The Women of Lab: An Interview of Arnivorous by Alambre

1. Tell us about your lineage.
- I'm an American citizen but I'm still a full-blooded Pinoy. At airports, people think I'm Chinese. Must be because I'm mestizang hilaw.

2. Your vital stats please.
- Is this similar to ASL? Then mine is Alien, Saturn, Lightyears.

3. How was your life like growing up?
- Uber Nerd: always an outcast, always beaten up by big girls in class, always topped academic exams

4. Have you experienced being swooned by a lot of guys?
- Yep, I've had my share of this but the ones who swooned seemed to be the married kind. Sheez.

5. Where's the most unforgettable place you've ever been?
- 17-mile scenic drive in Monterey, California. There's this island that looks like it's covered with white cement. Turns out that the white stuff is just accumulated bird shit.

6. Still any place you haven't been and want to go to?
- I'd love to go Venice, ride a gondola and sing "Like A Virgin" by Madonna.

7. What should a guy do to have your attention(except this interview of course)?
- Just be witty ... and maybe you'll catch me. Unless, I catch you first.

8. Heard any good jokes lately?

From Woody Allen's Without Feathers:
I ran into my brother today at a funeral. We had not seen one another for 15 years, but as usual he produced a pig bladder from his pocket and began hitting me on the head with it. Time has helped me understand him better. I finally realized his remark that I am "some loathsome vermin fit only for extermination" was said more out of compassion than anger. Let's face it: he was always much brighter than me -- wittier, more cultured, better educated. Why he is still working at McDonald's is a mystery.

9. What's one thing people would be surprised to find out about you?
- I may be petite but I own a pair of natural big knockers.

10. Let's stay away a bit from hobbies, what are your sports?
- Past: full-contact Boggle and Textwist, marathon pen-lifting and olympic keyboard-tapping

- Present: working out at the gym three times a week

11. What would you consider as the sexiest part of your body (ahem)?
- Believe it or not, those parts would be my hands and my tongue.

12. How about the most ticklish part of your body?
- Waistline, thighs and knees

13. Not that we Labmen are interested, but what do you wear when you go to sleep?
- During spring and summer: guy's boxer shorts, tank top, no bra

- During fall and winter: Victoria's secret flannel pajamas

14. How do you manage to stay so radiant?
- I try to get enough sleep and go to a spa every now and then if I have extra moolah ... or when I visit the Philippines to splurge.

15. I've been known for this question: have you ever kissed a girl? or gone skinny-dipping?
- Kissed a girl: Yes, but it was only accidental! We ended up blurting out, "Uy, di ako tibo ha?"

- Skinny-dipping: Yes. Just in a jacuzzi if that counts.

16. How do you relax?
- Visit The Lab and post till I get bored ... especially when I'm the only one online.

17. How do you spoil yourself?
- Does the term SERIAL SHOPPER mean anything to you?

18. The best and the worst pick-up line ever used on you?
- The best: I can't think of anything right now.

- The worst: You're so sweet you could give me diabetes or a toothache ... whichever comes first.
19. What's the craziest thing a guy has done to catch your attention?
- Back when I was still crazy chatting in a Singaporean website, a Vietnamese guy got so infatuated with my online charm that he e-mailed me his resume and applied as my boyfriend. I edited his resume, e-mailed it back with a note that he should go back to medical school and charm my socks off when he's finished school.

20. What turns you off?
- Guys who smoke and curse like a Parisian whore
- People who are rude and loud in public

21. If you're an actress which villain would you play?
- That would be Battlestar Galactica's Cylon#6 played by Tricia Helfer. If you've seen that fracking show in the SciFi Channel, you would know her.

22. What is unique about you, the thing that makes you stand out from the rest?
- I'm ARNIVOROUS = Always Raring to Needle Irksome Violent Obtuse Really Obscure Underdeveloped Stupidents.

23.Is there a possibility for us ordinary Labfolks to end up with you (if you're single of course)?
- Only if your nick is kikomaniac.

24. Ever asked a guy out for a date?
- Yes. An online friend and I dated on January 1, 2007. We were both balikbayans celebrating the holidays in the Philippines. He picked me up from a spa in Makati, then we drove to the NAIA and he cancelled his flight to Qatar to be with me. We had a hearty lunch, a sumptuous dinner and good conversation. It was a wholesome EB.

