In one link posted by Mark Angeles and Lolito Go (two of my favorite contemporary poets), the website required writers to submit a write-up that does not bore the readers with a list of the writers’ achievements. Lolito came up with a bionote for someone and I followed suit. I couldn’t stop creating one and ended up with the following using the vernacular:
Colleen Kay Sanceda (moonchild): Mas sexy kay Darna. Mahilig maligo sa balon at di gumagamit ng conditioner. Seryoso kapag tulog.
Michael Arsolon (supermikong): Scientist na nagpapanggap na manunula. Fan ni Ron Jeremy. Bihasa sa lengguwahe ng mga elyen.
Francis Montesena (Manong Ninong): Matakaw sa kare-kare. Malimit mapagkamalang suplado. Pakipot pag nililigawan online ni Arnivorous.
Mark Angeles (Makoy Dacuycoy): Mahilig sa beef. Malabo ang mga mata. Masakit parati ang likod.
Lolito Go (bum): Mahilig magharana gamit ang cellphone. Dating gwapo pero nagpagupit para hindi maging kamukha ni Robin Padilla. Emo.
Harry Fiesta (Dyosa): Mas gwapo pag may lipstick sa nipples. Mataray kumatay. Maramdamin kapag bilog ang buwan.
Jennette Bongo (Phoebe): Patula-tula pag tulala. Nage-exercise pag nananaba. Pa-emcee-emcee o DJ pag walang magawa.
Michael Ian Lomongo (xn3ct): Masamang malasing at gumigiling. Mas gwapong di hamak kay Manny Pacquiao. Hindi halatang magaling mag-English.
Faustino Bunao (oni): Nagpapanggap na sabog. Mahilig bumarkada sa naglalako ng fishball. Malaki ang takot sa nanay niya at sa humahabol na asong ulol.
Raywollessen Fortes: (dyagwar): Napalipad niya lahat ang iba’t ibang uri ng eroplanong papel. Reincarnation n Major Dick Winters ng "Band of Brothers." Pussy (cat) lover.
Walrus Mucho Plaza (walrus): Mukhang walang asawa dahil totoy na totoy ang itsura. Madaling mapatawa pero hindi mababaw. Nagkukunwaring hindi kilala si Maria Ozawa.
Ronald Alisbo (jesusz): Sanay mag-costume na naka-straight jacket (leather pa yun!). Religious pag wala sa wisyo. Babysitter ng unico hijo niya.
Vener Santos (bungagerang_lola): Mas lalong naging macho nung magpagupit. Machonurin sa GF. Naghihintay pa ring maka-jamming si Matanglawin.
Randel Urbano (Randel): Palangiti para maipakita ang kanyang Close Up smile. Magaling makisama kahit walang imported chocolates na suhol. Hindi mapapaamin na mas cute siya kay Dyosang Tink.
Gen Carriedo (purple): Mahilig pumatay ng tao sa imahinasyon pag may tangang katabi. Hindi halatang mabait. Kayang kumain ng isang galong ice cream nang hindi tumataba.
Danilo Nino Calalang (xtopherdelux): Nagpapanggap na makamasa kahit elitista. May multiple personalities. Gahaman sa Reese's chocolates.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 8
1) Enjoy umutot kapag nag-iisa. Pero mas enjoy pag may kasama nang sabay kayong tatawa.
2) Parang puwet ko'y naiiwan kapag naglalakad sa daan. Wag po n’yong pagtawanan kung ayaw ng kalmutan.
3) Huwag akong tinatanong kung bakit wala pang asawa. Ide-delete kita.
4) Ikaw ba'y napapangiwi, pag may iba akong nilalandi? Neknek mo.
5) Kapag nalaman kong girlfriend mo na ako, aba'y break na tayo.
6) You're cheesy and I'm lactose-intolerant. We'll never ever go out on a date.
7) One saying goes, "Men seldom make passes to girls who wear glasses." I say, "Men lose their senses to girls who wear lenses."
