15 years, but as usual he produced a pig bladder from his pocket and began hitting me on the head with it. Time has helped me understand him better. I finally realized his remark that I am "some loathsome vermin fit only for extermination" was said more out of compassion than anger. Let's face it: he was always much brighter than me -- wittier, more cultured, better educated. Why he is still working at McDonald's is a mystery.

9. What's one thing people would be surprised to find out about you?
- I may be petite but I own a pair of natural big knockers.

10. Let's stay away a bit from hobbies, what are your sports?
- Past: full-contact Boggle and Textwist, marathon pen-lifting and olympic keyboard-tapping

- Present: working out at the gym three times a week

11. What would you consider as the sexiest part of your body (ahem)?
- Believe it or not, those parts would be my hands and my tongue.

12. How about the most ticklish part of your body?
- Waistline, thighs and knees

13. Not that we Labmen are interested, but what do you wear when you go to sleep?
- During spring and summer: guy's boxer shorts, tank top, no bra

- During fall and winter: Victoria's secret flannel pajamas

14. How do you manage to stay so radiant?
- I try to get enough sleep and go to a spa every now and then if I have extra moolah ... or when I visit the Philippines to splurge.

15. I've been known for this question: have you ever kissed a girl? or gone skinny-dipping?
- Kissed a girl: Yes, but it was only accidental! We ended up blurting out, "Uy, di ako tibo ha?"

- Skinny-dipping: Yes. Just in a jacuzzi if that counts.

16. How do you relax?
- Visit The Lab and post till I get bored ... especially when I'm the only one online.

17. How do you spoil yourself?
- Does the term SERIAL SHOPPER mean anything to you?

18. The best and the worst pick-up line ever used on you?
- The best: I can't think of anything right now.

- The worst: You're so sweet you could give me diabetes or a toothache ... whichever comes first.
19. What's the craziest thing a guy has done to catch your attention?
- Back when I was still crazy chatting in a Singaporean website, a Vietnamese guy got so infatuated with my online charm that he e-mailed me his resume and applied as my boyfriend. I edited his resume, e-mailed it back with a note that he should go back to medical school and charm my socks off when he's finished school.

20. What turns you off?
- Guys who smoke and curse like a Parisian whore
- People who are rude and loud in public

21. If you're an actress which villain would you play?
- That would be Battlestar Galactica's Cylon#6 played by Tricia Helfer. If you've seen that fracking show in the SciFi Channel, you would know her.

22. What is unique about you, the thing that makes you stand out from the rest?
- I'm ARNIVOROUS = Always Raring to Needle Irksome Violent Obtuse Really Obscure Underdeveloped Stupidents.

23.Is there a possibility for us ordinary Labfolks to end up with you (if you're single of course)?
- Only if your nick is kikomaniac.

24. Ever asked a guy out for a date?
- Yes. An online friend and I dated on January 1, 2007. We were both balikbayans celebrating the holidays in the Philippines. He picked me up from a spa in Makati, then we drove to the NAIA and he cancelled his flight to Qatar to be with me. We had a hearty lunch, a sumptuous dinner and good conversation. It was a wholesome EB.

25. What is your problem?
- Telling chinesedictionary, without hurting her feelings, that I'm better than her when it comes to cybersex.

26. Okay, I will not ask you about the men in your life, how about the life in your men?
- They were alive when they met me. I hope they didn't die when I left them. If my laughter could kill, all the men I've dated would've been dead by now. Ahihihi.

27. How do you make dreams come true?
- Just ask the shaman, alambre, to make me a moderator.

28. What's the first thing you look at in a man?
- I don't care about looks. If he smells good and he's witty ... I may consider something more than a roll in the hay.

29. On the other hand, how do you pamper your man?
*changes into a masseuse costume* Powder or lotion, sir?

30. (pang miss universe) What's the best thing about being a woman?

- Woman without her man is nothing.

- Woman, without her man, is nothing.

- Woman, without her, man is nothing.

Notice the lack of commas and placement of the commas? You be the judge.

Ahihihi.

Links and Threads

2008-07-25T21:56:00.000-07:00

Below is a list of threads that I used to treasure when I was still very active in different message boards. Click on one if you don't have some time in your hands. Click them all if you want to smile ... or ... smirk ... if I'm smug.

1) It's time to learn! Prof Arni is here! http://www.grabeh.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1309&page=1

2) Fun with ABC Stories http://www.grabeh.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1377&page=1

3) Original Hoe Downs Inspired by "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" http://www.grabeh.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4264&page=1

Aaargh! I don't know how to make the links work so just cut and paste I guess.

My Eight

2008-06-21T20:12:00.000-07:00

I forcefully had myself tagged by this guy (I fondly call as Master Baytor) who pops in my inbox every now and then. We've been friends since 2001 (or 2002) but he's never sent me anything that reeks of chain e-mail. I went to his blog and saw below:

But first, the rules:

1. List eight (8) things/facts about yourself that people don't know.
2. Then tag anybody you wish to tag.
3. Leave a comment on his/her blog telling them they're tagged.
4. Have them post the meme (maybe he meant memo?)on their blogs and do the same thing.
5. Remember, there is no pressure. We're just keeping the cycle running.

My Eight

1) I read erotica stories via my cellphone. (Gasp!) It's an entertaining way to pass the time while I'm on 40-minute BART train commute to work. Ahihihi.

2) I don't cook because I'm afraid of hot oil and fire. My first and last attempt at cooking was way back in 1993 when Mom left me all by my lonesome to visit my sister in California. (I was still based in the Philippines then.) Before frying a chicken thigh, I donned a long-sleeved shirt, a beanie, a pair of gloves and armed myself with the thickest potholder in the kitchen. My fried chicken was burnt toast on the outside and sushi on the inside. Aargh!

3) I secretly edit the minutes of the meetings that were written by the managers in our department. Every time one of them sends an e-mail that that the minutes have been stored in the share drive, I open the file and start editing the misspelled words and insert the right punctuation marks ... or delete them when necessary. Most people in our department spell calendar as calender or add an apostrophe in all their plurals. Uh, hello?

4) I have horrible nightmares about my four-year old nephew. All my nightmares involve him in every accident imaginable. Should I go back to my shrink to discuss? Hmm...

5) I tricked my neighbors by imitating the Santo Nino and pretending to be in a trance. They prayed to me and asked me to heal them. I did this when I was in third or fourth grade.

6) I dress conservatively but my undies are sexy. I have most of the Victoria's Secret collection of bras and panties.

7) I used to think Rick Springfield was GOD. I had posters of him on the walls of my bedroom in our house and in my dorm room in Kalayaan Residence Hall back in UP Madilim. I even wrote more than 20 poems about him. This memory now makes me cringe. Eeew!

8) This tagging ends here ... right now. I will not forward this to anyone and waste his time.

The Bitches' Brew (haha)

2008-06-21T11:20:00.000-07:00

Overheard from a conversation in the recent Annual Bitches' Brew (haha) Convention:

ON BIRTHDAYS AND MEN

THE AGENT: Honestly, I don't mind you forgetting my birthday. It was the happiest and I just can't imagine you coming in and destroying the atmosphere. However, one eccentric bloke did. Wrote me a bloody note and greeted me "Merry Christmas." Some creatures are just out to insult your intelligence. That's why I'm here for you.

LUKA: A cyber-friend of mine sent me this Joan Rivers birthday card calling me a tramp and making a wild guess that I'd been laid on more floors than linoleum. Of course, that was a grand joke I enjoyed. But I oughtta put gravity on his balls because when I see him in person, I'll make two servings of omelette out of 'em. I told him that.

MICHIKO: I had intense birthday blues. I was even thinking of locking up in the room with my old boyfriend for old time's sake. But just sometime ago, I heard he was already sick with that kind of thing he does with that fart who lives next door to him. Oh God, I hurt. Then I remember I had to think about the lasagna, the beer, the kitchen, the old XB tapes, the hairspray, the color of my lipstick and how I'd react after he hands me that box with the Snoopy wrapper for the nth time.

BABETH: I was a little amused to learn that you're sympathetic to morons, turds and dorks. I'm afraid I'm more than sympathetic -- I dated Kamuning's village idiot and leading low-life for almost two years. Then he decided I, Babeth in shorts, uptown girl extra-ordinaire moi, with my Larry Silva outfits, my Sylvia Santos bags, my black leather Joan Crawford fuck-me pumps and cosmopolitan affectations, was not good for his public image. End of a potential love story. Now, I spend Saturday nights watching porn on cable.

ARNIVOROUS (a.k.a. The Greek from Munti): If my laughter could kill, all the men I've dated would've been dead by now. Ahihihi.