25. What is your problem?
- Telling chinesedictionary, without hurting her feelings, that I'm better than her when it comes to cybersex.

26. Okay, I will not ask you about the men in your life, how about the life in your men?
- They were alive when they met me. I hope they didn't die when I left them. If my laughter could kill, all the men I've dated would've been dead by now. Ahihihi.

27. How do you make dreams come true?
- Just ask the shaman, alambre, to make me a moderator.

28. What's the first thing you look at in a man?
- I don't care about looks. If he smells good and he's witty ... I may consider something more than a roll in the hay.

29. On the other hand, how do you pamper your man?
*changes into a masseuse costume* Powder or lotion, sir?

30. (pang miss universe) What's the best thing about being a woman?

- Woman without her man is nothing.

- Woman, without her man, is nothing.

- Woman, without her, man is nothing.

Notice the lack of commas and placement of the commas? You be the judge.

Ahihihi.

Links and Threads

Below is a list of threads that I used to treasure when I was still very active in different message boards. Click on one if you don't have some time in your hands. Click them all if you want to smile ... or ... smirk ... if I'm smug.

1) It's time to learn! Prof Arni is here! http://www.grabeh.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1309&page=1

2) Fun with ABC Stories http://www.grabeh.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1377&page=1

3) Original Hoe Downs Inspired by "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" http://www.grabeh.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4264&page=1

Aaargh! I don't know how to make the links work so just cut and paste I guess.

My Eight

I forcefully had myself tagged by this guy (I fondly call as Master Baytor) who pops in my inbox every now and then. We've been friends since 2001 (or 2002) but he's never sent me anything that reeks of chain e-mail. I went to his blog and saw below:

But first, the rules:

1. List eight (8) things/facts about yourself that people don't know.
2. Then tag anybody you wish to tag.
3. Leave a comment on his/her blog telling them they're tagged.
4. Have them post the meme (maybe he meant memo?)on their blogs and do the same thing.
5. Remember, there is no pressure. We're just keeping the cycle running.

My Eight

1) I read erotica stories via my cellphone. (Gasp!) It's an entertaining way to pass the time while I'm on 40-minute BART train commute to work. Ahihihi.

2) I don't cook because I'm afraid of hot oil and fire. My first and last attempt at cooking was way back in 1993 when Mom left me all by my lonesome to visit my sister in California. (I was still based in the Philippines then.) Before frying a chicken thigh, I donned a long-sleeved shirt, a beanie, a pair of gloves and armed myself with the thickest potholder in the kitchen. My fried chicken was burnt toast on the outside and sushi on the inside. Aargh!

3) I secretly edit the minutes of the meetings that were written by the managers in our department. Every time one of them sends an e-mail that that the minutes have been stored in the share drive, I open the file and start editing the misspelled words and insert the right punctuation marks ... or delete them when necessary. Most people in our department spell calendar as calender or add an apostrophe in all their plurals. Uh, hello?

4) I have horrible nightmares about my four-year old nephew. All my nightmares involve him in every accident imaginable. Should I go back to my shrink to discuss? Hmm...

5) I tricked my neighbors by imitating the Santo Nino and pretending to be in a trance. They prayed to me and asked me to heal them. I did this when I was in third or fourth grade.

6) I dress conservatively but my undies are sexy. I have most of the Victoria's Secret collection of bras and panties.

7) I used to think Rick Springfield was GOD. I had posters of him on the walls of my bedroom in our house and in my dorm room in Kalayaan Residence Hall back in UP Madilim. I even wrote more than 20 poems about him. This memory now makes me cringe. Eeew!

8) This tagging ends here ... right now. I will not forward this to anyone and waste his time.

The Bitches' Brew (haha)

Overheard from a conversation in the recent Annual Bitches' Brew (haha) Convention:

ON BIRTHDAYS AND MEN

THE AGENT: Honestly, I don't mind you forgetting my birthday. It was the happiest and I just can't imagine you coming in and destroying the atmosphere. However, one eccentric bloke did. Wrote me a bloody note and greeted me "Merry Christmas." Some creatures are just out to insult your intelligence. That's why I'm here for you.

