Beating 13 other creative non-fiction writer wanna-be's in the first Laboratoryo Essay Writing Contest, ala-Matt killed the judges with laughter by his "Caution: Talking Paramecia At Work." His piece just winked at ciggyforbreakfast's "Hello, Party Line?" which placed second and nudged Dudong_Bilatski's "Rated X Essay" which placed third. His piece sent an up-yours- suckers message to those who thought cussing is plain crass indulged in only by the angry and the vocabulary-deficient. Pseudo-philosophical freaks and Marxist aficionados may dismiss his work as pseudo-cosmopolitan crock influenced by capitalists, but no one really cares.
His original presentation of his submitted entry toppled other styles which were mostly straight narratives. His description of the flamboyant Earl and the disgusting Jack leaves a mark in anyone who reads his piece from start to finish. Those who questioned his "puking scene" aren't laughing but that's because they didn't get ala-Matt's style. And now ala-Matt is laughing all the way to the bank and leaving those people still scratching their heads.
Quotable gems from his winning entry include the following:
"I bet he was such a non-fucking loser." (referring to Earl's delusional playboy image of himself)
"I thought your grandmother passed away last year," said Mrs. David in a declarative rather than in an interrogative voice. Suddenly, the very precocious Rica looked at me with her 'you-lied-I'm-gonna-rip-your-head' look. Jack and Earl appeared like two men with brains of a bird that I laughed hard inside, forgetting what Mrs. David had just said.
I'm sorry. What did you say?" (describing the scenario of being caught in a lie about his reason for not coming to Rica's party)
"We'll be there in a jifney!" (referring to the poseur Jack's stupid malapropism of the word jiffy)
If you're curious to know more about ala-Matt, read his interview below. If you're not, we don't really care. Bite us.
1) Tell me some personal stats:
- age and bday
Some damned evening of March, 1983, a bearded man interjaculated his ejaculation while having an intergalactic intercourse with a fine young lass and only one of the millions of fucking sperm cells fucked that woman's egg cell. Alas, nine months later, another Bourne was born.
- degree finished in college/MA in progress?
B.S. Cursing. Currently taking up M.A. in Profanity Studies Major in Vituperation.
- school attended/attending
former University of the Poor
- past occupations: where?
Copywriter-slash-marketing communications specialist-slash-your wrist; in the same company I mentioned in my fucking essay.
- present occupation: where?
Copywriter-slash-marketing communications specialist-slash-your wrist; in the same company I mentioned in my fucking essay. Don’t be an “Earl.” This is neither a fucking déjà vu nor a typo error, idiot. Yeah, right. I resigned and came back. I'm a real masochist by profession.
2) Why did you join the contest?
Nuts for dough, not for doughtnuts.
3) Who did you think would give you some serious competition? Why?
I thought Incense would give me some serious competition because of all the people in the Lab, he's the only one who is sensible enough not to make sense.
4) How long did it take you finish your entry?
I promise to compute the seconds I spent writing my entry. I would probably have the answer by next leap year. Although I guess the time I spent writing was the same as the length of time a sperm could survive in a lukewarm-water-filled bathtub.
5) How would you describe the style you used to narrate the paramecia in your workplace?
APA? MLA? If it’s not the footnotes we’re talking about, I really don’t know.
6) Did you check the laugh-o-meter of your piece by having someone read it first before submitting it as an entry? Why? Why not?
Actually, I asked someone to read it first but I didn’t know if her laughter reached even the first imaginary line of the laugh-o-meter. I was a bit reluctant at first because even my “other” self couldn’t find the laughing-gas attributes of the material. Subsequently, I told myself, “The hell I care!” and submitted my entry.
7) Describe your feelings a few minutes (or maybe an hour? day perhaps?) before posting your entry.
1 hour before posting: SBP and DBP: Normal
59 minutes: SBP and DBP: Fucking Normal
58 minutes: SBP and DBP: Moronic Normal
57 minutes: SBP and DBP: Idiotic Normal
56 minutes: SBP and DBP: Numbskull Normal
55 minutes: SBP and DBP: Dodo Normal
54 minutes: SBP and DBP: Dunderhead Normal
…
59 seconds: SBP and DBP: a bit higher
58 seconds: SBP and DBP: Normal
57 seconds: SBP and DBP: Abnormal
56 seconds: SBP and DBP: Back to normal
55 seconds: do I really have to do this?
…
Exact time of Posting: I thought I was fucking dead that I hadn’t been able to click POST.
8) Was there a particular reason for using English instead of Tagalog as your medium of expression?
It’s like choosing between “fuck” and “kantot.”
Imagine if I used Tagalog in sentences like these:
There was no fucking infernal place in the world than where I used to work.
Walang kumakantot na mala-impyernong lugar sa mundo kundi sa kung saan ako nagtatrabaho dati.
But one fucking day…
Pero isang kumakantot na araw…
Of course you cannot imagine anymore. I already showed you.
9) Are there any particular writers who influenced your writing style? Can you name some of them and give a brief description of their influence in your work.
None. What do you think I am—a pathetic palooka who doesn’t have the brain to produce ideas and style of his own like the mere anarchist who had brief interviews with hideous men who could talk pretty one day? In your face, WA, DFW and DS!
Raymond Romano and Michael Imperioli rule!
10) How did you learn about this lit community?
I’m still in the process.
Status: 1% PROGRESS. Not this lit community but the process of learning… process of learning... NOT of the people in this community but my own. Dig that, ostentatious, pseudo intellectuals!
11) What are you going to do with your cash prize?
I’m going to wipe my ass with each bill before buying it with stuff from the Indian-owned boutique across our office.
12) Are you going to join future Lab writing contests?
Only when the prize is right and the contest is worth the fucking feat of defecating rigmaroles out of my fucked-up brain cells.
13) Any parting shots?
Damn you, fucking apostrophe!
Whew! I thought I couldn’t do that paradoxical cuss.
NOTE: ala-Matt is a member of my Labable Lab Cats group.