Writing Q-Tips

2008-04-12T10:37:00.000-07:00

1) Read a lot. By reading, you'll be able to observe the different kinds of writing styles of different authors. Then you can try to copy some of their styles at first until you're ready to have a style of your own.

2) Keep a journal of whatever you write. It doesn't matter if at first you'll commit a lot of grammatical errors. What matters is you have the intention to improve and seek help from those whom you think can help you improve.

3) Learn a new word everyday and use it in a sentence. You may use the word by writing a sentence on a piece of paper or by conversing with someone.

4) Expose yourself to different styles of writing. Try not to limit your taste to what you have been stuck with for years. If you're into romance novels, try non-fiction for a change. If you're into comedy, try a history book. If you've been reading Abante or Hustler for years, check out the Wall Street Journal or Time to keep that libido in place and not go awry.

5) Improve your grammar in cyberspace by checking out sites regarding English or whatever language you use to write. Test yourself by reading the posts of members in a board and try to see if you can spot an error. Keep your criticisms to yourself if you want to avoid the wrath of the entire forum community.

6) Be your own worst critic. If you've just finished writing an essay, read and re-read then re-read all the sentences that you've written. Edit more than once because as Jacqueline Susann's book title goes, Once is not Enough. Or as my favorite writing motto goes, "Write in white heat; revise in cold blood."

7) Start a collection of grammar books and writing manuals. Based on the experts, you would know whether Charles' or Charles's is right; whether '90s or 90s or even 90's is correct or whether Dear Sir/Madam or Dear Gentlemen is apt.

8) Attend writing workshops or seminars. If you have extra moolah, then go ahead and register in the workshops held in Intramuros in Manila or even Ayala in Makati. However, make sure that the one conducting the workshop/seminar is not just a good writer but a good speaker and a good teacher as well. Unfortunately, not all award-winners convey their writing tips well when they speak before an audience. Some of them are better read than heard. If that's the case, the money you spent wouldn't be worth it. You should've chosen a freebie workshop/seminar instead.

9) Have another pair of eyes examine your written product. In that way, you'll know if the product of your imagination is a *MASTERPIECE or a **MONSTERPIECE.

*MASTERPIECE - a finished piece of literature that's gained you some reputation (not necessarily a Palanca award)

**MONSTERPIECE - a finished piece of litterture for clueless wannabe writers who hate listening to the advice of someone who has created a masterpiece

10) Swap written articles with a friend. You can blast each other's works for fun or praise them to boost both your egos. Ahihihi.

11) Network with other writers or would-be writers. In this way, you can gain different insights and be exposed to different forms and styles of writing. You would know what works and what sucks, what hits and what bombs. Try to meet other writers or would-be writers in public places like restaurants. You can always proofread the menu cards and look for misspelled words or wrong grammar. Ahihihi.

12) Join and register in http://laboratoryo.invisionplus.net

*On a personal note, when I feel that my alphabetical muses have been buried alive in the literary graveyard, I would pry open their coffins by reading aloud funny grammar books or reciting Woody Allen gems. Ideas would suddenly gush out until I couldn't control them anymore. Then I wind up staying in my room and convincing myself not to write any more writing tips.

Disjointed

2008-04-11T17:03:00.000-07:00

I'm not usually at a loss for words but I'll try to come up with a mouthful today. I wasn't able to get that much sleep and the bags under my eyes are proof of that. But since I'm not really going anywhere I'd better unpack these bags. (Please tell me you got that. Please?)
***

How I really wish that people's optimism would rub off on me. I guess, I've always been like this: a perfectionist. Just one minor glitch in my plan drives me nuts. When I fail and fall down, I have a hard time getting up. Sometimes I stay down and hide under a shell and write like an Eskimo stuck in his igloo and never wanting to come out even if there's no blizzard in sight. It takes someone dear to me to help me get up and to coax me back in the real world and out of my comfort zones.

***

I should've written sooner but the timing didn't seem to be right. I've finally found a new way to unleash the creative juices hiding inside my dormant brain which I thought was slowly degenerating. The language that I use now is subdued...very unlike the arnivorous arnimal of the past. However, I revert into the naughty me when I post in the vernacular. Two of my virtual mentors, the honorable masters and geniuses of puns and double-entendre, welcomed me with cyber open arms and taught me the basics until I could get the hang of it and come up with my originals.

***

When I was a temporary bum, I amused myself by exchanging wacky and weird e-mail messages with foreign germs and fellow Filipinos who can ride my wavelength. Some are not good riders though so they fall off somewhere or get hit by the white squall by surfing on the wrong side.

Uh-oh. Am I mixing my metaphors here? Uh, I don't think I have anything to worry about. No sight of English teachers to criticize a misspelled word, a wrong syntax or an incoherent gibberish. Should that be jibberish? To be an instant thesaurus...that's my wish.

****

A friend sent me her latest poem for perusal and critiquing. What are the points? Good point: catchy title which is Barilan. Next point: that's the only thing that's good with it. Some other points: absence of imagery, dearth of double-entendre, banal style bordering on yawning.

Golly bee, I wouldn't want myself to criticize my work ever. I'm gonna bury myself six feet below the ground and not even Lestat can pry open my coffin and coax me out of my autistic world.

Ahihihi.

Iskul Bukol Diary Entry

2008-04-05T10:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Kuya Mokong,

When I was a kid (and a very very very small kid at that), I was always the victim of a bully or a group of bullies.

Back in kindergarten, I used to live in an apartment in Makati. We lived on the second floor while a gay teenage neighbor lived downstairs. This gay teen would always cajole me to talk to "her" by offering me food and goodies. Since I was matakaw, I was easily cajoled. This bading then would pull my hair, slap me, and pinch my arms and my legs leaving a lot of bruises. "She" would then threaten me not to tell anyone or else, "she" wouldn't give me any goodies anymore. Because I was too naive (naiiva!) and was always a slave to my stomach, I endured the abuse. My Mom would always ask me why I was black and blue all over. I would just say that I played hide and seek, tumbang preso, piko, etc. with the other neighborhood kids and that I was always lampa.

Then one time, I thought of getting back at this bading. "She" almost cornered me while I was on my way home but I ran as fast as I could and slammed the door of our house. There was a hole on our door and "she" peeped. I figured that the hole was my salvation. Next thing, "she" knew, there was SPIT all over the "her" face! He-he-he. Sumbong siya sa Nanay niya ... at sa Mommy ko!

Nagwagi,

arnivorous

Ten Little Foolinians

2008-03-15T11:05:00.001-07:00

Ten little Foolinians
with short hair in a line
One was a T-bird
and then there were nine.

Nine little Foolinians
in Amigo where they ate
One misbehaved
and then there were eight.

Eight little Foolinians
smoking as if in heaven
One suffered from cancer
and then there were seven.

Seven little Foolinians
with DOMs they would mix
One got pregnant
and then there were six.

Six little Foolinians
in colored ribbons to look alive
"Mrs. Hunter" caught one
and then there were five.

Five little Foolinians
wearing flat shoes on the second floor
A student leader apprehended one
and then there were four.

Four little Foolinians
in Malvar Gate they would flee
Strict was the "sikyu"
and then there were three.

Three little Foolinians
in tight skirts and stilleto
One was suspended
and then there were two.

Two little Foolinians
exchanging skirts in the john
But "Mrs. Hunter" saw one
and then there was one.

One little Foolinian
all alone with no one
Breaks another regulation
and then there was none.

*This parody is dedicated to all Paulinian violators.

Ang Sagot Sa Tulang "Mas Mabuting Laging Bigo Ang Isang Makata"

2008-03-15T10:54:00.000-07:00

(alam mo nang hindi ito para sa kanya)

Natuto akong bumigkas ng "... na mo!"
matapos hagurin ng mga mata ko
ang produkto ng isip at pluma mo.
Hindi mo napansin
na nawala ang kislap
sa mapaglaro kong mga mata.
Nagtago ang ngiti.
Nagkubli ang halakhak.
Dumungaw ang kunot sa noo.
Tinawag mo ako
ngunit ibang pangalan ang iyong nasambit.
Nagulantang tayong dalawa
sa iyong naiusal.
Humingi ka ng paumanhin
na ibinigay ko naman
sapagkat wala akong magawa.
Patuloy na lang akong nakinig
sa iyong mga himutok at hinaing.
Manhid ka ngunit di mo alam.
Ako nama'y nagpapanggap na manhid na rin.

Nobyembre 4 ... Noong Akala Ko'y Retreat Ito

2008-03-15T10:34:00.000-07:00

(paumanhin kay Tony Perez)

Ang bintana ng kaluluwa
ay kailangan ng tungkod
Ang matalinong hangin
na galling sa sutana
ay hindi makapasok
sa silid ng diwa.