LUKA: A cyber-friend of mine sent me this Joan Rivers birthday card calling me a tramp and making a wild guess that I'd been laid on more floors than linoleum. Of course, that was a grand joke I enjoyed. But I oughtta put gravity on his balls because when I see him in person, I'll make two servings of omelette out of 'em. I told him that.

MICHIKO: I had intense birthday blues. I was even thinking of locking up in the room with my old boyfriend for old time's sake. But just sometime ago, I heard he was already sick with that kind of thing he does with that fart who lives next door to him. Oh God, I hurt. Then I remember I had to think about the lasagna, the beer, the kitchen, the old XB tapes, the hairspray, the color of my lipstick and how I'd react after he hands me that box with the Snoopy wrapper for the nth time.

BABETH: I was a little amused to learn that you're sympathetic to morons, turds and dorks. I'm afraid I'm more than sympathetic -- I dated Kamuning's village idiot and leading low-life for almost two years. Then he decided I, Babeth in shorts, uptown girl extra-ordinaire moi, with my Larry Silva outfits, my Sylvia Santos bags, my black leather Joan Crawford fuck-me pumps and cosmopolitan affectations, was not good for his public image. End of a potential love story. Now, I spend Saturday nights watching porn on cable.

ARNIVOROUS (a.k.a. The Greek from Munti): If my laughter could kill, all the men I've dated would've been dead by now. Ahihihi.

Writing Q-Tips

1) Read a lot. By reading, you'll be able to observe the different kinds of writing styles of different authors. Then you can try to copy some of their styles at first until you're ready to have a style of your own.

2) Keep a journal of whatever you write. It doesn't matter if at first you'll commit a lot of grammatical errors. What matters is you have the intention to improve and seek help from those whom you think can help you improve.

3) Learn a new word everyday and use it in a sentence. You may use the word by writing a sentence on a piece of paper or by conversing with someone.

4) Expose yourself to different styles of writing. Try not to limit your taste to what you have been stuck with for years. If you're into romance novels, try non-fiction for a change. If you're into comedy, try a history book. If you've been reading Abante or Hustler for years, check out the Wall Street Journal or Time to keep that libido in place and not go awry.

5) Improve your grammar in cyberspace by checking out sites regarding English or whatever language you use to write. Test yourself by reading the posts of members in a board and try to see if you can spot an error. Keep your criticisms to yourself if you want to avoid the wrath of the entire forum community.

6) Be your own worst critic. If you've just finished writing an essay, read and re-read then re-read all the sentences that you've written. Edit more than once because as Jacqueline Susann's book title goes, Once is not Enough. Or as my favorite writing motto goes, "Write in white heat; revise in cold blood."

7) Start a collection of grammar books and writing manuals. Based on the experts, you would know whether Charles' or Charles's is right; whether '90s or 90s or even 90's is correct or whether Dear Sir/Madam or Dear Gentlemen is apt.

8) Attend writing workshops or seminars. If you have extra moolah, then go ahead and register in the workshops held in Intramuros in Manila or even Ayala in Makati. However, make sure that the one conducting the workshop/seminar is not just a good writer but a good speaker and a good teacher as well. Unfortunately, not all award-winners convey their writing tips well when they speak before an audience. Some of them are better read than heard. If that's the case, the money you spent wouldn't be worth it. You should've chosen a freebie workshop/seminar instead.

9) Have another pair of eyes examine your written product. In that way, you'll know if the product of your imagination is a *MASTERPIECE or a **MONSTERPIECE.

*MASTERPIECE - a finished piece of literature that's gained you some reputation (not necessarily a Palanca award)

**MONSTERPIECE - a finished piece of litterture for clueless wannabe writers who hate listening to the advice of someone who has created a masterpiece

10) Swap written articles with a friend. You can blast each other's works for fun or praise them to boost both your egos. Ahihihi.

11) Network with other writers or would-be writers. In this way, you can gain different insights and be exposed to different forms and styles of writing. You would know what works and what sucks, what hits and what bombs. Try to meet other writers or would-be writers in public places like restaurants. You can always proofread the menu cards and look for misspelled words or wrong grammar. Ahihihi.

12) Join and register in http://laboratoryo.invisionplus.net

*On a personal note, when I feel that my alphabetical muses have been buried alive in the literary graveyard, I would pry open their coffins by reading aloud funny grammar books or reciting Woody Allen gems. Ideas would suddenly gush out until I couldn't control them anymore. Then I wind up staying in my room and convincing myself not to write any more writing tips.

