The Single Woman and The Insensitive Cretins

"When are you gonna get married?"

"Whack! Pow! Splat! Bang!"

That second line should be the response to the bomb question that falls on every unsuspecting single woman. Every time an insensitive cretin drops the question innocently, the single woman should automatically execute any of the following:

a. hit the cretin with a microphone (a la Divina Valencia)
b. punch the cretin on the nose the Batman way
c. throw a pie aimed at the cretin's face
d. shoot the cretin's private organs and mouth "I'll be back!" with glee.

Sounds violent? Blame it on watching too many violent movies like Pulp Fiction and Natural Born Killers. Calling the attention of Oliver Stone and Quentin Tarantino! Can you help?

Hard to do? May be. You need to guest in a tacky showbiz talk show first to re-enact that microphone bashing episode of Rumors, Facts, and Humor years ago. You have to watch Batman re-runs (starring Adam West) for lessons in punching cretins such as the Penguin's henchmen. You have to buy a pie crust and lots of whipped cream. You need to get a license for the gun that you're going to use. And you need to practice saying "I'll be back" the way Arnold S. delivered it on the big screen.

Tough to do? If it's any consolation, those vile and violent acts are just part of a fantasy. A fantasy every single woman can resort to in order not to:

a. develop an inferiority complex worse than an ostrich's
b. murder someone the way Kevin Spacey did in Seven
c. confine herself to the psychiatric ward for the criminally insane.

Let's face it. Some people can really be cruel. They revel at the idea of watching a single woman cringe, feel uneasy, and break down in front of their eyes. They realize that the marriage question makes a single girl feel like a freak especially if all her classmates in high school and in college have gotten hitched. Or if her sister has met her Prince Charming and the single woman has not even met her Frog. Or if all her gay friends have gone to San Francisco to be declared domestic partners. And yet these insensitive cretins still ask that question.

What could possibly be their reasons? These?

a. They're plain cruel.
b. They themselves have no partners in life. By asking the marriage question, they transfer their feelings of freakhood to the single woman and gain instant but temporary superiority.
c. They're all social scientists doing an experiment on the single woman's pain threshold.
d. They're all part of the production staff of defunct shows like Wow Mali or TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes or maybe Victim and Punked.
e. They're old ladies who are all friends of the single woman's mother.
f. They're unfeeling istupidents who want to get back at their single female teachers who gave them a very easy pop quiz.

Well, are you the single woman? Or one of the insensitive cretins?