Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 10

1) Witty is the funny that makes people post more than a smiley. It invites a biting repartee, but a play of words is better. Sadly, the clueless will never get the witty. Now that ruins the funny.


2) Someone mentioned that there's a difference between wordplay and a play of words. He didn't elaborate though. He always made me want to research, but not on an EMPTY TUMMY because I won't EAT MY WORDS.


3) You may think I'm bitter, but I'm really just testing your tolerance for annoyance.


4) The next time someone addresses you in a condescending manner, slowly tell that person: "Talk to the wrist. The fist is pissed."


5) Have you heard of the new drink in town? It's called the LAARTINI. It's a PUNCH that has a KICK. Just one sip will make you correct people's grammar in any social event. If you finish a glass, you're guaranteed to get PUNCHed and KICKed out of any party. Want a sip? It's on me. Ahihihi.

Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 9 (The TV Show Issue)

1) Being in "bedroom arrest" makes me do stuff to keep boredom at bay: watching “Hoarders”, “Intervention” and “Paranormal Fakes or Facts”, playing cell phone games, staring into space, and going back to sleep. It's hard to be a couch potato. I should rock the boat and be a bed tomato instead. Yes, I know. My mixed metaphors suck.

2) Ten days after the surgery and I'm feeling much better. The pain medication still makes me drowsy so I can't really watch any kind of movie. I can only tolerate 30-minute sitcoms or watch semi-stupid reality shows till I feel like puking. My head hurts more than my tummy. So if you want to aid in my recovery, stop reposting positive thoughts with grammatical errors. Naman eh.

3) Being temporarily disabled due to my recent surgery makes me drawn to tabloid news and reality shows. Ramona Bautista, please go back to Pinas! Cable TV, please stop airing marathons of "Tough Love in Miami." I need to read more books by Sedaris and Palahniuk but after remembering what one of my bosses said (Watching reality shows makes me feel intelligent!), I'm inclined to take the reality plunge with a bag on my head.

4) It's Saturday Night. I should be out and living the life but noooo! I'm glued to VH1’s "Champions of Cute." Lots of cute viral videos: baby doing the salsa, cat modeling a fedora hat with Mommy Pussy about to give him a paw smack, and the penitent and honest dog voluntarily going to a kennel for a time-out after his owner found out he (the dog) ate all the doggy treats. Sooo adorable and I'm … go figure.

5) 544 employees will be attending our company Christmas party at our hotel tonight. I am not one of the 544 people who are going to this holiday shindig. Uh, it's Thursday night. "The Big Bang Theory" is on at 8pm. Yes, I'm aDORKable.

BioNotes for Lab Peeps

In one link posted by Mark Angeles and Lolito Go (two of my favorite contemporary poets), the website required writers to submit a write-up that does not bore the readers with a list of the writers’ achievements. Lolito came up with a bionote for someone and I followed suit. I couldn’t stop creating one and ended up with the following using the vernacular:

Colleen Kay Sanceda (moonchild): Mas sexy kay Darna. Mahilig maligo sa balon at di gumagamit ng conditioner. Seryoso kapag tulog.

Michael Arsolon (supermikong): Scientist na nagpapanggap na manunula. Fan ni Ron Jeremy. Bihasa sa lengguwahe ng mga elyen.

Francis Montesena (Manong Ninong): Matakaw sa kare-kare. Malimit mapagkamalang suplado. Pakipot pag nililigawan online ni Arnivorous.

Mark Angeles (Makoy Dacuycoy): Mahilig sa beef. Malabo ang mga mata. Masakit parati ang likod.

Lolito Go (bum): Mahilig magharana gamit ang cellphone. Dating gwapo pero nagpagupit para hindi maging kamukha ni Robin Padilla. Emo.

Harry Fiesta (Dyosa): Mas gwapo pag may lipstick sa nipples. Mataray kumatay. Maramdamin kapag bilog ang buwan.

Jennette Bongo (Phoebe): Patula-tula pag tulala. Nage-exercise pag nananaba. Pa-emcee-emcee o DJ pag walang magawa.

Michael Ian Lomongo (xn3ct): Masamang malasing at gumigiling. Mas gwapong di hamak kay Manny Pacquiao. Hindi halatang magaling mag-English.

Faustino Bunao (oni): Nagpapanggap na sabog. Mahilig bumarkada sa naglalako ng fishball. Malaki ang takot sa nanay niya at sa humahabol na asong ulol.