Ang pagkain
sa alas dose
ay hindi kasagutan
kundi
ang pagsiping
kay Kama
Kumot,
at Unan.

Notes To Self

2008-02-23T11:54:00.000-08:00

1) Think of the hypocrites in the office as reversible jackets. Give them a box of detergent to wash off their icky smell.

2) Surprise people by smiling at those who never bothered to smile at me.

3) Give a Subway sandwich to the homeless guy after work. He's had enough of Noah's Bagels from me.

4) Females recognize bitches because they (the females) are bitches too. It takes one to know one ... or two ... or three. And I don't mean that in a biblical sense.

5) Rekindle old friendships if my OLD friends still have a candle to hold for me. I can always gaze at the fireplace and burn old printed e-mail messages. Oooh.

6) Praise those who need to be praised. Ignore those who scorn those who are praised.

7) Ride others' wavelengths and fine-tune my channels. Cross signals abound. Roger, I'm soooo over you. You're out.

8) Some say, damned if you do and damned if you don't. I say, "Do ... because damned if I won't."

9) People who think others are losers just don't have somebody to say they're winners.

10) Those who scorn at the popularity of others need a boost in morale. Have a break. Have a Kitkat.

11) When jealousy rears its ugly head, I will hold on to a prayer to make it through the day.

12) Place in ignore mode all the people and things who and which annoy me so that I will have a good disposition all throughout the day.

13) Talk to people about ideas and events ... not about other people.

14) Always remember that familiarity breeds contempt so I will put some distance between me and sweet creatures who are too close for comfort ... every now and then.

15) Rage against the machine but hit on those which are out of order only.

*sings "Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, lovely day. Oh lovely daaaaaay"

I Love To Read ... I Love To Write

2008-02-23T11:34:00.000-08:00

I LOVE TO READ ...

... so that I could escape reality just for a few hours. Fantasies give me hope that my problems can be solved.

... so that I can meet a lot of people without talking to them face-to-face.

... so that I can learn new writing styles and adopt some that would suit mine.

... so that I could go to different places without leaving my bed.

... so that I could spell better than some people.

I LOVE TO WRITE ...

... to get people's attention and reaction.

... to make my friends laugh.

... to amuse myself.

... to annoy people whom I want to be annoyed.

Ten Things I Hate About You

2008-02-14T08:07:00.000-08:00

(Or Why You Are No Longer ROSS-ey)

10) You are a Mama's boy.

9) You remember my birthday but you don't remember your children's birthdays nor their ages. (Tsk-tsk.)

8) You still went to work on the day that your ex-wives gave birth to your sons. (How could you?)

7) You send me birthday and Christmas gifts without any accompanying card. (Dude, your gifts even have the price tags on them!)

6) You lack wit and my kind of humor.

5) You don't get my jokes that I feel so embarrassed after delivering them. (Ahuhuhu.)

4) You don't know how to use Google. (For Pete's sake, even my 61-year old Mom knows how to use Google.)

3) You have never used a deodorant. (Until I told you to.)

2) Your favorite show is "Wowowee." (Aaargh!)

1) You keep telling me that you love me but you won't even visit me. (Enough said.)

The Inimitable Gin ... Who Makes Everyone Grin

2007-09-15T11:39:00.000-07:00

Just like a boil that's very ripe for the picking, this crab just exploded from out of nowhere with a thread shrieking for attention. Freedom of screech was hidden in his/her speech. S/he elicited varied reactions ranging from amusement to amazement and even to bemusement. A few crabs welcomed his/her scandalous Alimasag personality but some shrugged their shoulders, dismissing him/her as a lunatic entity (with a dubious sexuality) straight from the mental asylum of another message board.

S/he almost got the ire of some tanods, including me, because of his/her fondness for opening threads in the wrong forum. BadGirl and some tanods kept moving his/her threads either to the Tiki or Tawa ng Tanghalan where they belonged. Others were allowed to stay in the Town Hall, Kuwartong Sagrado, Gimik Corner, Tibok ng Puso and Byuti Parlor because they went to another direction … hopefully some place where there were road signs and maps.

Because of his/her queer personality and propensity to overuse exclamation points and ellipses, I got curious and re-read his/her posts and found intelligence lurking beneath. Satirical digs were dug by his/her unique shovel but very few seemed to notice those which were unearthed. And if ever they did, the crabs probably just armed themselves with nonchalance and tossed their talangka heads and went on their merry but crabby way.

I couldn’t remember anymore how we started our adversarial relationship but our FIENDship has grown into FRIENDship. The private messages we exchanged (though full of jokes unique to our off-the-wall personalities and not entirely different from what we’ve posted on the main board) revealed a respect for each other. Even if we are loud and proud, we stand our ground though seemingly sinking from others’ point of view.

His/her contributions to my thread Let’s Be Creative Via ABC Stories in Silid Aklatan show his/her tenacity and focus in making a mark. His/her hilarious Beauty Tips thread in Byuti Parlor reveals a creativity non pareil. Some have compared him/her to the now-missing Mr. Yosa but s/he’s unique in my book. To consider him/her a nuisance is sheer ignorance of his/her brilliance.

May I raise a glass and make a toast? gin_bulag, in my memory you will always jog.

The Why's of Pen Pal Writing

2007-09-15T11:35:00.000-07:00

by The Greek Wallflower (a.k.a. moi)
(originally written way back in the 80s before the advent of the internet)

1) To avoid if not totally eradicate the creeping epidemic called boredom

2) To seek refuge from your allergy, that is, school/work

3) To exchange pleasantries and may be insults with faceless if not nameless creatures

4) To let other people know how wide your vocabulary is

5) To discover someone out there who can match your wit and humor ... if ever you have them

6) To practice your talents in creative writing and avoid plagiarism

7) To let other people talk about themselves ... when you want to talk about yourself

8) To actually use the countless boxes of hoarded stationery since grade school

9) To keep yourself from jumping off any tall skyscraper when you're feeling really morose.

10) To look for a lifetime partner ... if you're that desperate.

Ahihihi.

Verbal Fencing with an Ex-Man of God

2007-09-15T11:29:00.000-07:00

One condition in changing ego-defensive attitudes is to remove threat. This can be done by creating a supportive environment, using humor and matter-of-fact approach.

This reminds me of my "relationship" with a co-teacher, an ex-seminarian teaching Philosophy. When we first met, I could tell that the guy had a brain with an ego to match it. He was also fond of always putting me down to get me on the defensive.

If I said something good that happened to me, he'd tell me something better that happened to him. If I complained about a bad day or about anything, he'd readily blurt out "Buti nga sa 'yo!" with relish. His condescending expressions extended to "That's nice, serves you right!" and "Teacher ka ba?"

I defended myself with equally biting retorts such as "Magyabang ka sa 'kin kapag nanalo ka na sa Palanca!", "Umalis ka ba sa seminaryo dahil sa babae ... o dahil sa LALAKE?" and "Lalaki ka ba o nagpapanggap ka lang?"

But then, three days before Christmas of that year, I vowed to make peace with all those I wasn't at peace with. What I did was give the ex-man of God a postcard with a note saying: "Anyone who believes in the saying 'Sticks and stones can hurt my bones but words can never hurt me' is a liar. No below-the-belt digs this time. I just want to wish you a Merry Christmas."

The guy lost color and became speechless. All he could do was give me a sincere smile. Uh, did I detect a slight inclination to hug me?

Ahihihi.

Why My American Co-Workers Think I'm Weird

2007-09-01T11:08:00.000-07:00

1) I eat tuna with rice. – My co-workers laugh at me whenever I do this on a Taco Day at the hotel cafeteria. Since I absolutely hate tacos , whether soft or hard, I usually eat rice with tuna as my viand.

2) I use an umbrella even if it’s not raining. – People I pass by look at me strangely and shout, “Where’s the rain?” I just smile, move on and mutter to myself, “That’s why you have skin cancer, dude!”

3) I take my soup only after finishing my salad, entrée and dessert. – I hate hot soup because it makes me sweat before a meal. I’d rather sip it when it’s cold after I’m done eating everything.

4) I’m the only Asian (my boss has ever met) who does not know how to use a pair of chopsticks. – I guess my boss thinks Asians are always Japanese or Chinese. Hello! Back in the Philippines, we use fork and spoon. Some people even eat with their hands!

5) I put chocolate milk in my oatmeal. – This they think is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever done in the office. They scream “Nasty!” and shake their heads with a grimace to boot. I don’t care. Soaking my oatmeal in chocolate milk reminds me of champorado from back home.

Malas ... waah!

