The Pussylitarian Rules of Claw

1) Acknowledge all bwisitors, hecklers, well-wishers and wanna-be's to The Cat House.

2) Dugyot posts in The Cat House will be ignored or ridiculed ad nauseam depending on our mood.

3) Think of quality, not quantity, when submitting works to the CSA. Check spelling, typos and grammatical horrors before uploading your piece.

4) Follow the one-post/two-crit policy (1 poem-2 crits of 2 poems; 1 essay-2 crits of 2 essays NOT 2 POEMS and 1 short story-2 crits of 2 short stories NOT 2 POEMS).

5) Support all Lab Cats' submissions to the CSA. Give praise when it's worthy; offer suggestions to the lousy.

6) Posting cut and pasted funny feline pics or links of hilarious hirsute hussies is allowed.

7) Under no circumstances is txt splng nor aLtErNaTiNg CaPs AlLoWeD.

8) Clean the litter box after every dugyot poop. (Read: If someone posts a dugyot entry, redirect the thread to be funny.)

9) Be a witty kitty. Make others laugh. Sniff in a jiff. Scratch and snatch. Pounce with a bounce.

Meowr!

Panatang Makalabcat

(Para sa Pusang Ina Ko)

Iniibig ko ang Cat House,
Maging pusakal ma'y pipiliin itong tambayan,
Ito'y tahanan ng ngumingiyaw na angkan,
Sa piling ng pusang ina, ika'y kukupkupin at susuportahan,
Upang maging magaling at makapag-post ng kaabang-abang.

Bilang ganti, hindi ko gagamitin ang aking mga kuko
sa walang saysay na kalmutan,
Susundin ko ang mga alituntunin ng laboratoryong
aking kinabibilangan,
Tutuparin ko ang mga ito hanggang sa ang mga balahibo
ay magsilagasan.

Paglilingkuran ko itong Cat House nang walang pagdadamot
kahit tinik ng isda lang ang nasa hapag-kainan.
Sisikapin kong maging isang tunay na Labcat,
Sa CATalasan ng isip, CATalinhagaan ng salita,
at CATagumpayan ng gawa.

Meowrrr!

NOTE: This is the winning entry for my "Panatang Makalabcat" contest for my kitty cats. The author of our version of the cat oath of allegiance is the wily and wacky winsum82.

The Labable Lab Cats

THE LAB CATS

1) will be composed of cute and cuddly, but smart and witty mods and members

2) will lick the wounds of the grammatically-challenged

3) will use upper and lower cases in sentence construction

4) will eliminate comma splices, run-on sentences, misplaced and dangling modifiers in our works

5) will proofread and edit our works at least three times before posting anything ... to avoid cyber humiliation and future flames from grammar freaks (

6) will be prepared to scratch the backs of those who scratch ours

7) will show claws only when attacked so that we can defend ourselves and the entire "kittendom"

8) will lead word game threads as mental exercise (ex: alliteration, ABC stories, nickronyms, etc.)

9) will aim to write essays that will make the readers go, "meow," este, "aaaw"

10) will promote class and not crass in The Lab (This means we refuse to post anything using expletives -- tangna, fuck you, etc. -- unless they are part of a dialogue or quote in a short story or essay.)

11) will remain cool and polite in our interaction with Labbers and Labsters in spite of the continued riling from attention-hungry members

12) will always thank members who post comments (may they be positive or negative) in our threads in the CSA Essay Lab

*arnivorous alliterates, changes into her catty cheerleader costume, claps and cheers*

Lab Cats can rule
They can all drool
Some think we're "prudes"
They're just rude dudes!

Meowr!

My Newly Coined LABable Words

These words are based on the crazy characters (members and moderators) of the Laboratoryo website -- http://laboratoryo.invisionplus.net

Alambreonics - the science and philosophy of the Lab shaman; may involve the occasional magic of the altnicks

Arnivorous arnimal - the verbivore who devours words on sight in this site

Arntertainment - the art of amusing Kaykay the arnivorous way; usually involves word play, alliteration and rhyme streak style; done sometimes to irritate a chosen few

Bum-mer - a noun pertaining to bum's spot-on crit of a lousy or readable poem in the Poetry Lab

Busabosize - to dissect a poem the santongbusabos way; after effects may include any or all of the following -- frowning, bawling, cursing, leaving The Lab for good or sucking it up and trying to write a poem again till one gets it right