Raywollessen Fortes: (dyagwar): Napalipad niya lahat ang iba’t ibang uri ng eroplanong papel. Reincarnation n Major Dick Winters ng "Band of Brothers." Pussy (cat) lover.

Walrus Mucho Plaza (walrus): Mukhang walang asawa dahil totoy na totoy ang itsura. Madaling mapatawa pero hindi mababaw. Nagkukunwaring hindi kilala si Maria Ozawa.

Ronald Alisbo (jesusz): Sanay mag-costume na naka-straight jacket (leather pa yun!). Religious pag wala sa wisyo. Babysitter ng unico hijo niya.

Vener Santos (bungagerang_lola): Mas lalong naging macho nung magpagupit. Machonurin sa GF. Naghihintay pa ring maka-jamming si Matanglawin.

Randel Urbano (Randel): Palangiti para maipakita ang kanyang Close Up smile. Magaling makisama kahit walang imported chocolates na suhol. Hindi mapapaamin na mas cute siya kay Dyosang Tink.

Gen Carriedo (purple): Mahilig pumatay ng tao sa imahinasyon pag may tangang katabi. Hindi halatang mabait. Kayang kumain ng isang galong ice cream nang hindi tumataba.

Danilo Nino Calalang (xtopherdelux): Nagpapanggap na makamasa kahit elitista. May multiple personalities. Gahaman sa Reese's chocolates.

Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 8

1) Enjoy umutot kapag nag-iisa. Pero mas enjoy pag may kasama nang sabay kayong tatawa.

2) Parang puwet ko'y naiiwan kapag naglalakad sa daan. Wag po n’yong pagtawanan kung ayaw ng kalmutan.

3) Huwag akong tinatanong kung bakit wala pang asawa. Ide-delete kita.

4) Ikaw ba'y napapangiwi, pag may iba akong nilalandi? Neknek mo.

5) Kapag nalaman kong girlfriend mo na ako, aba'y break na tayo.

6) You're cheesy and I'm lactose-intolerant. We'll never ever go out on a date.

7) One saying goes, "Men seldom make passes to girls who wear glasses." I say, "Men lose their senses to girls who wear lenses."

8) Do not claim to mesmerize if you do not deodorize.

9) What we post on our walls defines us: religious, funny, or plain ass.

10) At my nephew's wedding yesterday at Casa Real Ruby Hill Winery in Pleasanton, five people asked me to dance. My reply was the same every time: "I'm sorry I don't dance, but I'll write about it so you'll enjoy me more as a partner." Dancing was a traumatic experience for me. Writing funny is my therapy.

Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 7

1) Magpasaya ng iba para mas maging masaya ka.

2) Huwag mo akong babatukan kung ayaw mo ng suntukan.

3) Ang tunay na kaibigan ay nanlilibre, hindi parating nagpapalibre.

4) Ahem. Ang mga girlfriends ay pagsabihan. Huwag akong pagselosan.

5) Ayoko ng BF na guwapo kasi selosa ako.

6) Huwag magreklamo kung di ka naman bumoto.

7) Mas mainam mangulit kesa manglait.

8) Masakit manakit kahit hindi pangit.

9) Huwag kang nanghihingi para magbigay ako. Nakaka-turn off eh. Lalo na pag pasalubong galing Tate. Hindi naman ako nangingitlog ng dolyar dito. Oo, joke lang sabi mo pero nakaka-turn off ang ganyang biro. Gusto ko lang malaman mo.

10) “Naiintindihan naman kita pero sana maintindihan mo rin ako.” Hindi ko maintindihan yan. Parang pa-guilty effect iyang mga linyang yan para magawa ng gustong magpaintindi sa ‘yo nang maintindihan mo. Naintindihan mo?

Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 6

1) Uh, how do you save face once you’ve realized that you sent a break-up text to the wrong guy?

2) Perfect Excuse to Turn Down a Date: I don't think I'm your type. I'm not inflatable.

3) When I become thin, I'm ready for sin.

4) If playing word games could make me lose weight, I'd be sexy everyday.

5) Sarcasm is lost to the clueless.

6) What may be offensive to John may not be offensive to Juan.

7) Uh, did someone in California feel the earthquake? Or was that just our neighbors engaging in bedroom gymnastics?

8) Yes, I know it’s Cinco De Mayo, but yo no quiero taco.

9) Note to self: Catch people off guard by smiling at those who never bothered to smile at me. Wink and walk away.

