It all started one April morning after finishing college for six years. Applying for a job scared the hell out of me even if I had an excellent transcript to boast of. Besides, I didn't really know what I wanted out of life. No, that's not right. I knew what I wanted. The problem was I wanted to be everything -- a copywriter, a news correspondent, a scriptwriter, a production manager, an editor and a researcher. But the bigger problem was deciding which of those positions I wanted very much. So, to keep myself from thinking about my future for a while (like maybe a hundred years or something ), I thought I'd write a book. Ha-ha! That's right. It's an absolute scream! I mean, I couldn't even finish a crappy story!
But then from out of the blue, it struck me! (Didn't leave any bruises, thanks a lot.) Books don't necessarily have to be a story or a novel for that matter. So, why not do a compilation? Yep, that's right. A compilation of the "best" and the "worst" I've written. This will keep me busy. It would also be something to show off to my children and grandchildren in the future. Something they'd laugh about after seeing re-runs of old home movies (as if I own a video camera right now. )
Oh to hell with what people would say. I am going to do this. For some laughs. A few guffaws. A little diversion.
So I plunge ...
Thanks a heap to the following (even if they'd never be able to read this):
DESIGN 5 a.k.a Architect What, for without him, I would have had no one to practice my talents with. All those with dirty minds, go dunk yourselves in a pail!
ELIZABETH PEREZ a.k.a Babeth P. in shorts and THE AGENT from Bulacan, for keeping the creative juices flowing and intact during the years when we still met eye-to-eye.
SO-SO GRADES and PLUTO of the execrable THE GEEK TRIUMVIRATE (me being ARNIstotle to complete the trio), for the outrageous letters and the "dream-on meetings of the mind."
SEAWEEDS, DORKY and MADER DIR for believing in me (Suckers!) and encouraging my poetic tendencies. (Aaaaaaaargh!)
The star-struck MS. (S)CAREY, for bringing out the best (and the worst?) in me.
and of course ...
JINGLE MAGAZINE (the chord book) for being there when the dreaded epidemic comes to visit.
Friday, March 03, 2006
The Single Woman and The Insensitive Cretins
"When are you gonna get married?"
"Whack! Pow! Splat! Bang!"
That second line should be the response to the bomb question that falls on every unsuspecting single woman. Every time an insensitive cretin drops the question innocently, the single woman should automatically execute any of the following:
a. hit the cretin with a microphone (a la Divina Valencia)
b. punch the cretin on the nose the Batman way
c. throw a pie aimed at the cretin's face
d. shoot the cretin's private organs and mouth "I'll be back!" with glee.
Sounds violent? Blame it on watching too many violent movies like Pulp Fiction and Natural Born Killers. Calling the attention of Oliver Stone and Quentin Tarantino! Can you help?
Hard to do? May be. You need to guest in a tacky showbiz talk show first to re-enact that microphone bashing episode of Rumors, Facts, and Humor years ago. You have to watch Batman re-runs (starring Adam West) for lessons in punching cretins such as the Penguin's henchmen. You have to buy a pie crust and lots of whipped cream. You need to get a license for the gun that you're going to use. And you need to practice saying "I'll be back" the way Arnold S. delivered it on the big screen.
Tough to do? If it's any consolation, those vile and violent acts are just part of a fantasy. A fantasy every single woman can resort to in order not to:
a. develop an inferiority complex worse than an ostrich's
b. murder someone the way Kevin Spacey did in Seven
c. confine herself to the psychiatric ward for the criminally insane.
Let's face it. Some people can really be cruel. They revel at the idea of watching a single woman cringe, feel uneasy, and break down in front of their eyes. They realize that the marriage question makes a single girl feel like a freak especially if all her classmates in high school and in college have gotten hitched. Or if her sister has met her Prince Charming and the single woman has not even met her Frog. Or if all her gay friends have gone to San Francisco to be declared domestic partners. And yet these insensitive cretins still ask that question.
What could possibly be their reasons? These?
a. They're plain cruel.
b. They themselves have no partners in life. By asking the marriage question, they transfer their feelings of freakhood to the single woman and gain instant but temporary superiority.
c. They're all social scientists doing an experiment on the single woman's pain threshold.
d. They're all part of the production staff of defunct shows like Wow Mali or TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes or maybe Victim and Punked.
e. They're old ladies who are all friends of the single woman's mother.
f. They're unfeeling istupidents who want to get back at their single female teachers who gave them a very easy pop quiz.
Well, are you the single woman? Or one of the insensitive cretins?
"Whack! Pow! Splat! Bang!"
