Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 10

1) Witty is the funny that makes people post more than a smiley. It invites a biting repartee, but a play of words is better. Sadly, the clueless will never get the witty. Now that ruins the funny.


2) Someone mentioned that there's a difference between wordplay and a play of words. He didn't elaborate though. He always made me want to research, but not on an EMPTY TUMMY because I won't EAT MY WORDS.


3) You may think I'm bitter, but I'm really just testing your tolerance for annoyance.


4) The next time someone addresses you in a condescending manner, slowly tell that person: "Talk to the wrist. The fist is pissed."


5) Have you heard of the new drink in town? It's called the LAARTINI. It's a PUNCH that has a KICK. Just one sip will make you correct people's grammar in any social event. If you finish a glass, you're guaranteed to get PUNCHed and KICKed out of any party. Want a sip? It's on me. Ahihihi.

Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 9 (The TV Show Issue)

1) Being in "bedroom arrest" makes me do stuff to keep boredom at bay: watching “Hoarders”, “Intervention” and “Paranormal Fakes or Facts”, playing cell phone games, staring into space, and going back to sleep. It's hard to be a couch potato. I should rock the boat and be a bed tomato instead. Yes, I know. My mixed metaphors suck.

2) Ten days after the surgery and I'm feeling much better. The pain medication still makes me drowsy so I can't really watch any kind of movie. I can only tolerate 30-minute sitcoms or watch semi-stupid reality shows till I feel like puking. My head hurts more than my tummy. So if you want to aid in my recovery, stop reposting positive thoughts with grammatical errors. Naman eh.

3) Being temporarily disabled due to my recent surgery makes me drawn to tabloid news and reality shows. Ramona Bautista, please go back to Pinas! Cable TV, please stop airing marathons of "Tough Love in Miami." I need to read more books by Sedaris and Palahniuk but after remembering what one of my bosses said (Watching reality shows makes me feel intelligent!), I'm inclined to take the reality plunge with a bag on my head.

4) It's Saturday Night. I should be out and living the life but noooo! I'm glued to VH1’s "Champions of Cute." Lots of cute viral videos: baby doing the salsa, cat modeling a fedora hat with Mommy Pussy about to give him a paw smack, and the penitent and honest dog voluntarily going to a kennel for a time-out after his owner found out he (the dog) ate all the doggy treats. Sooo adorable and I'm … go figure.

5) 544 employees will be attending our company Christmas party at our hotel tonight. I am not one of the 544 people who are going to this holiday shindig. Uh, it's Thursday night. "The Big Bang Theory" is on at 8pm. Yes, I'm aDORKable.

BioNotes for Lab Peeps

In one link posted by Mark Angeles and Lolito Go (two of my favorite contemporary poets), the website required writers to submit a write-up that does not bore the readers with a list of the writers’ achievements. Lolito came up with a bionote for someone and I followed suit. I couldn’t stop creating one and ended up with the following using the vernacular:

Colleen Kay Sanceda (moonchild): Mas sexy kay Darna. Mahilig maligo sa balon at di gumagamit ng conditioner. Seryoso kapag tulog.

Michael Arsolon (supermikong): Scientist na nagpapanggap na manunula. Fan ni Ron Jeremy. Bihasa sa lengguwahe ng mga elyen.

Francis Montesena (Manong Ninong): Matakaw sa kare-kare. Malimit mapagkamalang suplado. Pakipot pag nililigawan online ni Arnivorous.

Mark Angeles (Makoy Dacuycoy): Mahilig sa beef. Malabo ang mga mata. Masakit parati ang likod.

Lolito Go (bum): Mahilig magharana gamit ang cellphone. Dating gwapo pero nagpagupit para hindi maging kamukha ni Robin Padilla. Emo.

Harry Fiesta (Dyosa): Mas gwapo pag may lipstick sa nipples. Mataray kumatay. Maramdamin kapag bilog ang buwan.