Disjointed

I'm not usually at a loss for words but I'll try to come up with a mouthful today. I wasn't able to get that much sleep and the bags under my eyes are proof of that. But since I'm not really going anywhere I'd better unpack these bags. (Please tell me you got that. Please?)
***

How I really wish that people's optimism would rub off on me. I guess, I've always been like this: a perfectionist. Just one minor glitch in my plan drives me nuts. When I fail and fall down, I have a hard time getting up. Sometimes I stay down and hide under a shell and write like an Eskimo stuck in his igloo and never wanting to come out even if there's no blizzard in sight. It takes someone dear to me to help me get up and to coax me back in the real world and out of my comfort zones.

***

I should've written sooner but the timing didn't seem to be right. I've finally found a new way to unleash the creative juices hiding inside my dormant brain which I thought was slowly degenerating. The language that I use now is subdued...very unlike the arnivorous arnimal of the past. However, I revert into the naughty me when I post in the vernacular. Two of my virtual mentors, the honorable masters and geniuses of puns and double-entendre, welcomed me with cyber open arms and taught me the basics until I could get the hang of it and come up with my originals.

***

When I was a temporary bum, I amused myself by exchanging wacky and weird e-mail messages with foreign germs and fellow Filipinos who can ride my wavelength. Some are not good riders though so they fall off somewhere or get hit by the white squall by surfing on the wrong side.

Uh-oh. Am I mixing my metaphors here? Uh, I don't think I have anything to worry about. No sight of English teachers to criticize a misspelled word, a wrong syntax or an incoherent gibberish. Should that be jibberish? To be an instant thesaurus...that's my wish.

****

A friend sent me her latest poem for perusal and critiquing. What are the points? Good point: catchy title which is Barilan. Next point: that's the only thing that's good with it. Some other points: absence of imagery, dearth of double-entendre, banal style bordering on yawning.

Golly bee, I wouldn't want myself to criticize my work ever. I'm gonna bury myself six feet below the ground and not even Lestat can pry open my coffin and coax me out of my autistic world.

Ahihihi.

Iskul Bukol Diary Entry

Dear Kuya Mokong,

When I was a kid (and a very very very small kid at that), I was always the victim of a bully or a group of bullies.

Back in kindergarten, I used to live in an apartment in Makati. We lived on the second floor while a gay teenage neighbor lived downstairs. This gay teen would always cajole me to talk to "her" by offering me food and goodies. Since I was matakaw, I was easily cajoled. This bading then would pull my hair, slap me, and pinch my arms and my legs leaving a lot of bruises. "She" would then threaten me not to tell anyone or else, "she" wouldn't give me any goodies anymore. Because I was too naive (naiiva!) and was always a slave to my stomach, I endured the abuse. My Mom would always ask me why I was black and blue all over. I would just say that I played hide and seek, tumbang preso, piko, etc. with the other neighborhood kids and that I was always lampa.

Then one time, I thought of getting back at this bading. "She" almost cornered me while I was on my way home but I ran as fast as I could and slammed the door of our house. There was a hole on our door and "she" peeped. I figured that the hole was my salvation. Next thing, "she" knew, there was SPIT all over the "her" face! He-he-he. Sumbong siya sa Nanay niya ... at sa Mommy ko!

Nagwagi,

arnivorous

Ten Little Foolinians

Ten little Foolinians
with short hair in a line
One was a T-bird
and then there were nine.

Nine little Foolinians
in Amigo where they ate
One misbehaved
and then there were eight.

Eight little Foolinians
smoking as if in heaven
One suffered from cancer
and then there were seven.

Seven little Foolinians
with DOMs they would mix
One got pregnant
and then there were six.

Six little Foolinians
in colored ribbons to look alive
"Mrs. Hunter" caught one
and then there were five.

Five little Foolinians
wearing flat shoes on the second floor
A student leader apprehended one
and then there were four.

Four little Foolinians
in Malvar Gate they would flee
Strict was the "sikyu"
and then there were three.

Three little Foolinians
in tight skirts and stilleto
One was suspended
and then there were two.

Two little Foolinians
exchanging skirts in the john
But "Mrs. Hunter" saw one
and then there was one.