10) Pssst! Made you read. Ahihihi.

Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 5

1) Sometimes I don’t want to “intellectualize” for fear of losing my empathy. A desensitized me is nothing but eyes with blank stares, ears that hear but do not listen, hands that stay limp and refuse to move.

2) For some, writing is their bread and butter. For me, writing can’t even be my milk and cookies. Though I love to write, I can’t write when someone tells me what to write. My mind instantly turns into a white board with a marker nervously waiting in the wings. I always get this weird feeling that my work won’t turn out right. That I would fail to convey exactly what needs to be conveyed.

3) If you teach English, practice what you preach. Capitalize the first letter in a stat update, unless your name is the start of your sentence. Refrain from using jejemon and text spelling. Check your punctuations. Watch your grammar. Just a friendly reminder, my friends.

4) Pet Peeve of the Day: Scrolling through news feeds and reading stat updates displaying the abuse and misuse of the misunderstood ellipsis. An ellipsis is not equal to three periods controlling themselves from screaming. An ellipsis is not even a period with two clones. Neither is it a substitute for a period or a comma. Review your punctuations, please!

5) I’m so glad that I’m no longer an English teacher because I cringe every time I read “super agree” and “very like.” Naman. Naman.

Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 4

1) No matter what online forum, message board or Facebook page I find myself active in, I always end up having enemies. That’s the reason why I’m the Arnivorous Arnimal. Meowr!

2) Just because you don’t know the meaning of “Maundy Thursday” doesn’t mean that the term does not exist. It also doesn’t mean you’re right. Your imagined brilliance is proof of your ignorance.

3) Your favorite show is “Wowowee” and you still have no clue why we’re not a couple. I give up.

4) Your being a UP alumnus does not impress me at all. Sadly, you don’t know the use of the past perfect tense. Yeah, just try and bite me.

5) If I click on your profile, I hope I can read something worthwhile. One time, I accidentally clicked on it and found out … man, it’s worth shit.

6) TROLLIAN LANGUAGE: a body of words/non-words and the system for their use common to the trolls who are of the same Trollian community. It is characterized by horrendous grammar and terrible spelling. This language is practiced by trolls who are infamous for their constant whinings, nonsensical arguments, lack of wit and a penchant for popping up with ho-hum profile fake names.

7) MANTRA FOR THE DAY: Don’t feed the trolls. Like gremlins, they multiple and turn ugly. They’re not worth shit. It would be insulting to the shit. Repeat 10x or as many as you like without giving The Finger.

8) ARNIVOROUS ADVISORY: Please be advised that there will be no intrusive BART Train Moments scrolling through your news feeds. Also, alliteration addicts will have to contain their addiction to the seduction of sequential syllables starting with the same sound. Yours truly will be watching the Maroon 5 concert tonight. Whoohoo!

9) Psst! Made you look.

10) Arnivorous Arnimal almost always amuses. Another alliteration? Amazing! Ahahaha! Annoying! Ahihihi.

Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 3

1) Kapag hindi patas ang labanan, hindi dapat magalit. Magsulat na lang at ipakalat sa Facebook. “The pen is mightier than the sword,” di ba?

2) Kapag below-the-belt and labanan, grammar nila ang pagtawanan. Mwahahaha!

3) Nakakahawa ang wrong grammar sa Facebook. Tsk-tsk.

4) Huwag maliitin ang magagalitin. Baka ka sapakin at saka kagatin. Meowr!

5) Nung nawala ka sa FB list ko, naging maaliwalas ang newsfeed ko.

6) SA SIBUYAS MAY TIGAS: Ito raw ang Tagalog translation ng “In union, there is strength.”

7) Kapag nilagyan mo ng BETadine ang leeg mo at ika’y natuLOG, maaari ka na raw bansagan na BETLOG.

8) Pigilan akong huwag magtaray
Sa cyberspace ay hindi mangatay
Mahirap lalo pag may PMS
Sakong mo lang po ang walang daplis.

9) Merong isang tinatatamad
Pag pumapel ay malapad
Pag pinuri ay kanya raw
Kahit sa akin ninakaw

10) Walang wit mag-tweet ang twit.

Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 2

1) Makipaglandian sa nilalandi ng iba pang malalandi.

2) Makipaglandiang muli sa nilalandi ng iba pang mas malanding nakikipaglandiang muli.

3) Pag ako’y walang magawa at nababato, nakikipaglandian ako.