That second line should be the response to the bomb question that falls on every unsuspecting single woman. Every time an insensitive cretin drops the question innocently, the single woman should automatically execute any of the following:
a. hit the cretin with a microphone (a la Divina Valencia)
b. punch the cretin on the nose the Batman way
c. throw a pie aimed at the cretin's face
d. shoot the cretin's private organs and mouth "I'll be back!" with glee.
Sounds violent? Blame it on watching too many violent movies like Pulp Fiction and Natural Born Killers. Calling the attention of Oliver Stone and Quentin Tarantino! Can you help?
Hard to do? May be. You need to guest in a tacky showbiz talk show first to re-enact that microphone bashing episode of Rumors, Facts, and Humor years ago. You have to watch Batman re-runs (starring Adam West) for lessons in punching cretins such as the Penguin's henchmen. You have to buy a pie crust and lots of whipped cream. You need to get a license for the gun that you're going to use. And you need to practice saying "I'll be back" the way Arnold S. delivered it on the big screen.
Tough to do? If it's any consolation, those vile and violent acts are just part of a fantasy. A fantasy every single woman can resort to in order not to:
a. develop an inferiority complex worse than an ostrich's
b. murder someone the way Kevin Spacey did in Seven
c. confine herself to the psychiatric ward for the criminally insane.
Let's face it. Some people can really be cruel. They revel at the idea of watching a single woman cringe, feel uneasy, and break down in front of their eyes. They realize that the marriage question makes a single girl feel like a freak especially if all her classmates in high school and in college have gotten hitched. Or if her sister has met her Prince Charming and the single woman has not even met her Frog. Or if all her gay friends have gone to San Francisco to be declared domestic partners. And yet these insensitive cretins still ask that question.
What could possibly be their reasons? These?
a. They're plain cruel.
b. They themselves have no partners in life. By asking the marriage question, they transfer their feelings of freakhood to the single woman and gain instant but temporary superiority.
c. They're all social scientists doing an experiment on the single woman's pain threshold.
d. They're all part of the production staff of defunct shows like Wow Mali or TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes or maybe Victim and Punked.
e. They're old ladies who are all friends of the single woman's mother.
f. They're unfeeling istupidents who want to get back at their single female teachers who gave them a very easy pop quiz.
Well, are you the single woman? Or one of the insensitive cretins?
Crabby Doors
It was just one of those slow nights. Nothing exciting, nothing novel. No needle to prick her aorta nor a tap for some knee-jerk reaction. A head spin would be fun but a spin doctor was nowhere to be found. Bored to kingdom come, she tried opening doors one by one trying to check if there’s a fat, maybe even malnourished chance, that life exists.
Door #1 had crabs in a huddle. Political battle was their tea of kettle.
Door #2 showed school crabs running around without any crustacean marm to bring order to disorder.
Door #3 revealed lovers exchanging a plethora of woes that she’d like to hose.
Door#4 exposed crabs in dishevel, a misplaced navel, an erotic novel, and a piece of shovel.
Door #5 portrayed working class crabs exchanging jobs and dodging jabs.
But as she glided lazily towards Door #6, it suddenly opened and a shadow became alive. It had the eyes of a snake fresh from a quiet storm…and it made her feel really warm.
Pardon me for being silly. I’ve just had a bowl of chili. Burp. Ahihihi.
Door #1 had crabs in a huddle. Political battle was their tea of kettle.
Door #2 showed school crabs running around without any crustacean marm to bring order to disorder.
Door #3 revealed lovers exchanging a plethora of woes that she’d like to hose.
Door#4 exposed crabs in dishevel, a misplaced navel, an erotic novel, and a piece of shovel.
Door #5 portrayed working class crabs exchanging jobs and dodging jabs.
But as she glided lazily towards Door #6, it suddenly opened and a shadow became alive. It had the eyes of a snake fresh from a quiet storm…and it made her feel really warm.
Pardon me for being silly. I’ve just had a bowl of chili. Burp. Ahihihi.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Para sa iyo ... alam mo kung sino ka
Huli ko nang mabasa
E-mail mong padala
At nang aking "buklatin"
Paligid ay nagdilim.
Tumulo ang mga luha pati ang sipon
Biglang naalalala ang dating kahapon
Sumikip ang dibdib at hindi makahinga
Kumuha ng tissue at biglang suminga.
Sumagot sa e-mail nang napakaikli
Pinindot ang send button at napangiti
Bahala si Batman kung ano ang mangyayari
Sigurado ako na walang paring isasali.
E-mail mong padala
At nang aking "buklatin"
Paligid ay nagdilim.