Jennette Bongo (Phoebe): Patula-tula pag tulala. Nage-exercise pag nananaba. Pa-emcee-emcee o DJ pag walang magawa.

Michael Ian Lomongo (xn3ct): Masamang malasing at gumigiling. Mas gwapong di hamak kay Manny Pacquiao. Hindi halatang magaling mag-English.

Faustino Bunao (oni): Nagpapanggap na sabog. Mahilig bumarkada sa naglalako ng fishball. Malaki ang takot sa nanay niya at sa humahabol na asong ulol.

Raywollessen Fortes: (dyagwar): Napalipad niya lahat ang iba’t ibang uri ng eroplanong papel. Reincarnation n Major Dick Winters ng "Band of Brothers." Pussy (cat) lover.

Walrus Mucho Plaza (walrus): Mukhang walang asawa dahil totoy na totoy ang itsura. Madaling mapatawa pero hindi mababaw. Nagkukunwaring hindi kilala si Maria Ozawa.

Ronald Alisbo (jesusz): Sanay mag-costume na naka-straight jacket (leather pa yun!). Religious pag wala sa wisyo. Babysitter ng unico hijo niya.

Vener Santos (bungagerang_lola): Mas lalong naging macho nung magpagupit. Machonurin sa GF. Naghihintay pa ring maka-jamming si Matanglawin.

Randel Urbano (Randel): Palangiti para maipakita ang kanyang Close Up smile. Magaling makisama kahit walang imported chocolates na suhol. Hindi mapapaamin na mas cute siya kay Dyosang Tink.

Gen Carriedo (purple): Mahilig pumatay ng tao sa imahinasyon pag may tangang katabi. Hindi halatang mabait. Kayang kumain ng isang galong ice cream nang hindi tumataba.

Danilo Nino Calalang (xtopherdelux): Nagpapanggap na makamasa kahit elitista. May multiple personalities. Gahaman sa Reese's chocolates.

Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 8

1) Enjoy umutot kapag nag-iisa. Pero mas enjoy pag may kasama nang sabay kayong tatawa.

2) Parang puwet ko'y naiiwan kapag naglalakad sa daan. Wag po n’yong pagtawanan kung ayaw ng kalmutan.

3) Huwag akong tinatanong kung bakit wala pang asawa. Ide-delete kita.

4) Ikaw ba'y napapangiwi, pag may iba akong nilalandi? Neknek mo.

5) Kapag nalaman kong girlfriend mo na ako, aba'y break na tayo.

6) You're cheesy and I'm lactose-intolerant. We'll never ever go out on a date.

7) One saying goes, "Men seldom make passes to girls who wear glasses." I say, "Men lose their senses to girls who wear lenses."

8) Do not claim to mesmerize if you do not deodorize.

9) What we post on our walls defines us: religious, funny, or plain ass.

10) At my nephew's wedding yesterday at Casa Real Ruby Hill Winery in Pleasanton, five people asked me to dance. My reply was the same every time: "I'm sorry I don't dance, but I'll write about it so you'll enjoy me more as a partner." Dancing was a traumatic experience for me. Writing funny is my therapy.

Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 7

1) Magpasaya ng iba para mas maging masaya ka.

2) Huwag mo akong babatukan kung ayaw mo ng suntukan.

3) Ang tunay na kaibigan ay nanlilibre, hindi parating nagpapalibre.

4) Ahem. Ang mga girlfriends ay pagsabihan. Huwag akong pagselosan.

5) Ayoko ng BF na guwapo kasi selosa ako.

6) Huwag magreklamo kung di ka naman bumoto.

7) Mas mainam mangulit kesa manglait.

8) Masakit manakit kahit hindi pangit.

9) Huwag kang nanghihingi para magbigay ako. Nakaka-turn off eh. Lalo na pag pasalubong galing Tate. Hindi naman ako nangingitlog ng dolyar dito. Oo, joke lang sabi mo pero nakaka-turn off ang ganyang biro. Gusto ko lang malaman mo.