2007-09-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

Ang inyong lingkod ay pumunta sa doktor
Para patingnan ang ulong parang may tumor
Matapos mabigyan ng reseta at pauwiin
Napatid naman po at paningin ay dumilim.

Naka-boots kasi kaya ang ankle na-sprain
Iniisip kasi marahil ng heckler na si rain
Bumalik sa doktor para patingnan ang paa
Napakasakit kasi at magang-maga siya.

Binigyan na naman ng reseta at muling pinauwi
Ano ba naman ang arnimal at naduling na muli
Gumulong sa kalye at sumambulat laman ng bag
Nakahandusay sa kalsada at mukhang binalibag.

Ahuhuhu. =(

Alpha: The Beginning

2006-03-03T17:09:00.000-08:00

It all started one April morning after finishing college for six years. Applying for a job scared the hell out of me even if I had an excellent transcript to boast of. Besides, I didn't really know what I wanted out of life. No, that's not right. I knew what I wanted. The problem was I wanted to be everything -- a copywriter, a news correspondent, a scriptwriter, a production manager, an editor and a researcher. But the bigger problem was deciding which of those positions I wanted very much. So, to keep myself from thinking about my future for a while (like maybe a hundred years or something ), I thought I'd write a book. Ha-ha! That's right. It's an absolute scream! I mean, I couldn't even finish a crappy story!

But then from out of the blue, it struck me! (Didn't leave any bruises, thanks a lot.) Books don't necessarily have to be a story or a novel for that matter. So, why not do a compilation? Yep, that's right. A compilation of the "best" and the "worst" I've written. This will keep me busy. It would also be something to show off to my children and grandchildren in the future. Something they'd laugh about after seeing re-runs of old home movies (as if I own a video camera right now. )

Oh to hell with what people would say. I am going to do this. For some laughs. A few guffaws. A little diversion.

So I plunge ...

Thanks a heap to the following (even if they'd never be able to read this):

DESIGN 5 a.k.a Architect What, for without him, I would have had no one to practice my talents with. All those with dirty minds, go dunk yourselves in a pail!

ELIZABETH PEREZ a.k.a Babeth P. in shorts and THE AGENT from Bulacan, for keeping the creative juices flowing and intact during the years when we still met eye-to-eye.

SO-SO GRADES and PLUTO of the execrable THE GEEK TRIUMVIRATE (me being ARNIstotle to complete the trio), for the outrageous letters and the "dream-on meetings of the mind."

SEAWEEDS, DORKY and MADER DIR for believing in me (Suckers!) and encouraging my poetic tendencies. (Aaaaaaaargh!)

The star-struck MS. (S)CAREY, for bringing out the best (and the worst?) in me.

and of course ...

JINGLE MAGAZINE (the chord book) for being there when the dreaded epidemic comes to visit.

The Single Woman and The Insensitive Cretins

2006-03-03T17:06:00.000-08:00

"When are you gonna get married?"

"Whack! Pow! Splat! Bang!"

That second line should be the response to the bomb question that falls on every unsuspecting single woman. Every time an insensitive cretin drops the question innocently, the single woman should automatically execute any of the following:

a. hit the cretin with a microphone (a la Divina Valencia)
b. punch the cretin on the nose the Batman way
c. throw a pie aimed at the cretin's face
d. shoot the cretin's private organs and mouth "I'll be back!" with glee.

Sounds violent? Blame it on watching too many violent movies like Pulp Fiction and Natural Born Killers. Calling the attention of Oliver Stone and Quentin Tarantino! Can you help?

Hard to do? May be. You need to guest in a tacky showbiz talk show first to re-enact that microphone bashing episode of Rumors, Facts, and Humor years ago. You have to watch Batman re-runs (starring Adam West) for lessons in punching cretins such as the Penguin's henchmen. You have to buy a pie crust and lots of whipped cream. You need to get a license for the gun that you're going to use. And you need to practice saying "I'll be back" the way Arnold S. delivered it on the big screen.

Tough to do? If it's any consolation, those vile and violent acts are just part of a fantasy. A fantasy every single woman can resort to in order not to:

a. develop an inferiority complex worse than an ostrich's
b. murder someone the way Kevin Spacey did in Seven
c. confine herself to the psychiatric ward for the criminally insane.

Let's face it. Some people can really be cruel. They revel at the idea of watching a single woman cringe, feel uneasy, and break down in front of their eyes. They realize that the marriage question makes a single girl feel like a freak especially if all her classmates in high school and in college have gotten hitched. Or if her sister has met her Prince Charming and the single woman has not even met her Frog. Or if all her gay friends have gone to San Francisco to be declared domestic partners. And yet these insensitive cretins still ask that question.

What could possibly be their reasons? These?

a. They're plain cruel.
b. They themselves have no partners in life. By asking the marriage question, they transfer their feelings of freakhood to the single woman and gain instant but temporary superiority.
c. They're all social scientists doing an experiment on the single woman's pain threshold.
d. They're all part of the production staff of defunct shows like Wow Mali or TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes or maybe Victim and Punked.
e. They're old ladies who are all friends of the single woman's mother.
f. They're unfeeling istupidents who want to get back at their single female teachers who gave them a very easy pop quiz.

Well, are you the single woman? Or one of the insensitive cretins?

Crabby Doors

2006-03-03T17:03:00.000-08:00

It was just one of those slow nights. Nothing exciting, nothing novel. No needle to prick her aorta nor a tap for some knee-jerk reaction. A head spin would be fun but a spin doctor was nowhere to be found. Bored to kingdom come, she tried opening doors one by one trying to check if there’s a fat, maybe even malnourished chance, that life exists.

Door #1 had crabs in a huddle. Political battle was their tea of kettle.

Door #2 showed school crabs running around without any crustacean marm to bring order to disorder.

Door #3 revealed lovers exchanging a plethora of woes that she’d like to hose.

Door#4 exposed crabs in dishevel, a misplaced navel, an erotic novel, and a piece of shovel.

Door #5 portrayed working class crabs exchanging jobs and dodging jabs.

But as she glided lazily towards Door #6, it suddenly opened and a shadow became alive. It had the eyes of a snake fresh from a quiet storm…and it made her feel really warm.

Pardon me for being silly. I’ve just had a bowl of chili. Burp. Ahihihi.

Para sa iyo ... alam mo kung sino ka

2006-02-14T17:07:00.000-08:00

Huli ko nang mabasa
E-mail mong padala
At nang aking "buklatin"
Paligid ay nagdilim.

Tumulo ang mga luha pati ang sipon
Biglang naalalala ang dating kahapon
Sumikip ang dibdib at hindi makahinga
Kumuha ng tissue at biglang suminga.

Sumagot sa e-mail nang napakaikli
Pinindot ang send button at napangiti
Bahala si Batman kung ano ang mangyayari
Sigurado ako na walang paring isasali.

Araw ng mga PUSA(kal)

2006-02-14T17:04:00.000-08:00

Aba, ngayon pala ay Araw ng mga Puso
Inaway ko na naman, kakuskusan ng nguso
Siguro ay dahil may PMS na naman ako
O talaga lang yata na sadista raw ako.

Bakit ba kailangang may pakner parati
Kapag dumating ang ika-14 ng February?
Mukhang kawawa tuloy pag ikaw ay single
Walang magawa kundi maglaro ng tinggel.

Makaalis na nga at baka kung ano pa
Ang mai-post ko na biglang ikanganga
Ng mga natutuwa at mga naiinis sa akin
Diyan na kayo at tawag ako ng pamangkin.

P.S.
Hindi na po bago at matagal nang isinulat
Nai-post ko lamang nang aking mabuklat.

What I Learned from MTC:

2006-02-01T20:43:00.000-08:00

1) MP = acronym meaning massage parlor; a place where single, married, separated and divorced males pay for a massage or satisfy a carnal need

2) popoy = the date between a penis and a vagina usually at a place known as "biglang liko"

3) livewire = to screw a "pro" without using a condom; anyone stupid to do this risks contracting STDs

4) FR = acronym meaning field report; any member's post (including grammatical horrors) recounting a sexual encounter that horny members will hail

5) bangenge = drunk; what some MTC members turn into after a night out with other members

Anything you want to add to my MTC vocabulary, doc? Ahihihi.

Disarming My Mentor

2006-01-06T17:15:00.000-08:00

by Julianne Sto. Tomas

There are thoughts to ponder and places to see but my words deliver English lines in French. So, for days I kept my mouth shut never to disturb any blessed soul -- or cursed, for that matter.

After a few year’s time, I got smitten by a gidget. She told me things that transpired only in unusual black and white dreams. Thus, I declared myself once again a Child of God -- always and forever. We have attitudes that cause a common commotion. We both love writing, plus a humor that caspers through the funny bones of Webster.