8) Do not claim to mesmerize if you do not deodorize.
9) What we post on our walls defines us: religious, funny, or plain ass.
10) At my nephew's wedding yesterday at Casa Real Ruby Hill Winery in Pleasanton, five people asked me to dance. My reply was the same every time: "I'm sorry I don't dance, but I'll write about it so you'll enjoy me more as a partner." Dancing was a traumatic experience for me. Writing funny is my therapy.
2) Parang puwet ko'y naiiwan kapag naglalakad sa daan. Wag po n’yong pagtawanan kung ayaw ng kalmutan.
3) Huwag akong tinatanong kung bakit wala pang asawa. Ide-delete kita.
4) Ikaw ba'y napapangiwi, pag may iba akong nilalandi? Neknek mo.
5) Kapag nalaman kong girlfriend mo na ako, aba'y break na tayo.
6) You're cheesy and I'm lactose-intolerant. We'll never ever go out on a date.
7) One saying goes, "Men seldom make passes to girls who wear glasses." I say, "Men lose their senses to girls who wear lenses."
8) Do not claim to mesmerize if you do not deodorize.
9) What we post on our walls defines us: religious, funny, or plain ass.
10) At my nephew's wedding yesterday at Casa Real Ruby Hill Winery in Pleasanton, five people asked me to dance. My reply was the same every time: "I'm sorry I don't dance, but I'll write about it so you'll enjoy me more as a partner." Dancing was a traumatic experience for me. Writing funny is my therapy.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 7
1) Magpasaya ng iba para mas maging masaya ka.
2) Huwag mo akong babatukan kung ayaw mo ng suntukan.
3) Ang tunay na kaibigan ay nanlilibre, hindi parating nagpapalibre.
4) Ahem. Ang mga girlfriends ay pagsabihan. Huwag akong pagselosan.
5) Ayoko ng BF na guwapo kasi selosa ako.
6) Huwag magreklamo kung di ka naman bumoto.
7) Mas mainam mangulit kesa manglait.
8) Masakit manakit kahit hindi pangit.
9) Huwag kang nanghihingi para magbigay ako. Nakaka-turn off eh. Lalo na pag pasalubong galing Tate. Hindi naman ako nangingitlog ng dolyar dito. Oo, joke lang sabi mo pero nakaka-turn off ang ganyang biro. Gusto ko lang malaman mo.
10) “Naiintindihan naman kita pero sana maintindihan mo rin ako.” Hindi ko maintindihan yan. Parang pa-guilty effect iyang mga linyang yan para magawa ng gustong magpaintindi sa ‘yo nang maintindihan mo. Naintindihan mo?
2) Huwag mo akong babatukan kung ayaw mo ng suntukan.
3) Ang tunay na kaibigan ay nanlilibre, hindi parating nagpapalibre.
4) Ahem. Ang mga girlfriends ay pagsabihan. Huwag akong pagselosan.
5) Ayoko ng BF na guwapo kasi selosa ako.
6) Huwag magreklamo kung di ka naman bumoto.
7) Mas mainam mangulit kesa manglait.
8) Masakit manakit kahit hindi pangit.
9) Huwag kang nanghihingi para magbigay ako. Nakaka-turn off eh. Lalo na pag pasalubong galing Tate. Hindi naman ako nangingitlog ng dolyar dito. Oo, joke lang sabi mo pero nakaka-turn off ang ganyang biro. Gusto ko lang malaman mo.
10) “Naiintindihan naman kita pero sana maintindihan mo rin ako.” Hindi ko maintindihan yan. Parang pa-guilty effect iyang mga linyang yan para magawa ng gustong magpaintindi sa ‘yo nang maintindihan mo. Naintindihan mo?
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 6
1) Uh, how do you save face once you’ve realized that you sent a break-up text to the wrong guy?
2) Perfect Excuse to Turn Down a Date: I don't think I'm your type. I'm not inflatable.
3) When I become thin, I'm ready for sin.
4) If playing word games could make me lose weight, I'd be sexy everyday.