4) Matutong makinig para maging kaibig-ibig. Akala mo lang ako’y kinikilig. Umikot ka naman sa iba pang daigdig.

5) Hindi pwedeng maging tayo sapagkat ikaw ay murahero.

6) Ang taong makulit ay kinikindatan na lang pag mapilit para di ka mabuwisit.

7) Nagkamali ako sa paghahabol. Wala ka pa lang kwenta at mistulang tukmol.

8) Pag nag-init ako, sasabog ka.

9) Mataba man ako, tanga ka pa rin.

10) Hindi lahat ng dilat ay mulat.

Facebook Arnimalisms: Series 1

1) I don’t mind if you consider me ugly. I hope you don’t mind if I point out your horrendous grammar and constant misspelling. Witty trumps pretty.

2) Future Bumper Sticker for an Ex-BF: I think; therefore, you are not.

3) If my laughter could kill, all the men I’ve dated would’ve been dead by now.

4) Some people confuse self-confidence with arrogance. I love confusing those people.

5) Excuse me, I am not flirting with you. I just want your Facebook wall to be interesting to read.

6) Hey, stop thinking I’m flirting with you. Your wall was shit. I thought I’d inject some wit.

7) I’m not that smart. You just don’t read a lot.

8) Talk to the fist. The hand is pissed.

9) I am not above you; you just think you’re beneath me.

10) You can’t make me like my own status. I have friends who would do that.

The Myth That Is ala-Matt ... Not!

Beating 13 other creative non-fiction writer wanna-be's in the first Laboratoryo Essay Writing Contest, ala-Matt killed the judges with laughter by his "Caution: Talking Paramecia At Work." His piece just winked at ciggyforbreakfast's "Hello, Party Line?" which placed second and nudged Dudong_Bilatski's "Rated X Essay" which placed third. His piece sent an up-yours- suckers message to those who thought cussing is plain crass indulged in only by the angry and the vocabulary-deficient. Pseudo-philosophical freaks and Marxist aficionados may dismiss his work as pseudo-cosmopolitan crock influenced by capitalists, but no one really cares.

His original presentation of his submitted entry toppled other styles which were mostly straight narratives. His description of the flamboyant Earl and the disgusting Jack leaves a mark in anyone who reads his piece from start to finish. Those who questioned his "puking scene" aren't laughing but that's because they didn't get ala-Matt's style. And now ala-Matt is laughing all the way to the bank and leaving those people still scratching their heads.

Quotable gems from his winning entry include the following:

"I bet he was such a non-fucking loser." (referring to Earl's delusional playboy image of himself)

"I thought your grandmother passed away last year," said Mrs. David in a declarative rather than in an interrogative voice. Suddenly, the very precocious Rica looked at me with her 'you-lied-I'm-gonna-rip-your-head' look. Jack and Earl appeared like two men with brains of a bird that I laughed hard inside, forgetting what Mrs. David had just said.

I'm sorry. What did you say?" (describing the scenario of being caught in a lie about his reason for not coming to Rica's party)

"We'll be there in a jifney!" (referring to the poseur Jack's stupid malapropism of the word jiffy)

If you're curious to know more about ala-Matt, read his interview below. If you're not, we don't really care. Bite us.

1) Tell me some personal stats:
- age and bday
Some damned evening of March, 1983, a bearded man interjaculated his ejaculation while having an intergalactic intercourse with a fine young lass and only one of the millions of fucking sperm cells fucked that woman's egg cell. Alas, nine months later, another Bourne was born.

- degree finished in college/MA in progress?
B.S. Cursing. Currently taking up M.A. in Profanity Studies Major in Vituperation.

- school attended/attending
former University of the Poor

- past occupations: where?
Copywriter-slash-marketing communications specialist-slash-your wrist; in the same company I mentioned in my fucking essay.

- present occupation: where?
Copywriter-slash-marketing communications specialist-slash-your wrist; in the same company I mentioned in my fucking essay. Don’t be an “Earl.” This is neither a fucking déjà vu nor a typo error, idiot. Yeah, right. I resigned and came back. I'm a real masochist by profession.

2) Why did you join the contest?
Nuts for dough, not for doughtnuts.

3) Who did you think would give you some serious competition? Why?
I thought Incense would give me some serious competition because of all the people in the Lab, he's the only one who is sensible enough not to make sense.

4) How long did it take you finish your entry?
I promise to compute the seconds I spent writing my entry. I would probably have the answer by next leap year. Although I guess the time I spent writing was the same as the length of time a sperm could survive in a lukewarm-water-filled bathtub.