Crankquil - an adjective that describes majority of crankynoodles' posts which are cool, calm, collected and classy

Dyaggitry - the essence of being the nerdy but Labable dyaggy bee; includes a penchant for anything that flies and aversion to stinky goddesses

Echostrian - what we can call jerichogio if he continues to chronicle the Lab History of Writing by compiling the best and the worst that we all came up with; no horses involved

Kaykadorable - an adjective that describes the little things Kaykay does to make her still labable to the Lab Pussy

Kaykayatry - the philosophy and practice of being the Tiboli President; includes the ability to post off-topic comments but still remain labable; may involve on-and-off feelings of paranoia resulting in occasional Lab self-banishment

Kikomanicks - Kiko's posts depicting nightly and naughty left and right hand calisthenics with his nocturnal partner, Mariang Palad

Kulitics - a mod/member's practice of nonchalantly continuing to post off-topic comments in a thread despite some mod's determination and effort to redirect a thread back to the original topic

Laboteur - a noun indicating someone in the Lab who labotages, err, sabotages a thread by his/her nasty rejoinders; supported by some and loathed by a few; usually forces a mod to close a thread instead of just redirecting back to the original topic

Labdigger - a member or mod who resurrects an interesting thread (either in the CSA or any sub-forum) that is long forgotten; resurrected to amaze, amuse, inform or reform.

Lab pussy - the moderator monicker of the arnivorous arnimal; catty head of the Labable Lab Cats clan

Lab side commie - any member or mod who enters a thread and destroys the flow of that thread by his/her side comments; sometimes clueless, confused or just plain annoying.

Magicnick - an altnick created and used to diffuse a thread bomb that's about to explode

Mooner - the mod who swooned over the kaput Labteams of sb-sushi and kiko-arni

Jesuszifics/Jesuszisms - Jesus Z's witty posts that are scattered all over the Lab; characterized by out-of-the-blue spurts of wit and right timing

Jopolicious - an adjective describing all of the salacious and lascivious poems posted in the Poetry Lab by our very own celebrity, jopoguerrero

Onimated - an adjective that describes oni's hyperactive posts; usually punctuated with XD.

Placebic - an adjective describing short posts of Placeboo to make us feel her presence despite her busy school life and nocturnal hospital sked

Pun-ny pussy - a labable (sometimes unlabable but not labless) Lab Cat who has a penchant for creating Lab puns based on Lab funny, puny and pun-ny creatures; borders on the witty and the silly, but more often than not, the corny.

Pussykal - Lab cat na maangal at mahilig umatungal; kalmot mode on, never off

Stalkeries - series of witty essays written by stalker; includes her Good Guy series in three parts and her Bloody series, now on its fifth part

Stinkymology - the study of categorizing a thread/member by the Lab diyosa and his/her practice of entering a thread and posting the word "dugyot"

Sushiness - a noun pertaining to happiness upon reading sushi's lively, playful and thoughtful posts; devoid of sarcasm and hypocrisy

Tinkify - a verb signalling tink's pursuit of dyagwar; may involve aggressive fondling and constant bickering all over The Lab

Tinkology - the philosophy of the stinky goddess; involves praising the worthy, playing with the witty and dissing the silly

Tupendous - an adjective describing xtopherdelax's energetic grooves and grinds during videoke EBs; may also apply to his uncanny knack for cracking jokes with never-ending punch lines

Winsumness - a noun pertaining to winsum's keen observation of Lab mods and members

Zenterpretation - zenmarcus' amusing and amazing practice of interpreting Labsters' dreams and nightmares

The Labable Lab

I've been living in the US for eleven years now and the year 2008 is so far the best year for me. So many significant events happened last year that I have a hard time picking which of those events is the best. Recently, I've made up my mind and The Labable Lab tops the list.

I've been wary of message boards since 2004 (been banned twice in two other message boards even if I was one of the moderators and a part-owner of one site) so when a certain keith_thanagar dropped by my blog sometime in May of 2008, I was reluctant to visit what we now fondly call The Lab. I almost dismissed the site as one of those new Filipino message boards that display a smorgasbord of lame posts, horrible text spelling and spam messages with product websites and porn links. However, my fingers were itching to engage in a cyber adventure so I checked out the site and registered on June 1, 2008. Didn't really roam around much that day but just posted a link to my blog hoping that someone could stumble on it and leave a comment on how I was doing as a blog writer. Nope. Didn't happen. So off I went to Canada for a much-needed vacation from June 5-12, 2008.