When people praise a saint, I dare keep a cold war in an armory of cold shoulders. This time, I choose to let my wings down -- in order to see and hear what she has to say.

The fact that she’s a character creates the impression that her brain is multi-faceted. Like a clown, she laughs though in tears (read: Ahihihi). She’s emotionally-challenged but she tries hard to snap out of the rut. It’s enough that she has devoted seven years of her life to young collegialas in women’s bodies and transient boys who pop out of nowhere … like me.

It’s a cliché but I find myself identifying with her and responding like we share a similar milestone. Life’s a joke and it ain’t a funny one. Now she will go ahead and float in the sea of the Melting Pot. I hope she ventures well into another chapter of living life.

I guess, I’m just on the verge of creating the third volume of my saga -- and I grow in it. I want her to rediscover me again and again. She disarmed me with her praises and encouragement on the second volume of my book.

She may not be as influential as my Mom, but I do believe she was a mother-teacher in more ways than one. I’m not pulling her leg, but I sure am holding her arms.

Ma’am Arni, you are disarmed now -- with your mass media know-how and all -- because I have received your messages.

Don’t stop loving life. I hated it but you unconsciously helped me appreciate it -- for what I can do for myself and others.

Our characters are full of truth, but our stories are written in lies.

*This was written by one of my students in the Philippines before I moved to the US for good.

X Marks The Spot

2006-01-03T14:56:00.000-08:00

A bout with bronchitis for a week made me check out this MTC

Being imprisoned by germs in my room, I’m glad I am now free

Cruising through different horny threads was fun for a while

Dropping by and staying in your room makes me wanna smile.

Every lengthy post you leave makes coming here worth it

Finding posts for verbal joust, sometimes stumbling into shit

Go signal flag is waving frantically to race on full steam

High I think I really am and in just a Sandman’s dream.

I think I’ll hang out for a while or till I wear out my keyboard

Just give me a nudge some time if you are becoming bored

Key to maintaining a following is to have the guts to be original

Letting loose lascivious lines work as long as they’re grammatical.

Minding one’s grammar isn’t elitist if you want to be understood

Numbskulls though would think that we are just in a dissing mood

Oh, look X, I’m almost done with my new ABC story

Pardon me if I ramble for a while or post “ahihihi.”

Quiet has been my pre-Christmas week and am still all alone

Rico Puerto went my family and left me on my own

So what can I do but bug you by almost flooding your thread

Tossing and turning never work when I’m alone in my bed.

Until when can we keep this up, Mr. Grammar Policeman?

Various members have posted that you really are The Man.

Way to go that you’ve been able to stimulate me mentally

X-rated versions coming soon or maybe just annually?

Yo friend, one more line to complete this ABC story rhyme

Zizzling posts in the future but now will just bide my time.

Ahihihi.

This was written for someone whose "grammatical thread" from manilatonight.com caught my eye.

From Ad to Ed

2005-12-20T22:28:00.000-08:00

"Those who can, do; those who can't teach. Like most sayings, this is only half true. Those who can, teach; those who can't -- the bitter, the misguided, the failure from other fields -- find in the school system an excuse or a refuge." - Bel Kaufman, UP THE DOWN STAIRCASE

This wasn't her dream, yet it came true. She never thought of becoming a teacher, yet she is one now and has been for years.

Her long lost friends, plus some fair-weather ones, and her former classmates might drop their jaws in disbelief if they found out that she is now connected with the academe, with their former alma mater to be exact. They probably couldn't imagine her encased in four walls with a stick in hand and hair in a tight bun. She just wasn't the type to waste her time erasing the blank stares of students and cajoling them to mouth more than monosyllabic responses to thought-provoking questions. Nor was she the type, as the cliche goes, to mold young people's minds, the way a potter molds clay. She wasn't even known for patience in high school and in college. Having tantrums when Plan A didn't push through, blowing her top when a group member forgot her I.Q. on her pillow, and throwing writing instruments at whomever she thought deserved it were what she had been known for. Hardly the qualities one expected from a member of the most noble of all professions.

How did she end up a teacher anyway?

She isn't sure exactly how it happened. She used to write copy for an ad agency but couldn't take her boss' breathing down her neck every time there's a deadline or being surrounded by creative but weird cigarette-smoking and foul-mouthed creatures of the advertising world. She had to quit before she wound up in a looney bin.

The teaching job landed on her lap by pure chance. Feeling low one April morning, she decided to pay her old college a visit. Her Chair was there, and discussion turned to careers. Learning of her disenchantment, her Chair popped the invitation for her to teach. She wasn't given a chance to reject the tempting invitation because schedules for demo teaching were shoved in her hand. She could only acquiesce and ponder her luck.

Her intellectual capacity and ability were challenged once again. They stopped when she got no welcoming committee in the real world. Now, her mind went into its previous analytic mode, with a green light all the way. She hungered for knowledge and was eager to apply it in her new world as a professional. She devoured great heaps of information, gobbled huge amounts of data, including trivia from the works of the learned, and swallowed everything her mind could take in.

Her first day of teaching was quite memorable. She didn't quite know how to establish rapport with the freshmen, but she found herself blurting out, "You may not call me MOM because I am not your mother. You may not call me MUM because I am not a deodorant. But you may call me MA'AM." It wasn't her intention to come up with her version of the Ten Commandments but she said: "ONE, you are not allowed to sleep in class. Neither dreaming nor snoring is allowed. Failure to keep this commandment would mean a trip to the washroom and back. TWO, you have no right to remain silent...when asked to recite or report in class. Anything you say can and will affect your grade. THREE, you may raise any questions regarding the subject matter to clear any cobwebs you may have in your brains...assuming that you have one." Mixed reactions -- amusement, apprehension, apathy -- followed her pronouncements.

Her love for Bel Kaufman's book Up The Down Staircase should've jarred her into the realization that she would become an English teacher. Sam Levinson commented that the book was the kind of funny that hurts, referring to the book's satirical undertones. That comment hit her too. Her students considered her a funny teacher, and it hurt to teach English.

Teaching English as a second language is no ordinary task. Being a freshman in the profession, she assumed a lot. She assumed that her students knew simple subject and verb agreement -- I am, You are, He/She/It is, You/We/They are.

She assumed that they knew the difference between a phrase (Macaulay Culkin in "Home Alone") and a clause (who was the child actor in the movie "Home Alone") or why a fragment (Macaulay Culkin in "Home Alone") is not a sentence (Macaulay Culkin played the lead in the movie "Home Alone.") She was wrong. She assumed too much.

The results of her students' quizzes and exams confounded her. Why did a third if not half of the class sometimes fail? Had she not explained everything clearly? Did she not always ask them if they understood, and say that she would not think them stupid if things weren't clear? She could not always accept the fact that the reason was the "teacher factor." She once gave them items for a quiz which they reviewed and encountered again in the periodical test. Why did they still write the incorrect answers?

Although she felt that she lacked the qualities of a perfect English teacher, her students believed in her, respected her, and even liked her. Evidence, grammatical errors included, made her want to cry in frustration as well as in amusement.

- "YOUR cool and friendly. I like YOU'RE approach to us."

- "You make your lessons VERY UNDERSTANDING."

- "The only thing I can say is that you're cute."

- "Having a smiling face MAKE us feel calm."

- "You are not a bookish type of teacher. I hope this will be continued not like other teachers who concentrate THERE lessons in the book."

- "One good reason was the humor...as if YOUR the life of the subject."

- "I like the way you speak because YOU'RE voice is like a baby or a cat."

- "I thought you were just a student the first time I saw you. I was SUPRISE to know that you're our English teacher. But you sound as if you've been teaching for years."

- "I can't criticize you because so far, you're one of the best teachers we've had this sem."

- "There is only one thing that I don't understand. Why are you still single?"

Her first journey into the real world of education as an educator wasn't exactly a bed of roses. A thorn sometimes protruded here and there. Yet some rosebuds had bloomed too.

A Message Board Is A Place :

2005-12-19T19:50:00.000-08:00

1) where you can have fun with friends (or make war with fiends), engage in pseudo-intellectual talks with geeks and freaks, and be nasty with flips and drips;

2) where you can unwind, do a rewind, come forward, play around, pause for a while and stop (Hey there, what's that sound? Everybody look what's going down.) … before you contract Carpal Tunnel Syndrome;

3) where you can be honest and let your guard down or play around with your guard up; (Guards on the side will be waiting in the wings though.)

4) where you can snag a temporary boyfriend/girlfriend while your real significant other's attention is somewhere else;

5) where you let loose of thoughts you probably won't be able to get away with in real life if you verbalize them.