One little Foolinian
all alone with no one
Breaks another regulation
and then there was none.

*This parody is dedicated to all Paulinian violators.

Ang Sagot Sa Tulang "Mas Mabuting Laging Bigo Ang Isang Makata"

(alam mo nang hindi ito para sa kanya)

Natuto akong bumigkas ng "... na mo!"
matapos hagurin ng mga mata ko
ang produkto ng isip at pluma mo.
Hindi mo napansin
na nawala ang kislap
sa mapaglaro kong mga mata.
Nagtago ang ngiti.
Nagkubli ang halakhak.
Dumungaw ang kunot sa noo.
Tinawag mo ako
ngunit ibang pangalan ang iyong nasambit.
Nagulantang tayong dalawa
sa iyong naiusal.
Humingi ka ng paumanhin
na ibinigay ko naman
sapagkat wala akong magawa.
Patuloy na lang akong nakinig
sa iyong mga himutok at hinaing.
Manhid ka ngunit di mo alam.
Ako nama'y nagpapanggap na manhid na rin.

Nobyembre 4 ... Noong Akala Ko'y Retreat Ito

(paumanhin kay Tony Perez)

Ang bintana ng kaluluwa
ay kailangan ng tungkod
Ang matalinong hangin
na galling sa sutana
ay hindi makapasok
sa silid ng diwa.


Ang pagkain
sa alas dose
ay hindi kasagutan
kundi
ang pagsiping
kay Kama
Kumot,
at Unan.

Notes To Self

1) Think of the hypocrites in the office as reversible jackets. Give them a box of detergent to wash off their icky smell.

2) Surprise people by smiling at those who never bothered to smile at me.

3) Give a Subway sandwich to the homeless guy after work. He's had enough of Noah's Bagels from me.

4) Females recognize bitches because they (the females) are bitches too. It takes one to know one ... or two ... or three. And I don't mean that in a biblical sense.

5) Rekindle old friendships if my OLD friends still have a candle to hold for me. I can always gaze at the fireplace and burn old printed e-mail messages. Oooh.

6) Praise those who need to be praised. Ignore those who scorn those who are praised.

7) Ride others' wavelengths and fine-tune my channels. Cross signals abound. Roger, I'm soooo over you. You're out.

8) Some say, damned if you do and damned if you don't. I say, "Do ... because damned if I won't."

9) People who think others are losers just don't have somebody to say they're winners.

10) Those who scorn at the popularity of others need a boost in morale. Have a break. Have a Kitkat.

11) When jealousy rears its ugly head, I will hold on to a prayer to make it through the day.

12) Place in ignore mode all the people and things who and which annoy me so that I will have a good disposition all throughout the day.

13) Talk to people about ideas and events ... not about other people.

14) Always remember that familiarity breeds contempt so I will put some distance between me and sweet creatures who are too close for comfort ... every now and then.

15) Rage against the machine but hit on those which are out of order only.

*sings "Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, lovely day. Oh lovely daaaaaay"

I Love To Read ... I Love To Write

I LOVE TO READ ...

... so that I could escape reality just for a few hours. Fantasies give me hope that my problems can be solved.

... so that I can meet a lot of people without talking to them face-to-face.

... so that I can learn new writing styles and adopt some that would suit mine.

... so that I could go to different places without leaving my bed.

... so that I could spell better than some people.


I LOVE TO WRITE ...

... to get people's attention and reaction.

... to make my friends laugh.

... to amuse myself.

... to annoy people whom I want to be annoyed.

Ten Things I Hate About You

(Or Why You Are No Longer ROSS-ey)


10) You are a Mama's boy.

9) You remember my birthday but you don't remember your children's birthdays nor their ages. (Tsk-tsk.)

8) You still went to work on the day that your ex-wives gave birth to your sons. (How could you?)

7) You send me birthday and Christmas gifts without any accompanying card. (Dude, your gifts even have the price tags on them!)

6) You lack wit and my kind of humor.

5) You don't get my jokes that I feel so embarrassed after delivering them. (Ahuhuhu.)

4) You don't know how to use Google. (For Pete's sake, even my 61-year old Mom knows how to use Google.)

3) You have never used a deodorant. (Until I told you to.)

2) Your favorite show is "Wowowee." (Aaargh!)

1) You keep telling me that you love me but you won't even visit me. (Enough said.)