5) How would you describe the style you used to narrate the paramecia in your workplace?
APA? MLA? If it’s not the footnotes we’re talking about, I really don’t know.

6) Did you check the laugh-o-meter of your piece by having someone read it first before submitting it as an entry? Why? Why not?
Actually, I asked someone to read it first but I didn’t know if her laughter reached even the first imaginary line of the laugh-o-meter. I was a bit reluctant at first because even my “other” self couldn’t find the laughing-gas attributes of the material. Subsequently, I told myself, “The hell I care!” and submitted my entry.

7) Describe your feelings a few minutes (or maybe an hour? day perhaps?) before posting your entry.
1 hour before posting: SBP and DBP: Normal
59 minutes: SBP and DBP: Fucking Normal
58 minutes: SBP and DBP: Moronic Normal
57 minutes: SBP and DBP: Idiotic Normal
56 minutes: SBP and DBP: Numbskull Normal
55 minutes: SBP and DBP: Dodo Normal
54 minutes: SBP and DBP: Dunderhead Normal
…
59 seconds: SBP and DBP: a bit higher
58 seconds: SBP and DBP: Normal
57 seconds: SBP and DBP: Abnormal
56 seconds: SBP and DBP: Back to normal
55 seconds: do I really have to do this?
…
Exact time of Posting: I thought I was fucking dead that I hadn’t been able to click POST.

8) Was there a particular reason for using English instead of Tagalog as your medium of expression?
It’s like choosing between “fuck” and “kantot.”
Imagine if I used Tagalog in sentences like these:
There was no fucking infernal place in the world than where I used to work.
Walang kumakantot na mala-impyernong lugar sa mundo kundi sa kung saan ako nagtatrabaho dati.
But one fucking day…
Pero isang kumakantot na araw…
Of course you cannot imagine anymore. I already showed you.

9) Are there any particular writers who influenced your writing style? Can you name some of them and give a brief description of their influence in your work.
None. What do you think I am—a pathetic palooka who doesn’t have the brain to produce ideas and style of his own like the mere anarchist who had brief interviews with hideous men who could talk pretty one day? In your face, WA, DFW and DS!
Raymond Romano and Michael Imperioli rule!

10) How did you learn about this lit community?
I’m still in the process.
Status: 1% PROGRESS. Not this lit community but the process of learning… process of learning... NOT of the people in this community but my own. Dig that, ostentatious, pseudo intellectuals!

11) What are you going to do with your cash prize?
I’m going to wipe my ass with each bill before buying it with stuff from the Indian-owned boutique across our office.

12) Are you going to join future Lab writing contests?
Only when the prize is right and the contest is worth the fucking feat of defecating rigmaroles out of my fucked-up brain cells.

13) Any parting shots?
Damn you, fucking apostrophe!
Whew! I thought I couldn’t do that paradoxical cuss.

NOTE: ala-Matt is a member of my Labable Lab Cats group.

What If

Sponsoring the first Lab Essay Writing Contest has been giving me nightly nightmares. Three nights ago, I dreamt that many Labbers entered the contest and ciggyforbreakfast's "Australian Kangaroo" bagged first place. When I woke up and checked the Essay Lab, there were no new essays. Two nights ago, I dreamt that it was a Jesus Z sweep with first, second and third places for his winning entries, "Heckling and Getting Away With It Parts 1, 2 and 3." When I woke up and checked the Essay Lab, there were no new essays again.

However, last night proved to be really eerie. I dreamt that the Lab software had a mind of its own. Vivid messages on my screen kept blinking.

Your message, "Neknek na newbie" has been sent to Kaykay. Please note that she is not obliged to hit "reply" and answer your PM. If she is not online, of course she can't read your message. If she's not feeling well, she will not be in a mood to reply. If she has PMS, you're screwed. If she's mad, run for your life.

Your post has been successfully edited. You will now be returned to the original thread. Please know that no one cares if you're bolding or italicizing some words. Your OC personality slip is showing.

Your post has been successfully edited. Unfortunately, since you spent so much time editing, another Labber has quoted your original post. Please waste more time and edit the other member's quoted post to match your edited post. You know you want to. You're OC, remember?

You have successfully logged in. Your instinct tells you to post in the CSA your imagined masterpiece and not read the guidelines first. Do not be surprised if a law-abiding active member calls your attention to follow the one-post/two-crit policy ... unless Dyosa's keyboard screams "dugyot" ... or if a vigilant mod closes your thread. Whichever comes first.