Patches of Insanity

2005-12-19T19:45:00.000-08:00

The chickens are on fire! And the ceilings are laughing at me! Stop ittttttttt! I’m okay. I’m okay. Now, deep breathly. Shoot! I meant breathe deeply. Dang it! Reading five books one after the other and not finishing them in one sitting because of too much daydreaming is muddling my already muddled mind. A mental plunger – that’s what I need in order to get rid of this paranoiac gunk. But cheez whiz Louise, it’s like a mental leech that sucks all my cheers, grinds my tears, regurgitates my sneers and spews out jeers.

Why do I love alliterations that much? Because they prevent me from writing clichés, such as being in cloud nine … which I just did. Aaaaargh!

Go on. Keep ignoring me. I do have a strange way of showing it but … I just want you to like me. Haven’t you realized that by now? I may be losing some screws – although winning some would bring temporary ecstasy – but I’m serious. I mean this from the bottom of my feet. Really! With all my heart, my liver and my lungs. Slurrrp!

Writing is about getting something down, not about thinking something up. - I forgot who said this.

Ssh...

2005-12-19T19:41:00.000-08:00

"If language were liquid, it would be rushing in. Instead here we are in a silence more eloquent than any word could ever be."

- "Language," Suzanne Vega

SILENCE stays in a corner. You don't realize it's been there staring at you for quite some time now. Without any warning, it grabs you by the shoulders and hurls you to the ground. You're bruised and bleeding.

You look up to meet its eyes and ask, "Why?" SILENCE ignores your question and kicks you in the face instead. You try to get up but SILENCE, this time, aims for your gut. You hug yourself and lie fetal position to protect yourself. You close your eyes and cry yourself to a dreamless sleep.

SILENCE retreats to a corner and smiles.

Para kay carabao_ english ang ABC story kong Taglish

2005-12-19T19:38:00.000-08:00

ni arnivorous arnimal

Ang mamang kalabaw sa taas ay kaaararo lang

Bakit ba inaasar ako at saan po nagkulang?

Cute pa rin naman ako pero hindi na niya type

Dikdikin ko na nga lang para wala ng Grabeh hype.

Ewan ko kung ba't biglang nagkaganito kami

Fafa ko daw po siya dati na hindi mapakali.

Good news na rin at kami ay muling nag-uusap

Hindi ko nga lang alam kung mata niya'y kumikislap.

Idol ko po ang kalabaw na ito sa pagpapatawa

Jologs sa tingin ng marami pero sa aki'y naiiba.

Kulang daw ako sa pansin kaya siya ay hinahabol

Landiin ko ba naman hanggang mapilitang pumatol.

Memories namin ay tunay na katawa-tawa

Naghaharutan parati sa kung saan-saang hibla.

Okay naman kay BLISS dahil busy siya kay kiks

Playing on the field ako at doing it for weeks.

Quaint at strange ang feeling paggawa ng istoryang ito

Really mind-blowing daw po at makukulta ang isip mo.

Sana ay dumami ang mag-aambag ng istorya

Titingnan ko rin kung aabot sa Sabado de Gloria.

Uulitin ko pa rin po ang mga ganitong posting

Very, very persistent makasama mga praning.

Wala akong magawa at gusto kong matapos na

Xciting naman siguro kung ikaw ay nagbabasa.

Yo, tumatango ka ba bilang pag-sangayon?

Zee, natapos rin ang aking istorya sa ngayon.

Anak ng kuwagong puyat
Nakakahingal magsulat.

Istoryang di ABAKADA

2005-12-19T19:32:00.000-08:00

ni Ate arni na bruha

Ang thread na ito ay para sa mga creative.

Bagito man o batikan ay very receptive.

Charming o pa-cute posts ay puwedeng-puwede.

Dedmahin man ng iba ay hindi na bale.

Ewan ko ba kung bakit ang kulit namin.

Forward ko nga ito sa mga sipunin.

Gentle o gago ay very welcome dito.

Hubo man kung mag-post ay pipikit ako.

Inihaw o roasted man ang iyong feeling.

Join ka lang magnakaw kay gin_bulag ng saging.

'Kala n'yo siguro ay confident ako.

Limutin ko na lang ... mahiyain kamo.

Magsaya tayo sa pagkabuo ng tropa.

'Nak ng aso ko, pangalan ay Coca.

Oops, pasensiya na at ako'y nag-digress.

Para kasing feeling ko ay damsel in this dress ... at stressed.

Quid pro quo ay isang kasabihan

Rayuma ni BLISS aking naiintindihan.

Susme, nawala na po ang aking train of thought.

Tingnan n'yo at sumakay yata sa tren na buraot.

Uy, malapit na matapos ang aking "istorya."

Very incoherent nga lang, pahingi ng pasensiya.

Wala yata ang maggot na uod ng aking utak.

X-ray ang kailangan ng ulo kong may biyak.

Yesssss, patapos na ang post ko ngayon.

Zo, pakisampal lang please nang ako'y huminahon.

Magsulat na po ang mga sira ang ulo! Samahan n'yo ako at nalulungkot ako.

Rants from the Past II

2005-12-19T19:21:00.000-08:00

Tsk-tsk, bad move A. You shouldn't be doing this. You promised yourself you're not returning his calls nor answering his letters ever again. So what gives? Why are you breaking your promise? No amount of extra-strength 3M scotch tape could make the broken promise whole again. Yeah right! That excuse again. What's that? Oh, it's the Christian thing to do. Tsk-tsk. You're such a softie. Don't you think you've been treated like a doormat for the nth time. He pops up every now and then, doesn't even ask forgiveness for that awful thing he proposed you both do years ago and acts as if everything's back to normal. Grow up, A! Oops, I'm sorry you can't do that anymore since you've reached your peak. Well, at least, open up your eyes, girl! Get a new pair of specs or contacts if you wish! Wake up!

That's my alter ego speaking, R. May be it hurts you to read it, but it's part of what I feel about you. I don't want to hide under anyone's skirt anymore other than my own. (Oops, make that pants. I hate skirts.) This time, I'm not dodging from my feelings. I want to meet them head on the way I did when we were still in college.

So what is this letter all about? It's not exactly something that'll make you feel good while in a strange land. Talk about adding insult to injury. Naah, not really. Consider this as an outpouring of pent-up emotions, a letter of clarification, a page from my diary perhaps? (Weren't you my diary back in college?)

Well, here goes nothing. I hope you'll drop all "pretenses" and tell me how you really feel after reading this.

I really liked you, you know. Of all the pen friends I had, you're the only one left. Our friendship has also been a part of my growing up years in college. You've also helped me during those times that I felt insecure about myself especially when most of my classmates were against me ... which was most of the time. I remember you writing and reacting to my credo "I humble myself by humiliating myself" ... short of doing a lobotomy on me yourself. You're one of my cushions during my college life. And I didn't even thank you by sharing with you the honors I've received.

Years passed by and we joined the world of the professionals. I thought you've totally forgotten about me. Who would've known we'd start going out together? And that's when everything started going haywire.

Maybe it was my fault. I assumed and presumed too much.

Maybe I should've asked right from the beginning what the real score was. Was it plain friendship or was it more than that? Did the hand calisthenics and the limited oral explorations confined around the face mean anything? Or didn't we just have nothing better to do or talk about then? Was it because of the night, the draft beer we drank or the pizza we ate?

I thought for a moment that there was something. I gave you hints, but I guess we weren't riding on the same wavelength. Maybe there were times that we shared the same frame of reference but you just weren't ready to widen your frame to overlap with mine. You were either silent, changed the topic or plain humiliated me. I hope you felt how confused I was then. Was I sending the wrong signals or couldn't I decipher yours correctly? And to think that we both have degrees in Communication.

Your recent card said, "I'm here for you." I'm sorry but I can't feel your presence. No matter how I try, I just can't feel it.

I thought for a moment that there was something. I guess, I'm wrong again. So, what else is new?

Rants from the Past

2005-12-19T19:17:00.000-08:00

My world has been calm for almost six months and here you are with a phone call to return call and a belated b-day card to rock my world. I'm tempted to scream "What do you want from me?" Haven't you humiliated me enough?" Pardon me for my stupidity but if that card was a peace offering (a "so-sorry letter" reminiscent of the one sent by FVR to Danielle Mitterand), I fail to see an apology even under that veneer.

Uh, was there a message to be read in between the serious message? Your literary effort has got me stumped, pal. Oops, did I write pal? Wouldn't the terms best buddy who's someone special be more apt? Touche'.

My background in Communication failed to prepare me in decoding messages resembling your recent creative genius. Aside from that, two things prevent me from deciphering your version of the Rosetta Stone:

1) It's impossible for me to lift myself;
2) I can never see beyond the horizons because I'm a myopic forever.