5) Sarcasm is lost to the clueless.
6) What may be offensive to John may not be offensive to Juan.
7) Uh, did someone in California feel the earthquake? Or was that just our neighbors engaging in bedroom gymnastics?
8) Yes, I know it’s Cinco De Mayo, but yo no quiero taco.
9) Note to self: Catch people off guard by smiling at those who never bothered to smile at me. Wink and walk away.
10) Pssst! Made you read. Ahihihi.
2) Perfect Excuse to Turn Down a Date: I don't think I'm your type. I'm not inflatable.
3) When I become thin, I'm ready for sin.
4) If playing word games could make me lose weight, I'd be sexy everyday.
5) Sarcasm is lost to the clueless.
6) What may be offensive to John may not be offensive to Juan.
7) Uh, did someone in California feel the earthquake? Or was that just our neighbors engaging in bedroom gymnastics?
8) Yes, I know it’s Cinco De Mayo, but yo no quiero taco.
9) Note to self: Catch people off guard by smiling at those who never bothered to smile at me. Wink and walk away.
10) Pssst! Made you read. Ahihihi.
Wednesday, September 07, 2011
Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 5
1) Sometimes I don’t want to “intellectualize” for fear of losing my empathy. A desensitized me is nothing but eyes with blank stares, ears that hear but do not listen, hands that stay limp and refuse to move.
2) For some, writing is their bread and butter. For me, writing can’t even be my milk and cookies. Though I love to write, I can’t write when someone tells me what to write. My mind instantly turns into a white board with a marker nervously waiting in the wings. I always get this weird feeling that my work won’t turn out right. That I would fail to convey exactly what needs to be conveyed.
3) If you teach English, practice what you preach. Capitalize the first letter in a stat update, unless your name is the start of your sentence. Refrain from using jejemon and text spelling. Check your punctuations. Watch your grammar. Just a friendly reminder, my friends.
4) Pet Peeve of the Day: Scrolling through news feeds and reading stat updates displaying the abuse and misuse of the misunderstood ellipsis. An ellipsis is not equal to three periods controlling themselves from screaming. An ellipsis is not even a period with two clones. Neither is it a substitute for a period or a comma. Review your punctuations, please!
5) I’m so glad that I’m no longer an English teacher because I cringe every time I read “super agree” and “very like.” Naman. Naman.
2) For some, writing is their bread and butter. For me, writing can’t even be my milk and cookies. Though I love to write, I can’t write when someone tells me what to write. My mind instantly turns into a white board with a marker nervously waiting in the wings. I always get this weird feeling that my work won’t turn out right. That I would fail to convey exactly what needs to be conveyed.
3) If you teach English, practice what you preach. Capitalize the first letter in a stat update, unless your name is the start of your sentence. Refrain from using jejemon and text spelling. Check your punctuations. Watch your grammar. Just a friendly reminder, my friends.
4) Pet Peeve of the Day: Scrolling through news feeds and reading stat updates displaying the abuse and misuse of the misunderstood ellipsis. An ellipsis is not equal to three periods controlling themselves from screaming. An ellipsis is not even a period with two clones. Neither is it a substitute for a period or a comma. Review your punctuations, please!
5) I’m so glad that I’m no longer an English teacher because I cringe every time I read “super agree” and “very like.” Naman. Naman.
Monday, September 05, 2011
Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 4
1) No matter what online forum, message board or Facebook page I find myself active in, I always end up having enemies. That’s the reason why I’m the Arnivorous Arnimal. Meowr!
2) Just because you don’t know the meaning of “Maundy Thursday” doesn’t mean that the term does not exist. It also doesn’t mean you’re right. Your imagined brilliance is proof of your ignorance.
3) Your favorite show is “Wowowee” and you still have no clue why we’re not a couple. I give up.
4) Your being a UP alumnus does not impress me at all. Sadly, you don’t know the use of the past perfect tense. Yeah, just try and bite me.