You have successfully logged in as an altnick. You have another think coming if you think you can get away with it. Wipe that smug smile or pocket your pout. Indulge in a new hobby.

SQL-SERVER: SOCKET ERROR. This message is being displayed to you, the software program-challenged, to magnify your obvious ignorance and imagined brilliance. Please proceed to Facebook and engage in Mafia Wars. Or join a YM confe until someone else's PC crashes.

This website is down and is currently undergoing maintenance. You may contact (909)510-1234 but the phone will just keep ringing. Our voicemail service has been cut off and we have laid off our 20-something college drop-out computer geek workers. Refreshing this page every minute is not going to revive the previous page. Get a life. Have a nice day.

I woke up, smiled and saw three EWC entries.

The Pussylitarian Rules of Claw

1) Acknowledge all bwisitors, hecklers, well-wishers and wannabes to The Cat House.

2) Dugyot posts in The Cat House will be ignored or ridiculed ad nauseam depending on our mood.

3) Think of quality, not quantity, when submitting works to the CSA. Check spelling, typos and grammatical horrors before uploading your piece.

4) Follow the one-post/two-crit policy (1 poem-2 crits of 2 poems; 1 essay-2 crits of 2 essays NOT 2 POEMS and 1 short story-2 crits of 2 short stories NOT 2 POEMS).

5) Support all Lab Cats' submissions to the CSA. Give praise when it's worthy; offer suggestions to the lousy.

6) Posting cut and pasted funny feline pics or links of hilarious hirsute hussies is allowed.

7) Under no circumstances is txt splng nor aLtErNaTiNg CaPs AlLoWeD.

8) Clean the litter box after every dugyot poop. (Read: If someone posts a dugyot entry, redirect the thread to be funny.)

9) Be a witty kitty. Make others laugh. Sniff in a jiff. Scratch and snatch. Pounce with a bounce.

Meowr!

Panatang Makalabcat

(Para sa Pusang Ina Ko)

Iniibig ko ang Cat House,
Maging pusakal ma'y pipiliin itong tambayan,
Ito'y tahanan ng ngumingiyaw na angkan,
Sa piling ng pusang ina, ika'y kukupkupin at susuportahan,
Upang maging magaling at makapag-post ng kaabang-abang.

Bilang ganti, hindi ko gagamitin ang aking mga kuko
sa walang saysay na kalmutan,
Susundin ko ang mga alituntunin ng laboratoryong
aking kinabibilangan,
Tutuparin ko ang mga ito hanggang sa ang mga balahibo
ay magsilagasan.

Paglilingkuran ko itong Cat House nang walang pagdadamot
kahit tinik ng isda lang ang nasa hapag-kainan.
Sisikapin kong maging isang tunay na Labcat,
Sa CATalasan ng isip, CATalinhagaan ng salita,
at CATagumpayan ng gawa.

Meowrrr!

NOTE: This is the winning entry for my "Panatang Makalabcat" contest for my kitty cats. The author of our version of the cat oath of allegiance is the wily and wacky winsum82.

The Labable Lab Cats

THE LAB CATS

1) will be composed of cute and cuddly, but smart and witty mods and members

2) will lick the wounds of the grammatically-challenged

3) will use upper and lower cases in sentence construction

4) will eliminate comma splices, run-on sentences, misplaced and dangling modifiers in our works

5) will proofread and edit our works at least three times before posting anything ... to avoid cyber humiliation and future flames from grammar freaks (

6) will be prepared to scratch the backs of those who scratch ours

7) will show claws only when attacked so that we can defend ourselves and the entire "kittendom"

8) will lead word game threads as mental exercise (ex: alliteration, ABC stories, nickronyms, etc.)

9) will aim to write essays that will make the readers go, "meow," este, "aaaw"

10) will promote class and not crass in The Lab (This means we refuse to post anything using expletives -- tangna, fuck you, etc. -- unless they are part of a dialogue or quote in a short story or essay.)

11) will remain cool and polite in our interaction with Labbers and Labsters in spite of the continued riling from attention-hungry members

12) will always thank members who post comments (may they be positive or negative) in our threads in the CSA Essay Lab

*arnivorous alliterates, changes into her catty cheerleader costume, claps and cheers*

Lab Cats can rule
They can all drool
Some think we're "prudes"
They're just rude dudes!