I could go on ranting and raving but I won't do that. I'll just pray for you like I do every night.

Good night. I wish you'd tell me what you want from me without hiding behind a cloud of words.

Delivered to you

2005-12-19T19:01:00.000-08:00

Nope, I haven't gotten tired of you. Nope, I haven't forgotten you. Nope, I haven't thought of ignoring you. I just had a lousy week at work and have been fighting a bout of bronchitis for days now. I called in sick today and went to my primary care physician to get antibiotics because gulping Sudafed tablets nor downing almost 1 and 1/2 bottles of Robitussin aren't helping me ease this terrible nose and chest congestion. If you call me right now, you probably would just waste your money because you wouldn't be able to understand my "ngongo" voice due to this darn congestion. Aaargh!

I apologize if you thought I misunderstood what you misunderstood. I don't want to go into details again but I'll just bury the hatchet and forget about where I buried it so I wouldn't be able to dig it up again if the mood strikes. Being a veteran of pen pal writing and now cyber-friendship with the dawn of the internet, I've learned the hard way not to dwell on hurtful words to preserve my self-esteem as well as the other party's self-esteem. (I wonder what my prof in Psychology would say about me now.)

So you like me. For some weird, unfathomable and unexplainable reason, I do like you too. Now wipe that stupid grin (again, your grin is stupid not you so don't think I'm insulting you) off your face and read on if you can still stomach this cyber-ramblings that are automatically and uncontrollably pouring out of my fingertips to be absorbed by the keyboard and sent via cyber-osmosis to you. Ahihihi. What the heck am I talking about about? My Critical Writing prof would probably rise from her grave and kick herself out of the coffin just to slap me for writing some pseudo-intellectual gobbledygook nonsense. Ahihihi.

Anyway, do I have anything to report to you during my cyber-absence from your inbox? What can I say except that I'VE BEEN ALONE SINCE FRIDAY AND WILL BE ALONE UNTIL X-MAS EVE. (Now, why am I shouting? Ahihihi. I think the meds I just took have a narcotic effect and I'm really high right now. ) All my relatives from the cities of Pinole, Vallejo, Stockton, Whittier and here in Hercules left last Friday for a 7-day cruise to the Caribbean and Puerto Rico. I didn't go for numerous reasons: (1) my boss won't let me since there are already two people going on vacation this week; (2) I have no more moolah for a vacation since I spent most of it last May in the Phils; (3) I don't like to go on vacations with my family. No kidding.

And may I repeat what I said a few paragraphs above. For some unfathomable and unexplainable reason, I do like you too. I think the fact that you're the most different of the ones who've befriended me is one thing that makes me spend writing a very rare kilometric epistle. Befriending you and learning about you through e-mail are unique experiences for me. Because if I were still my former stiff self (way back in college), I probably would be wary of people like you and wouldn't care about understanding what makes you tick. Being a teacher opened my mind to welcome different kinds of students and to seek out the needy, the ignored, the average, the problematic and the strange. Hmm...did I say unfathomable and unexplainable reason? I think I've just given you the reasons. Ahihihi.

I could end with "keep the faith," or "keep it real" but that wouldn't be too original. So let me just end with this ...

It is I .. no one to get excited about,

Arnivorous

My Sister's Wedding

2005-09-25T15:17:00.000-07:00

I didn't think I'd like weddings but this one I liked. The scenarios I've been concocting for months just went down the drain. No locking myself in the bathroom until the bouquet throwing part; no jumping off the hotel window to swim with the ducks at the bay; no bringing of Jessica Zafra's Twisted books for additional ammunition aimed at people who kept bugging me with the question, "When are you gonna get married?"; and no changing my off-the-shoulder-see-my-cleavage purple long gown into a respectable black sheath dress and a black blazer. I just kept mumbling the sentence "THIS IS MY SISTER'S DAY AND I'M NOT GONNA RUIN IT FOR HER" like a mantra and things fell into their proper places.

The snags I thought were snags weren't really snags. Me dancing after nine years of being a wallflower surprised most relatives. Marunong daw naman pala ako sumayaw ay bakit ko itinatago? Blame it on my favorite uncle (Uncle Butch) and favorite cousin (Kuya Boyet). They were the ones who literally dragged me to the dance floor and wouldn't let go of my arms lest I danced with them. One relative Kuya Gener was really adamant that I got paired with someone I didn't know (Prospect ba?) that when he introduced this guy Archie and left us on the dance floor, I couldn't do anything but dance with him. Bagay daw kami at dalawang nerds with some UP background. It turned out that the guy once courted my sister. Pero di ko siya type. Kasi hindi malaki ang dibdib. He-he.

I also danced with my brother-in-law. He taught me how to waltz. The best man Dave, who's my brother-in-law's brother, danced with me for a while but he couldn't wait to go back to his American girlfriend ... a Karate instructor. Mahirap na. Pero takot sa 'kin ang mokong. Mike kasi kept building me up telling his brother how "intelligent" I am. The two of us had to make a speech for our respective siblings. I thought mine would turn out dramatic as in heart-wrenching and Dave's would be funny. Pero nagkabaligtad. I made the audience laugh with my speech and he made them cry!

By the way, my sister and my Mom rode a Rolls Royce on the way to St. Patrick's Chapel. Muntik na raw maraming naaksidente sa streets of San Francisco because most people were rubber-necking so that they could catch a glimpse of the vintage car. The bridesmaids, the groomsmen, the best man and I rode a limousine loaded with two TV sets, a CD player, two bottles of champagne and different kinds of sodas. Nakakatuwa kasi we kept waving at the people outside eh hindi naman pala kami nakikita kasi tinted ang car windows. Tanga 'no? O siya, I have to fold the clothes I laundered.

Ahihihi.

Writing Then and Now

2005-09-25T15:08:00.000-07:00

Writing means a lot to me. It's one of the few activities in which I can feel free and be myself. It doesn't matter if my output turns out to be a letter, an essay, a poem or just some crazy imprisoned thoughts wanting to be released from their confines. If I didn't write at least once or twice a week, I would feel incomplete...as if some part of me were missing. There are even times that I find myself itching and reaching for pen and paper at midnight when I should be on my way to Dreamland with or without Krueger-influenced dreams. I feel as if I have to write what's on my mind right at that moment, lest I forget the words in the morning.

It's funny though because when I was in grade school, I hated compositions. The dread of seeing my theme paper returned all covered with big red marks (circles, comments and grammatical corrections) was something I want buried in memory. I never got a grade higher than 85%.

There were three things that got me interested in writing. The first were high school journals in English. For us to hone whatever writing talent we had, our English teachers from sophomore to senior years requested us to keep a journal. In it, we could write whatever we wanted -- deep or shallow reflections, violent or controlled reactions, an even adolescent attempts at poetry. We could even accompany our essays and poems with drawings and pictures. Creativity was what they were trying to draw from us.

I enjoyed the exercise very much because of the informality. Because no one was dictating what to write and in what format, I felt at ease. I found myself taking the exercise seriously to the point of regarding my English journal as a personal diary. I remember writing about myself, my insecurities, my disappointments, my crushes, my fave bands and yes, even my pets. Teenage angst, in short. It was very cathartic.

Second was my sudden interest in reading whatever my hands could get a hold of. Mysteries, short stories, poems, labels, signs, ads and even the backs of milk cartons. The discovery of new words to add to my then meager vocabulary, and the idea of astounding and amazing classmates who had never read any book from cover to cover, spurred me on to write, to try them(new words) out for size, and yes, I humbly admit...to show off. I was very sarcastic.

Third was my being an outcast in class. I didn't have any body odor nor bad breath. I smelled okay -- My Mom said so. She wouldn't lie, would she? -- but my classmates never flocked to me nor did I light up their world when I came near them. The reason? I was not in their league. I was from the wrong side of the tracks. I was not from Ayala Alabang, nor was I from any of the plush villages near our school. I was from Alabang Gilid. "Who needs people like you when I have the twins, Pen and Paper, for company?", I thought. And that's when I began writing furiously -- day and night, noon and midnight, dusk or dawn. All the writing paid off when I surprisingly bagged the First Prize in a Poetry Writing Contest. It was very therapeutic.

Moving on to my college days, I still dabbled in the printed word. Writing weird essays in English 2, dissecting a classic novel in Literature, making a one-page personal reflection paper in Philosophy or handing in attempts at satirical feature articles for the school organ, excited me. On our Graduation Day, I received a Certificate of Recognition for Creative Writing as well as a Silver Medal for Campus Journalism. It seems that The One Above never forgot me for I always got rewards even when I wasn't expecting them. Now, I hope I'm not getting melodramatic.