5) If I click on your profile, I hope I can read something worthwhile. One time, I accidentally clicked on it and found out … man, it’s worth shit.
6) TROLLIAN LANGUAGE: a body of words/non-words and the system for their use common to the trolls who are of the same Trollian community. It is characterized by horrendous grammar and terrible spelling. This language is practiced by trolls who are infamous for their constant whinings, nonsensical arguments, lack of wit and a penchant for popping up with ho-hum profile fake names.
7) MANTRA FOR THE DAY: Don’t feed the trolls. Like gremlins, they multiple and turn ugly. They’re not worth shit. It would be insulting to the shit. Repeat 10x or as many as you like without giving The Finger.
8) ARNIVOROUS ADVISORY: Please be advised that there will be no intrusive BART Train Moments scrolling through your news feeds. Also, alliteration addicts will have to contain their addiction to the seduction of sequential syllables starting with the same sound. Yours truly will be watching the Maroon 5 concert tonight. Whoohoo!
9) Psst! Made you look.
10) Arnivorous Arnimal almost always amuses. Another alliteration? Amazing! Ahahaha! Annoying! Ahihihi.
2) Just because you don’t know the meaning of “Maundy Thursday” doesn’t mean that the term does not exist. It also doesn’t mean you’re right. Your imagined brilliance is proof of your ignorance.
3) Your favorite show is “Wowowee” and you still have no clue why we’re not a couple. I give up.
4) Your being a UP alumnus does not impress me at all. Sadly, you don’t know the use of the past perfect tense. Yeah, just try and bite me.
5) If I click on your profile, I hope I can read something worthwhile. One time, I accidentally clicked on it and found out … man, it’s worth shit.
6) TROLLIAN LANGUAGE: a body of words/non-words and the system for their use common to the trolls who are of the same Trollian community. It is characterized by horrendous grammar and terrible spelling. This language is practiced by trolls who are infamous for their constant whinings, nonsensical arguments, lack of wit and a penchant for popping up with ho-hum profile fake names.
7) MANTRA FOR THE DAY: Don’t feed the trolls. Like gremlins, they multiple and turn ugly. They’re not worth shit. It would be insulting to the shit. Repeat 10x or as many as you like without giving The Finger.
8) ARNIVOROUS ADVISORY: Please be advised that there will be no intrusive BART Train Moments scrolling through your news feeds. Also, alliteration addicts will have to contain their addiction to the seduction of sequential syllables starting with the same sound. Yours truly will be watching the Maroon 5 concert tonight. Whoohoo!
9) Psst! Made you look.
10) Arnivorous Arnimal almost always amuses. Another alliteration? Amazing! Ahahaha! Annoying! Ahihihi.
Sunday, September 04, 2011
Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 3
1) Kapag hindi patas ang labanan, hindi dapat magalit. Magsulat na lang at ipakalat sa Facebook. “The pen is mightier than the sword,” di ba?
2) Kapag below-the-belt and labanan, grammar nila ang pagtawanan. Mwahahaha!
3) Nakakahawa ang wrong grammar sa Facebook. Tsk-tsk.
4) Huwag maliitin ang magagalitin. Baka ka sapakin at saka kagatin. Meowr!
5) Nung nawala ka sa FB list ko, naging maaliwalas ang newsfeed ko.
6) SA SIBUYAS MAY TIGAS: Ito raw ang Tagalog translation ng “In union, there is strength.”
7) Kapag nilagyan mo ng BETadine ang leeg mo at ika’y natuLOG, maaari ka na raw bansagan na BETLOG.
8) Pigilan akong huwag magtaray
Sa cyberspace ay hindi mangatay
Mahirap lalo pag may PMS
Sakong mo lang po ang walang daplis.
9) Merong isang tinatatamad
Pag pumapel ay malapad
Pag pinuri ay kanya raw
Kahit sa akin ninakaw
10) Walang wit mag-tweet ang twit.
2) Kapag below-the-belt and labanan, grammar nila ang pagtawanan. Mwahahaha!