Meowr!

My Newly Coined LABable Words

These words are based on the crazy characters (members and moderators) of the Laboratoryo website -- http://laboratoryo.invisionplus.net

Alambreonics - the science and philosophy of the Lab shaman; may involve the occasional magic of the altnicks

Arnivorous arnimal - the verbivore who devours words on sight in this site

Arntertainment - the art of amusing Kaykay the arnivorous way; usually involves word play, alliteration and rhyme streak style; done sometimes to irritate a chosen few

Bum-mer - a noun pertaining to bum's spot-on crit of a lousy or readable poem in the Poetry Lab

Busabosize - to dissect a poem the santongbusabos way; after effects may include any or all of the following -- frowning, bawling, cursing, leaving The Lab for good or sucking it up and trying to write a poem again till one gets it right

Crankquil - an adjective that describes majority of crankynoodles' posts which are cool, calm, collected and classy

Dyaggitry - the essence of being the nerdy but Labable dyaggy bee; includes a penchant for anything that flies and aversion to stinky goddesses

Echostrian - what we can call jerichogio if he continues to chronicle the Lab History of Writing by compiling the best and the worst that we all came up with; no horses involved

Kaykadorable - an adjective that describes the little things Kaykay does to make her still labable to the Lab Pussy

Kaykayatry - the philosophy and practice of being the Tiboli President; includes the ability to post off-topic comments but still remain labable; may involve on-and-off feelings of paranoia resulting in occasional Lab self-banishment

Kikomanicks - Kiko's posts depicting nightly and naughty left and right hand calisthenics with his nocturnal partner, Mariang Palad

Kulitics - a mod/member's practice of nonchalantly continuing to post off-topic comments in a thread despite some mod's determination and effort to redirect a thread back to the original topic

Laboteur - a noun indicating someone in the Lab who labotages, err, sabotages a thread by his/her nasty rejoinders; supported by some and loathed by a few; usually forces a mod to close a thread instead of just redirecting back to the original topic

Labdigger - a member or mod who resurrects an interesting thread (either in the CSA or any sub-forum) that is long forgotten; resurrected to amaze, amuse, inform or reform.

Lab pussy - the moderator monicker of the arnivorous arnimal; catty head of the Labable Lab Cats clan

Lab side commie - any member or mod who enters a thread and destroys the flow of that thread by his/her side comments; sometimes clueless, confused or just plain annoying.

Magicnick - an altnick created and used to diffuse a thread bomb that's about to explode

Mooner - the mod who swooned over the kaput Labteams of sb-sushi and kiko-arni

Jesuszifics/Jesuszisms - Jesus Z's witty posts that are scattered all over the Lab; characterized by out-of-the-blue spurts of wit and right timing

Jopolicious - an adjective describing all of the salacious and lascivious poems posted in the Poetry Lab by our very own celebrity, jopoguerrero

Onimated - an adjective that describes oni's hyperactive posts; usually punctuated with XD.

Placebic - an adjective describing short posts of Placeboo to make us feel her presence despite her busy school life and nocturnal hospital sked

Pun-ny pussy - a labable (sometimes unlabable but not labless) Lab Cat who has a penchant for creating Lab puns based on Lab funny, puny and pun-ny creatures; borders on the witty and the silly, but more often than not, the corny.

Pussykal - Lab cat na maangal at mahilig umatungal; kalmot mode on, never off

Stalkeries - series of witty essays written by stalker; includes her Good Guy series in three parts and her Bloody series, now on its fifth part

Stinkymology - the study of categorizing a thread/member by the Lab diyosa and his/her practice of entering a thread and posting the word "dugyot"

Sushiness - a noun pertaining to happiness upon reading sushi's lively, playful and thoughtful posts; devoid of sarcasm and hypocrisy

Tinkify - a verb signalling tink's pursuit of dyagwar; may involve aggressive fondling and constant bickering all over The Lab

Tinkology - the philosophy of the stinky goddess; involves praising the worthy, playing with the witty and dissing the silly

Tupendous - an adjective describing xtopherdelax's energetic grooves and grinds during videoke EBs; may also apply to his uncanny knack for cracking jokes with never-ending punch lines

Winsumness - a noun pertaining to winsum's keen observation of Lab mods and members

Zenterpretation - zenmarcus' amusing and amazing practice of interpreting Labsters' dreams and nightmares

The Labable Lab

I've been living in the US for eleven years now and the year 2008 is so far the best year for me. So many significant events happened last year that I have a hard time picking which of those events is the best. Recently, I've made up my mind and The Labable Lab tops the list.