It's been years since I graduated from college. Now that I'm back into writing but in a different venue and media, I hope I'll feel the way I did once in a writing class ... euphoric.

A One-Sided Love Affair with an Ex-Man of God

2005-09-24T18:36:00.000-07:00

I never thought he'd be my regular lunch mate. In fact, I've never even dreamed that we'd end up as, ugh, pals. It was June 9, 1992 - a day before I bade goodbye to the double two. Anxious to get in the teaching program, I observed Ruby, a giggly girl being given the third degree.

"What's your grade point average?"
"Are you sure?"
"Why do you want to be a teacher?"
"Is it because you failed in your chosen field?"
"Describe yourself."
"Any teaching experience?"

As Mrs. Domanais was busy making Ruby and the rest break out in cold sweat, I tried initiating small talk with this lanky guy wearing horn-rimmed glasses.

"What's your number?" asked the arnivorous.
"Number 27", said Googly Eyes.

How friendly can you get? That's hardly a sentence. Obviously, my effervescent charm failed (or was it something that I imagined I had?). Okay, if that's the way he wants it, fine. I'd just compute my grade point average quietly.

He-hey, what's this I'm seeing from the corner of my left eye? The guy's peeping at my transcript! Well, read it and weep, buster! If my charm failed to catch his attention earlier, my transcript surely made his eyes dilate. Bulge out? Tsk-tsk. So, he thinks he's the only voyeur, eh? Let's see. Now, move your right hand to the right … no to the left, you idiot! Hey, what do we have here? A runaway from San Carlos Seminary? Sure fits him to a T. Ooops, that's my number. Later, dude.

I hardly thought of him after that. It was two weeks after school had started that we got to talk to each other for real. One Saturday morning, he startled me by dragging me to his seat and begging to see my answers to our second learning task. (Okay, so I exaggerated a little about the begging part.)

"Sige na! Ikaw kasi ang standard ko eh.", said the dude while winking.

Uh, well, duh, okay. Sheez, I'm such a sucker for compliments. I allowed him to peruse my not-exactly-one-of-the-best works and discussed with him things in the hand-outs which were clear as mud. Nothing mildly exciting happened after that.

The week that followed started it all. I became over-excited with their group report that I made an outline of it. I dunno what attracted me to sit next to him and show him my effort. I guess, I amazed him so he borrowed my outline since their group had no visual aids. Second-time sucker, arnimal! Everything went smoothly in their report, thanks daw to me. My reward? Free lunch which amounted to P10 but hey, it paved the way for more than small talks. After that Saturday, we arrived at an unwritten and an unspoken agreement: we'd be lunchmates till the end of the semester.

We played hookey once. We scoured the pier, stayed somewhere similar to a Navy Country Club, traded stories from my college days and his seminary years and binged on junk food. (Quick, why did he get out of the hollowed halls? He wanted to imitate his Dad - have a son who would one day be a priest!) We headed back to PNU, ate a hearty lunch and exchanged philosophical tidbits kuno. Before we finally parted after the first "tryst", he started teaching me Greek. I didn't have the chance to wonder if he'd all of a sudden chant in Latin 'cause the one o'clock bell rang … or did I imagine it? No bells in this university but classes start and end.

Then came The Doomsday (read: finals in Educ. 1). I changed seats -- from the third row to the front row -- under the guise of poor vision so that I could obtain better visibility of the ex-man of God. Our prexy, who was seated on my left, moved to a less conspicuous location to snooze. Seeing that the seat next to me was vacant, he plopped down noisily as if bored to death with all the reports of the members of Group 6. He started a barrage of queries, oblivious to the baleful looks Domanais was throwing at us.

"What's your NCEE score?"
"Why did you leave UP?"
"Can I apply at St. Paul?"
"Won't I create pandemonium among the girls?"
"Do you have any idea how underpaid and overworked I am?"

He nonchalantly asked all these questions while casually holding my hands and touching my arms. Forty-nine pairs of eyes observed the show. I was soooo embarrassed.

Time for the F word … finals I mean. I couldn't concentrate that well because he didn't return to his original seat. He was glued next to me till the end of the period. He finished first and pestered me to hurry up. (I'm talking about finishing the test and not finishing a quickie, okay?) I got annoyed for the first time with the guy. I mean really, just because he's got a cute pair of teasing eyes, a nice profile, soft and kissable lips, a spiky head and a penchant for Neil Simon witticisms and Woody Allen non-sequiturs, did not give him the right to mess up my "academic curve."

Naturally, I forgave him. Boy, I'm in too deep.

THE CONTINUATION

It's been almost three months since I've been subtly angling for a date from the erstwhile seminarian and perennial Saturday lunch mate of mine. Finals week in Educ. 3 was just around the bend and I was getting desperate. I sought the counsel of a married classmate who advised me to take the initiative and ask the guy out somewhere. I approached a daring friend who handed me a Cosmopolitan feature article, the thesis statement of which went something like, "If you don't ask, you don't get." But hey, wait a minute here! Nice girls don't ask men out. Nice girls wait to be asked. But then, whoever said I was nice? Not even my Chairperson would nod in approval. Then I thought, if I don't ask him out, at the age of 70, I'd probably be speculating still on what might have been -- whether there had ever been a chance of a relationship developing.

One October afternoon, I nervously picked up the nearby pay phone and dialled The Guy's number. My plan was to remind him to bring my Up The Down Staircase and easily slip the question, "Will you marry me?", er, I mean, "Care to go out with a bespectacled midget?" :D Do you know what he did? He turned the tables on me before I could even pull out a chair and sit. He popped the question and saved me from embarrassment! "Will I marry him?", er, I mean, "Would I like to go to the much-raved-about Malabon Zoo?" Heck, I'd go with him anywhere, but naturally, I didn't tell him that. I got so flustered when he unconsciously reversed my well-laid plans that I blurted out something vague about going and not going. We ended the phone conversation with me reminding him to bring my book and he telling me that he found my voice cute. I already know that. Sheez, why hasn't anyone told me that my voice was husky or sexy or bedroom-voice-like? He-he. :D Dream on, girl. His sister even thought that I was one of his infatuated students pretending to be his classmate! After analyzing my mediocre performance as a modern woman of the world, I called back one Friday afternoon and asked if he was still free to accompany me to the animal sanctuary to visit his relatives. Affirmative so off to the zoo we went after wrestling with our Educ. 3 finals.

At the zoo, we had a great time watching two exotic birds bark instead of chirp and a lion cub named Luningning tear an Abante tabloid to bits. (Got disgusted with Xerex probably.) The ex-man of God was fascinated as I observed him look intently at two tigers doing the X-rated thing in public. A myna bird almost decapitated his fingers because he kept poking the poor fowl and forcing it to say "hello" even if it was busy with an afternoon snack.

Then we went to Pizza Hut and had a heady conversation about anything under the sun -- films, Woody Allen, Neil Simon, my former job, his students, parents and (Gasp!) masturbation. The guy was riveting! There was never a dull moment with him. He's definitely got brains and not maggots in between his ears.

Of course, I didn't like the day to end, but we eventually had to part. I was prepared to go on a Dutch Treat but he insisted on paying for everything. We wouldn't be seeing each other anymore, he said but he'd keep in touch. That I still have to see.

I'm really gonna miss everything about him. His admirable guts in dozing off even beside a prof, his booming voice when he recites or reports in class, his attempts at mimicking Doc and that faggot Chris and even the way he laughs when he catches me slapping my face three times when I get sleepy in the afternoon sessions.

He's no longer interested in enrolling this coming semester. I tried changing his mind for weeks but to no avail. He said he couldn't handle teaching eight sections and still be saddled with a study load of nine units. Instead, he's going into body building to avoid being branded as a deadringer of Woody Allen. Frankly, I think it's an insult to compare him with the nebbish genius. The ex-sem's mug is much, much cuter.

It's time to swallow the bitter pill. Enough of this seemingly short-lived one-sided never-had-a-chance-to-take-off love affair with another myopic. Ahihihi.

The Meaning of Arnivorous

2005-09-24T18:17:00.000-07:00

arnivorous, from the dictionary entitled Bookbarni means capable of being an arnimal. It is an adjective, a nerdy friend coined, referring to someone who sits on a corner and munches a C. Hecklers would chide that definition and declare it as bull. What they fail to see is the irony in my nick/handle. arnivorous is really a VERBIVORE: someone who devours words on sight. Ask my sister egetarian and she'll tell you that I'm always hungry for punsters and would always gobble pundits to taste if they're palatable. What a feast, eh? Ahihihi.

I wonder if there's someone out there who could be my Attila the Pun or Conan the Grammarian. Ahihihi.