Tumulo ang mga luha pati ang sipon
Biglang naalalala ang dating kahapon
Sumikip ang dibdib at hindi makahinga
Kumuha ng tissue at biglang suminga.
Sumagot sa e-mail nang napakaikli
Pinindot ang send button at napangiti
Bahala si Batman kung ano ang mangyayari
Sigurado ako na walang paring isasali.
Araw ng mga PUSA(kal)
Aba, ngayon pala ay Araw ng mga Puso
Inaway ko na naman, kakuskusan ng nguso
Siguro ay dahil may PMS na naman ako
O talaga lang yata na sadista raw ako.
Bakit ba kailangang may pakner parati
Kapag dumating ang ika-14 ng February?
Mukhang kawawa tuloy pag ikaw ay single
Walang magawa kundi maglaro ng tinggel.
Makaalis na nga at baka kung ano pa
Ang mai-post ko na biglang ikanganga
Ng mga natutuwa at mga naiinis sa akin
Diyan na kayo at tawag ako ng pamangkin.
P.S.
Hindi na po bago at matagal nang isinulat
Nai-post ko lamang nang aking mabuklat.
Inaway ko na naman, kakuskusan ng nguso
Siguro ay dahil may PMS na naman ako
O talaga lang yata na sadista raw ako.
Bakit ba kailangang may pakner parati
Kapag dumating ang ika-14 ng February?
Mukhang kawawa tuloy pag ikaw ay single
Walang magawa kundi maglaro ng tinggel.
Makaalis na nga at baka kung ano pa
Ang mai-post ko na biglang ikanganga
Ng mga natutuwa at mga naiinis sa akin
Diyan na kayo at tawag ako ng pamangkin.
P.S.
Hindi na po bago at matagal nang isinulat
Nai-post ko lamang nang aking mabuklat.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
What I Learned from MTC:
1) MP = acronym meaning massage parlor; a place where single, married, separated and divorced males pay for a massage or satisfy a carnal need
2) popoy = the date between a penis and a vagina usually at a place known as "biglang liko"
3) livewire = to screw a "pro" without using a condom; anyone stupid to do this risks contracting STDs
4) FR = acronym meaning field report; any member's post (including grammatical horrors) recounting a sexual encounter that horny members will hail
5) bangenge = drunk; what some MTC members turn into after a night out with other members
Anything you want to add to my MTC vocabulary, doc? Ahihihi.
2) popoy = the date between a penis and a vagina usually at a place known as "biglang liko"
3) livewire = to screw a "pro" without using a condom; anyone stupid to do this risks contracting STDs
4) FR = acronym meaning field report; any member's post (including grammatical horrors) recounting a sexual encounter that horny members will hail
5) bangenge = drunk; what some MTC members turn into after a night out with other members
Anything you want to add to my MTC vocabulary, doc? Ahihihi.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Disarming My Mentor
by Julianne Sto. Tomas
There are thoughts to ponder and places to see but my words deliver English lines in French. So, for days I kept my mouth shut never to disturb any blessed soul -- or cursed, for that matter.
After a few year’s time, I got smitten by a gidget. She told me things that transpired only in unusual black and white dreams. Thus, I declared myself once again a Child of God -- always and forever. We have attitudes that cause a common commotion. We both love writing, plus a humor that caspers through the funny bones of Webster.
When people praise a saint, I dare keep a cold war in an armory of cold shoulders. This time, I choose to let my wings down -- in order to see and hear what she has to say.
The fact that she’s a character creates the impression that her brain is multi-faceted. Like a clown, she laughs though in tears (read: Ahihihi). She’s emotionally-challenged but she tries hard to snap out of the rut. It’s enough that she has devoted seven years of her life to young collegialas in women’s bodies and transient boys who pop out of nowhere … like me.
It’s a cliché but I find myself identifying with her and responding like we share a similar milestone. Life’s a joke and it ain’t a funny one. Now she will go ahead and float in the sea of the Melting Pot. I hope she ventures well into another chapter of living life.
I guess, I’m just on the verge of creating the third volume of my saga -- and I grow in it. I want her to rediscover me again and again. She disarmed me with her praises and encouragement on the second volume of my book.
She may not be as influential as my Mom, but I do believe she was a mother-teacher in more ways than one. I’m not pulling her leg, but I sure am holding her arms.
Ma’am Arni, you are disarmed now -- with your mass media know-how and all -- because I have received your messages.
Don’t stop loving life. I hated it but you unconsciously helped me appreciate it -- for what I can do for myself and others.
Our characters are full of truth, but our stories are written in lies.
*This was written by one of my students in the Philippines before I moved to the US for good.