I've been wary of message boards since 2004 (been banned twice in two other message boards even if I was one of the moderators and a part-owner of one site) so when a certain keith_thanagar dropped by my blog sometime in May of 2008, I was reluctant to visit what we now fondly call The Lab. I almost dismissed the site as one of those new Filipino message boards that display a smorgasbord of lame posts, horrible text spelling and spam messages with product websites and porn links. However, my fingers were itching to engage in a cyber adventure so I checked out the site and registered on June 1, 2008. Didn't really roam around much that day but just posted a link to my blog hoping that someone could stumble on it and leave a comment on how I was doing as a blog writer. Nope. Didn't happen. So off I went to Canada for a much-needed vacation from June 5-12, 2008.

On my birthday, June 10, 2008, I asked permission from my best friend, Desil, if I could use her PC to go online and check my e-mail. She told me that I could use it for as long as I liked so I went online and remembered The Lab. I lurked for a bit and found out that some of the Lab members are from LIRA, a literary society where I was a workshop drop-out. Haha! So that I could get a feel of the different members' personalities, I read a lot of threads first before posting any of my "litter-rary monsterpieces." Intimidation was the first thing that gripped me. Wow, these people can write and are very knowledgeable about literature. And the fact that most of them are very young -- can you say 20s -- is amazing!

Being very careful with what I was writing, I posted in some threads which interested me and tried to interact with some who seem friendly (Kaykay, Beng, Tink, dyagwar, santongbusabos and alambre). I even thought that Karma Policeman owned the site so he was the first person I sent a private message to. Once I realized my mistake, I sent a PM to the Da Fuhrer/shaman, alambre, and befriended him.

I couldn't stop posting in different threads and I thought I was confident in posting in the Poetry Lab of the CSA. Like most assumptions, I was wrong. There was no member, who posted a comment, who liked my poem. Made me think that I was the most horrible poet there. (Somebody please, throw a potato at me. Thank you.) Shamefaced, I didn't set foot again in the Poetry Lab and read a few more threads. With burning cheeks, I checked out the Essay Lab and read all two essays: Tink's "Badessaphobia" and kuadobo's "Subject Required." "Oooh, now I know what I can do. This is where I can do some damage," I gleefully told myself. And the rest is a blazing history of a trade of wits, crits, and quips .

Thoughts on Teaching

I was a teacher for seven years in a Catholic college (which became a coed university in 2005). My years of teaching were very fruitful because I vowed not to imitate the style of the worst teachers I've ever had. My motto was "End stupidity. Be a teacher."

Anyway, when the job to teach was offered to me by my former chairperson, I didn't grab it right there and then. I told her that although I came from the Advertising industry and would use my experience in the major subjects in Mass Communication that I would be teaching, I would like to take some Education units first because I had no idea how to teach.

I guess that's mostly the weakness of college instructors these days. Most of them get offered the job to teach a major subject but they lack the knowledge on how to teach.

Based on my experience with some co-teachers, they lack the following:

1) Teaching Strategies - Being in your field of expertise is not enough to qualify you to teach. If you take Education units (especially a Certificate in Teaching Program which is offered to degree holders), you would know which teaching strategy to use with the freshmen and the seniors. You would know how to be understood by the stupidest in class and still catch the interest of the smartest.

College instructors who are well known for their works in film and literature are sometimes the worst teachers. They are better read than seen and heard.

2) Measurement, Evaluation and Research - This is often the waterloo of those who don't have Education units. Some instructors make up a test the way they want to. Some even give a bonus question like: "What brand of cigarette do I smoke?" Yeah right. Like that would make your students less stupid.

3) Mastery of Filipino and English - Most young teachers I know these days don't have any mastery of either Filipino or English. When they teach, they use Taglish. They also incorporate showbiz words in the classroom in their day-to-day lessons. I'm all for communication being dynamic, but please know which has class and which is crass.

Pinto

Bukas 'yan dati
labas-masok ka pa nga.
Ni walang paalam
kahit na biglaan.
Dala mo kasi ang susi.
Pero nung huli mong pag-alis
iniwan mo ang susi.
Naisipan kong ikandado.
Pero kahit hindi ka kumatok
bakit ka nakapasok?
Aah ...
nagpa-duplicate ka pala.