10) “Naiintindihan naman kita pero sana maintindihan mo rin ako.” Hindi ko maintindihan yan. Parang pa-guilty effect iyang mga linyang yan para magawa ng gustong magpaintindi sa ‘yo nang maintindihan mo. Naintindihan mo?

Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 6

1) Uh, how do you save face once you’ve realized that you sent a break-up text to the wrong guy?

2) Perfect Excuse to Turn Down a Date: I don't think I'm your type. I'm not inflatable.

3) When I become thin, I'm ready for sin.

4) If playing word games could make me lose weight, I'd be sexy everyday.

5) Sarcasm is lost to the clueless.

6) What may be offensive to John may not be offensive to Juan.

7) Uh, did someone in California feel the earthquake? Or was that just our neighbors engaging in bedroom gymnastics?

8) Yes, I know it’s Cinco De Mayo, but yo no quiero taco.

9) Note to self: Catch people off guard by smiling at those who never bothered to smile at me. Wink and walk away.

10) Pssst! Made you read. Ahihihi.

Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 5

1) Sometimes I don’t want to “intellectualize” for fear of losing my empathy. A desensitized me is nothing but eyes with blank stares, ears that hear but do not listen, hands that stay limp and refuse to move.

2) For some, writing is their bread and butter. For me, writing can’t even be my milk and cookies. Though I love to write, I can’t write when someone tells me what to write. My mind instantly turns into a white board with a marker nervously waiting in the wings. I always get this weird feeling that my work won’t turn out right. That I would fail to convey exactly what needs to be conveyed.

3) If you teach English, practice what you preach. Capitalize the first letter in a stat update, unless your name is the start of your sentence. Refrain from using jejemon and text spelling. Check your punctuations. Watch your grammar. Just a friendly reminder, my friends.

4) Pet Peeve of the Day: Scrolling through news feeds and reading stat updates displaying the abuse and misuse of the misunderstood ellipsis. An ellipsis is not equal to three periods controlling themselves from screaming. An ellipsis is not even a period with two clones. Neither is it a substitute for a period or a comma. Review your punctuations, please!

5) I’m so glad that I’m no longer an English teacher because I cringe every time I read “super agree” and “very like.” Naman. Naman.

Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 4

1) No matter what online forum, message board or Facebook page I find myself active in, I always end up having enemies. That’s the reason why I’m the Arnivorous Arnimal. Meowr!

2) Just because you don’t know the meaning of “Maundy Thursday” doesn’t mean that the term does not exist. It also doesn’t mean you’re right. Your imagined brilliance is proof of your ignorance.

3) Your favorite show is “Wowowee” and you still have no clue why we’re not a couple. I give up.

4) Your being a UP alumnus does not impress me at all. Sadly, you don’t know the use of the past perfect tense. Yeah, just try and bite me.

5) If I click on your profile, I hope I can read something worthwhile. One time, I accidentally clicked on it and found out … man, it’s worth shit.

6) TROLLIAN LANGUAGE: a body of words/non-words and the system for their use common to the trolls who are of the same Trollian community. It is characterized by horrendous grammar and terrible spelling. This language is practiced by trolls who are infamous for their constant whinings, nonsensical arguments, lack of wit and a penchant for popping up with ho-hum profile fake names.

7) MANTRA FOR THE DAY: Don’t feed the trolls. Like gremlins, they multiple and turn ugly. They’re not worth shit. It would be insulting to the shit. Repeat 10x or as many as you like without giving The Finger.

8) ARNIVOROUS ADVISORY: Please be advised that there will be no intrusive BART Train Moments scrolling through your news feeds. Also, alliteration addicts will have to contain their addiction to the seduction of sequential syllables starting with the same sound. Yours truly will be watching the Maroon 5 concert tonight. Whoohoo!

9) Psst! Made you look.

10) Arnivorous Arnimal almost always amuses. Another alliteration? Amazing! Ahahaha! Annoying! Ahihihi.