3) Nakakahawa ang wrong grammar sa Facebook. Tsk-tsk.
4) Huwag maliitin ang magagalitin. Baka ka sapakin at saka kagatin. Meowr!
5) Nung nawala ka sa FB list ko, naging maaliwalas ang newsfeed ko.
6) SA SIBUYAS MAY TIGAS: Ito raw ang Tagalog translation ng “In union, there is strength.”
7) Kapag nilagyan mo ng BETadine ang leeg mo at ika’y natuLOG, maaari ka na raw bansagan na BETLOG.
8) Pigilan akong huwag magtaray
Sa cyberspace ay hindi mangatay
Mahirap lalo pag may PMS
Sakong mo lang po ang walang daplis.
9) Merong isang tinatatamad
Pag pumapel ay malapad
Pag pinuri ay kanya raw
Kahit sa akin ninakaw
10) Walang wit mag-tweet ang twit.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 2
1) Makipaglandian sa nilalandi ng iba pang malalandi.
2) Makipaglandiang muli sa nilalandi ng iba pang mas malanding nakikipaglandiang muli.
3) Pag ako’y walang magawa at nababato, nakikipaglandian ako.
4) Matutong makinig para maging kaibig-ibig. Akala mo lang ako’y kinikilig. Umikot ka naman sa iba pang daigdig.
5) Hindi pwedeng maging tayo sapagkat ikaw ay murahero.
6) Ang taong makulit ay kinikindatan na lang pag mapilit para di ka mabuwisit.
7) Nagkamali ako sa paghahabol. Wala ka pa lang kwenta at mistulang tukmol.
8) Pag nag-init ako, sasabog ka.
9) Mataba man ako, tanga ka pa rin.
10) Hindi lahat ng dilat ay mulat.
2) Makipaglandiang muli sa nilalandi ng iba pang mas malanding nakikipaglandiang muli.
3) Pag ako’y walang magawa at nababato, nakikipaglandian ako.
4) Matutong makinig para maging kaibig-ibig. Akala mo lang ako’y kinikilig. Umikot ka naman sa iba pang daigdig.
5) Hindi pwedeng maging tayo sapagkat ikaw ay murahero.
6) Ang taong makulit ay kinikindatan na lang pag mapilit para di ka mabuwisit.
7) Nagkamali ako sa paghahabol. Wala ka pa lang kwenta at mistulang tukmol.
8) Pag nag-init ako, sasabog ka.
9) Mataba man ako, tanga ka pa rin.
10) Hindi lahat ng dilat ay mulat.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 1
1) I don’t mind if you consider me ugly. I hope you don’t mind if I point out your horrendous grammar and constant misspelling. Witty trumps pretty.
2) Future Bumper Sticker for an Ex-BF: I think; therefore, you are not.
3) If my laughter could kill, all the men I’ve dated would’ve been dead by now.
4) Some people confuse self-confidence with arrogance. I love confusing those people.
5) Excuse me, I am not flirting with you. I just want your Facebook wall to be interesting to read.
6) Hey, stop thinking I’m flirting with you. Your wall was shit. I thought I’d inject some wit.
7) I’m not that smart. You just don’t read a lot.
8) Talk to the fist. The hand is pissed.
9) I am not above you; you just think you’re beneath me.
10) You can’t make me like my own status. I have friends who would do that.
2) Future Bumper Sticker for an Ex-BF: I think; therefore, you are not.
3) If my laughter could kill, all the men I’ve dated would’ve been dead by now.
4) Some people confuse self-confidence with arrogance. I love confusing those people.
5) Excuse me, I am not flirting with you. I just want your Facebook wall to be interesting to read.
6) Hey, stop thinking I’m flirting with you. Your wall was shit. I thought I’d inject some wit.
7) I’m not that smart. You just don’t read a lot.
8) Talk to the fist. The hand is pissed.
9) I am not above you; you just think you’re beneath me.
10) You can’t make me like my own status. I have friends who would do that.
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