On my birthday, June 10, 2008, I asked permission from my best friend, Desil, if I could use her PC to go online and check my e-mail. She told me that I could use it for as long as I liked so I went online and remembered The Lab. I lurked for a bit and found out that some of the Lab members are from LIRA, a literary society where I was a workshop drop-out. Haha! So that I could get a feel of the different members' personalities, I read a lot of threads first before posting any of my "litter-rary monsterpieces." Intimidation was the first thing that gripped me. Wow, these people can write and are very knowledgeable about literature. And the fact that most of them are very young -- can you say 20s -- is amazing!

Being very careful with what I was writing, I posted in some threads which interested me and tried to interact with some who seem friendly (Kaykay, Beng, Tink, dyagwar, santongbusabos and alambre). I even thought that Karma Policeman owned the site so he was the first person I sent a private message to. Once I realized my mistake, I sent a PM to the Da Fuhrer/shaman, alambre, and befriended him.

I couldn't stop posting in different threads and I thought I was confident in posting in the Poetry Lab of the CSA. Like most assumptions, I was wrong. There was no member, who posted a comment, who liked my poem. Made me think that I was the most horrible poet there. (Somebody please, throw a potato at me. Thank you.) Shamefaced, I didn't set foot again in the Poetry Lab and read a few more threads. With burning cheeks, I checked out the Essay Lab and read all two essays: Tink's "Badessaphobia" and kuadobo's "Subject Required." "Oooh, now I know what I can do. This is where I can do some damage," I gleefully told myself. And the rest is a blazing history of a trade of wits, crits, and quips .

Thoughts on Teaching

I was a teacher for seven years in a Catholic college (which became a coed university in 2005). My years of teaching were very fruitful because I vowed not to imitate the style of the worst teachers I've ever had. My motto was "End stupidity. Be a teacher."

Anyway, when the job to teach was offered to me by my former chairperson, I didn't grab it right there and then. I told her that although I came from the Advertising industry and would use my experience in the major subjects in Mass Communication that I would be teaching, I would like to take some Education units first because I had no idea how to teach.

I guess that's mostly the weakness of college instructors these days. Most of them get offered the job to teach a major subject but they lack the knowledge on how to teach.

Based on my experience with some co-teachers, they lack the following:

1) Teaching Strategies - Being in your field of expertise is not enough to qualify you to teach. If you take Education units (especially a Certificate in Teaching Program which is offered to degree holders), you would know which teaching strategy to use with the freshmen and the seniors. You would know how to be understood by the stupidest in class and still catch the interest of the smartest.

College instructors who are well known for their works in film and literature are sometimes the worst teachers. They are better read than seen and heard.

2) Measurement, Evaluation and Research - This is often the waterloo of those who don't have Education units. Some instructors make up a test the way they want to. Some even give a bonus question like: "What brand of cigarette do I smoke?" Yeah right. Like that would make your students less stupid.

3) Mastery of Filipino and English - Most young teachers I know these days don't have any mastery of either Filipino or English. When they teach, they use Taglish. They also incorporate showbiz words in the classroom in their day-to-day lessons. I'm all for communication being dynamic, but please know which has class and which is crass.

Pinto

Bukas 'yan dati
labas-masok ka pa nga.
Ni walang paalam
kahit na biglaan.
Dala mo kasi ang susi.
Pero nung huli mong pag-alis
iniwan mo ang susi.
Naisipan kong ikandado.
Pero kahit hindi ka kumatok
bakit ka nakapasok?
Aah ...
nagpa-duplicate ka pala.

The The Women of Lab: Interview of arnivorous by alambre

1. Tell us about your lineage.
- I'm an American citizen but I'm still a full-blooded Pinoy. At airports, people think I'm Chinese. Must be because I'm mestizang hilaw.

2. Your vital stats please.
- Is this similar to ASL? Then mine is Alien, Saturn, Lightyears.

3. How was your life like growing up?
- Uber Nerd: always an outcast, always beaten up by big girls in class, always topped academic exams

4. Have you experienced being swooned by a lot of guys?
- Yep, I've had my share of this but the ones who swooned seemed to be the married kind. Sheez.

5. Where's the most unforgettable place you've ever been?
- 17-mile scenic drive in Monterey, California. There's this island that looks like it's covered with white cement. Turns out that the white stuff is just accumulated bird shit.