There are thoughts to ponder and places to see but my words deliver English lines in French. So, for days I kept my mouth shut never to disturb any blessed soul -- or cursed, for that matter.
After a few year’s time, I got smitten by a gidget. She told me things that transpired only in unusual black and white dreams. Thus, I declared myself once again a Child of God -- always and forever. We have attitudes that cause a common commotion. We both love writing, plus a humor that caspers through the funny bones of Webster.
When people praise a saint, I dare keep a cold war in an armory of cold shoulders. This time, I choose to let my wings down -- in order to see and hear what she has to say.
The fact that she’s a character creates the impression that her brain is multi-faceted. Like a clown, she laughs though in tears (read: Ahihihi). She’s emotionally-challenged but she tries hard to snap out of the rut. It’s enough that she has devoted seven years of her life to young collegialas in women’s bodies and transient boys who pop out of nowhere … like me.
It’s a cliché but I find myself identifying with her and responding like we share a similar milestone. Life’s a joke and it ain’t a funny one. Now she will go ahead and float in the sea of the Melting Pot. I hope she ventures well into another chapter of living life.
I guess, I’m just on the verge of creating the third volume of my saga -- and I grow in it. I want her to rediscover me again and again. She disarmed me with her praises and encouragement on the second volume of my book.
She may not be as influential as my Mom, but I do believe she was a mother-teacher in more ways than one. I’m not pulling her leg, but I sure am holding her arms.
Ma’am Arni, you are disarmed now -- with your mass media know-how and all -- because I have received your messages.
Don’t stop loving life. I hated it but you unconsciously helped me appreciate it -- for what I can do for myself and others.
Our characters are full of truth, but our stories are written in lies.
*This was written by one of my students in the Philippines before I moved to the US for good.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
X Marks The Spot
A bout with bronchitis for a week made me check out this MTC
Being imprisoned by germs in my room, I’m glad I am now free
Cruising through different horny threads was fun for a while
Dropping by and staying in your room makes me wanna smile.
Every lengthy post you leave makes coming here worth it
Finding posts for verbal joust, sometimes stumbling into shit
Go signal flag is waving frantically to race on full steam
High I think I really am and in just a Sandman’s dream.
I think I’ll hang out for a while or till I wear out my keyboard
Just give me a nudge some time if you are becoming bored
Key to maintaining a following is to have the guts to be original
Letting loose lascivious lines work as long as they’re grammatical.
Minding one’s grammar isn’t elitist if you want to be understood
Numbskulls though would think that we are just in a dissing mood
Oh, look X, I’m almost done with my new ABC story
Pardon me if I ramble for a while or post “ahihihi.”
Quiet has been my pre-Christmas week and am still all alone
Rico Puerto went my family and left me on my own
So what can I do but bug you by almost flooding your thread
Tossing and turning never work when I’m alone in my bed.
Until when can we keep this up, Mr. Grammar Policeman?
Various members have posted that you really are The Man.
Way to go that you’ve been able to stimulate me mentally
X-rated versions coming soon or maybe just annually?
Yo friend, one more line to complete this ABC story rhyme
Zizzling posts in the future but now will just bide my time.
Ahihihi.
This was written for someone whose "grammatical thread" from manilatonight.com caught my eye.
Being imprisoned by germs in my room, I’m glad I am now free
Cruising through different horny threads was fun for a while
Dropping by and staying in your room makes me wanna smile.
Every lengthy post you leave makes coming here worth it
Finding posts for verbal joust, sometimes stumbling into shit
Go signal flag is waving frantically to race on full steam
High I think I really am and in just a Sandman’s dream.
I think I’ll hang out for a while or till I wear out my keyboard
Just give me a nudge some time if you are becoming bored
Key to maintaining a following is to have the guts to be original
Letting loose lascivious lines work as long as they’re grammatical.
Minding one’s grammar isn’t elitist if you want to be understood
Numbskulls though would think that we are just in a dissing mood
Oh, look X, I’m almost done with my new ABC story
Pardon me if I ramble for a while or post “ahihihi.”
Quiet has been my pre-Christmas week and am still all alone
Rico Puerto went my family and left me on my own
So what can I do but bug you by almost flooding your thread
Tossing and turning never work when I’m alone in my bed.
Until when can we keep this up, Mr. Grammar Policeman?
Various members have posted that you really are The Man.
Way to go that you’ve been able to stimulate me mentally
X-rated versions coming soon or maybe just annually?
Yo friend, one more line to complete this ABC story rhyme
Zizzling posts in the future but now will just bide my time.
Ahihihi.
This was written for someone whose "grammatical thread" from manilatonight.com caught my eye.
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