6. Still any place you haven't been and want to go to?
- I'd love to go Venice, ride a gondola and sing "Like A Virgin" by Madonna.

7. What should a guy do to have your attention(except this interview of course)?
- Just be witty ... and maybe you'll catch me. Unless, I catch you first.

8. Heard any good jokes lately?

From Woody Allen's Without Feathers:
I ran into my brother today at a funeral. We had not seen one another for 15 years, but as usual he produced a pig bladder from his pocket and began hitting me on the head with it. Time has helped me understand him better. I finally realized his remark that I am "some loathsome vermin fit only for extermination" was said more out of compassion than anger. Let's face it: he was always much brighter than me -- wittier, more cultured, better educated. Why he is still working at McDonald's is a mystery.

9. What's one thing people would be surprised to find out about you?
- I may be petite but I own a pair of natural big knockers.

10. Let's stay away a bit from hobbies, what are your sports?
- Past: full-contact Boggle and Textwist, marathon pen-lifting and olympic keyboard-tapping

- Present: working out at the gym three times a week

11. What would you consider as the sexiest part of your body (ahem)?
- Believe it or not, those parts would be my hands and my tongue.

12. How about the most ticklish part of your body?
- Waistline, thighs and knees

13. Not that we Labmen are interested, but what do you wear when you go to sleep?
- During spring and summer: guy's boxer shorts, tank top, no bra

- During fall and winter: Victoria's secret flannel pajamas

14. How do you manage to stay so radiant?
- I try to get enough sleep and go to a spa every now and then if I have extra moolah ... or when I visit the Philippines to splurge.

15. I've been known for this question: have you ever kissed a girl? or gone skinny-dipping?
- Kissed a girl: Yes, but it was only accidental! We ended up blurting out, "Uy, di ako tibo ha?"

- Skinny-dipping: Yes. Just in a jacuzzi if that counts.

16. How do you relax?
- Visit The Lab and post till I get bored ... especially when I'm the only one online.

17. How do you spoil yourself?
- Does the term SERIAL SHOPPER mean anything to you?

18. The best and the worst pick-up line ever used on you?
- The best: I can't think of anything right now.

- The worst: You're so sweet you could give me diabetes or a toothache ... whichever comes first.
19. What's the craziest thing a guy has done to catch your attention?
- Back when I was still crazy chatting in a Singaporean website, a Vietnamese guy got so infatuated with my online charm that he e-mailed me his resume and applied as my boyfriend. I edited his resume, e-mailed it back with a note that he should go back to medical school and charm my socks off when he's finished school.

20. What turns you off?
- Guys who smoke and curse like a Parisian whore
- People who are rude and loud in public

21. If you're an actress which villain would you play?
- That would be Battlestar Galactica's Cylon#6 played by Tricia Helfer. If you've seen that fracking show in the SciFi Channel, you would know her.

22. What is unique about you, the thing that makes you stand out from the rest?
- I'm ARNIVOROUS = Always Raring to Needle Irksome Violent Obtuse Really Obscure Underdeveloped Stupidents.

23.Is there a possibility for us ordinary Labfolks to end up with you (if you're single of course)?
- Only if your nick is kikomaniac.

24. Ever asked a guy out for a date?
- Yes. An online friend and I dated on January 1, 2007. We were both balikbayans celebrating the holidays in the Philippines. He picked me up from a spa in Makati, then we drove to the NAIA and he cancelled his flight to Qatar to be with me. We had a hearty lunch, a sumptuous dinner and good conversation. It was a wholesome EB.

25. What is your problem?
- Telling chinesedictionary, without hurting her feelings, that I'm better than her when it comes to cybersex.

26. Okay, I will not ask you about the men in your life, how about the life in your men?
- They were alive when they met me. I hope they didn't die when I left them. If my laughter could kill, all the men I've dated would've been dead by now. Ahihihi.

27. How do you make dreams come true?
- Just ask the shaman, alambre, to make me a moderator.

28. What's the first thing you look at in a man?
- I don't care about looks. If he smells good and he's witty ... I may consider something more than a roll in the hay.

29. On the other hand, how do you pamper your man?
*changes into a masseuse costume* Powder or lotion, sir?

30. (pang miss universe) What's the best thing about being a woman?

- Woman without her man is nothing.

- Woman, without her man, is nothing.

- Woman, without her, man is nothing.

Notice the lack of commas and placement of the commas? You be the judge.

Ahihihi.